Thank you such much for your very kind words. If I am ever feeling down I will look back at what you wrote….

This post honestly made my day!! I am so happy for you and wish you much hatzlacha!! Keep posting and keep inspiring!!

On track to finish The Battle of the Generation for the fourth time iyh next shabbos.  I plan to spend a few days reading the addendums and iy'h start the book again on Motzai Rosh Hashana.  If you are looking for something positive to read on a daily basis I encourage you to consider joining me...

Vehkam, as usual your post is gadlus. May hashem help you find the wife that will appreciate the treasure that you are.

Vehkam, beautiful words! Very excited for you and inspired by you!
Yes. But for the grace of Hashem, things could have been so different...

If anyone wants a copy of this book (upstate NY/Monsey), please reach out. I've got a few hundred in my garage that i distribute locally. 

BH its been a busy week and I therefore haven't been able to post on my thread.  It took me a couple of extra days to get through the appendix but bh i am starting to read The Battle of the Generation for the fifth time tonight! 

Selichos etc... has me more tired than usual but bli ayin hara i have not missed selichos b'tzibur so far this year.  I don't know if i have ever (in my entire life!) gone through yomim noraim without missing a day of selichos!

The last night of the year the yetzer hara paid me a special visit.  I woke up at 4AM from a very vivid dream that i preferred not to have.  I was a bit nervous going back to sleep because i did not want to go back to that place, but i knew that i needed the sleep to get through the day.  i said a silent prayer and bh made it clean through the night (i think i put on a shiur to help).  It was a bit disconcerting but i took the approach that this was another challenge that i was able to overcome with hashems help.

I received some beautiful messages before yomtov and it was a great feeling to know that i made a difference in other people's lives.  I view those messages as hashem's way of sending me a pat on the back!  I miss having the time to write for hours, iyh after sukkos i will have more time.  I am looking forward to a one year celebration at the end of October...

Have a great shabbos

vehkam

by the way there have been some great posts on the forums recently.  i am looking forward to a whole new slew of GYE friends...

It is erev yom kippur and i have already davened mincha.  The al cheit's that i said were for the same aveiros as previous years.  (i started my journey about a month after yom kippur last year.)  But what a different tefilah this was compared to the past.  I am no longer burdened by the heavy guilt and shame that permeated my being in years past.  I stand in awe of my creator and I am not bold enough to stand tall in his presence saying that i am cleansed and free of sin.  I simply open my heart and offer that i have but one desire and that is to serve hashem to the best of my ability.  I am an open book.  There are no secrets hidden or suppressed.  I look forward to the davening and am hopeful that i will be zoche to all of the kappara that is uniquely available on this coming day.  

From the depths of my heart i wish each and every one of you to be sealed in the book of good life for the coming year.  I will daven for all of you and i hope that you do so for me as well.  If i offended or slighted anyone here i hope that you will be mochel me.  

Wishing all an easy and meaningful yom kippur

vehkam

It’s an hour to sukkos but I would be remiss if I did not post here to thank all of you for the inspiration that I had on Yom Kippur.  At the end of each tefila I said all of your names that I could remember. I also had in mind the people whose names slipped my mind.  It was extremely emotional to think about the unprecedented effort that we as a group are putting in to fight our way through this.  Regardless of the individual results.  I truly believe this was the most powerful part of my davening on Yom Kippur. 

thank you again and wishing all a very joyous sukkos. 

vehkam

its AMAZING HOW FAR YOUVE COME AND WHAT A FIGHTER YOU ARE. sorry for the all caps im just getting into that vibe:peace:

In parshas וזאת הברכה, in the bracha to יוסף the pasuk says  ורצון שוכני סנה. This is a reference to hashem that is not used anywhere else in the Torah.  What is even more perplexing is that rashi by the story of the סנה explains that the reason hashem chose a thorn bush was to give the message of עמו אנכי בצרה. That hashem is suffering along with klal yisroel.  So the reference to the סנה seems even more out of place here in the middle of the beautiful brachos being given to שבט יוסף.

The answer, I believe, is a fundamental understanding of what עמו אנכי בצרה means.  When a person or klal yisroel is faced with a challenge, hashem is not merely saying that “don’t worry, I am here with you”. The message is so much more. When a person is challenged and does not give up, he keeps fighting to overcome his challenges and stay true to hashem, that is when we have the greatest opportunity to open the faucets of the ratzon hashem.  To create a desire by hashem to shower us with as much bracha as possible. 

The brachos to שבט יוסף are the sweetest and most beautiful brachos of those given to any שבט.  The מפרשים explain that יוסף was zoche to these brachos because he was עומד בנסיון in the most challenging situation.  The message of רצון שוכני סנה now makes perfect sense. It was precisely at the time when יוסף has his greatest challenge, that hashem was עמו אנכי בצרה. And when יוסף overcame the challenge, he opened the gates of that ratzon from hashem and tremendous bracha flowed forth. 

May we all be zoche to overcome our personal challenges, and see the tremendous bracha that will flow forth from the ratzon hashem inspired by our actions.

Have a wonderful Yomtov.

 I know no loneliness more tragic than the isolation of he who is forced to hide from himself

 - vehkam



Was thinking back to how lonely I was through all the years that I struggled.  bh I am no longer hiding and no longer lonely

One week from today marks the anniversary of the day i started my journey.  One year ago i came face to face with the stark realization that i no longer had any idea who i was or who i wanted to be.  My compartmentalized lives could no longer be compartmentalized and i needed to choose a path for how i wanted to live out the remainder of my life.  

I decided to take a break from the counterproductive activities and fantasies that i had been living with.  I was hoping for clarity.  So that i could choose with a clear head.

With tremendous siyaata d'shmaya clarity came very quickly and within a few weeks i made my choice.  I knew what i wanted I just wasn't sure if i could possibly get there.  That is when i started posting here on GYE forums.  

I am not sure what would have happened if there was no forums to post. if i did not have the opportunity to anonymously post my story.  my pain and my confusion.  my longing and my uncertainty.  What would have happened if those painful feelings just stayed inside me.  If i hadn't received the encouragement here in the forums and in private messages?

Would i have had the strength and resolve to do it on my own (with hashem's help of course.)  I don't know the answer to that question.  But i do know that this community has been there for me.  As mentors, as friends and as coaches.  Encouraging me along on every step of my journey.  

I have learned so much from sharing and responding here.  Each one of us is unique.  None of us has "all the answers".  Yet together as a community we strive to give each other the best possible opportunities at escaping from our personal abyss.  To encourage, suggest and focus on the goodness and greatness of every person here.  

I was incredibly fortunate over these last yomim tovim to have had the opportunity to be honored with both Maftir Yonah (which i bought and lained) and Choson Torah (which was given to me as a gift by the shul in which i was for simchas torah).  One year ago i could not have enjoyed either of those kibbudim.  The nagging inner voice would have been telling me that i was such a fraud... and that voice would have been right.  Today i can say that though i am in no way deserving of such prestigious honors, i was able to embrace the opportunity without any guilt whatsoever.  

All this and more are the reasons i am so appreciative to everyone here and to the founders and moderators of this site.  This week Daf Yomi will iyh be finishing mesechta Kesubos. I will iyh attending two celebrations, one of them for my shul which i sponsored.  Of course for me, these are not just another siyum.  they are also celebrations of a full year into my journey.  As i celebrate i will also be thinking of all of you who have been with me every step of the way.  From the bottom of my heart. Thank you! and may we continue to inspire each other.

vehkam

I received an email on my work email yesterday.  It was from my closest friend from my previous life.  It was an innocent email.  “I hope that you are doing well.”  She had given me some documents to review last year, “could I please send them back.  “ that was it.  Completely innocent.  

i formulated my response. “I am doing really well and hope that you are too” 

“so sorry that you never received the documents, I mailed them back to you months ago the day I texted you” (to say goodbye)

I suggested how the information in the documents could be replaced if necessary. 

I then carefully reviewed my response.  I remembered my therapists advice… don’t leave any open doors or windows….and I deleted the first line.

 I would have loved to let her know how well I am doing. That is not possible without opening windows.  

so I deleted it and in doing so I let myself and the משגיח מן החלונות know how well I am doing.