im lo achshav, eimasai



I just fell last night.

i haven’t gone 90 days without masturbating in the past 4 years. The closest I got was maybe a month and a half. I don’t just need to stop, I really WANT to stop. And I have to accept that I can’t do it alone. 

So, bli neder, I will post an update every single day (except for when it’s impossible) so I can keep focused, stay motivated, and keep the “one day at a time” mindset.

May it be Hashem’s will that I and all who are trying to make it to 90 days clean (and beyond!) succeed. 

Lets do this!

Day 2 clean!

Off shabbosim are usually difficult. 
Thank G-d today went by without a hitch.

just fell
this is not going to be easy

I heard a great explanation of the verse שֶׁבַע יִפּוֹל צַדִּיק וָקָם

(I think it was from Zos Brisi but I might be misremembering):

It said, a lot of the time when we hear this verse we think "a tzaddik rises up in spite of his fall." Really what this verse is saying is a tzaddik rises because of his fall. Each fall is in fact a stepping stone for growth.
Rabbi Akiva Tatz explains this idea in a great way also using a medical analogy. He say that when you look at an x-ray of someone's bone you can actually tell if they have broken that bone in that past. The way you tell is that the bone will be thicker in the part where broke. By nature, a bone will break at the point where it is weakest. But, once it is broken it heals itself and becomes the strongest part of the bone. This is similar to challenges in our own lives. They reveal weak points in ourselves that break under stress, but because of the process of breaking we will reach new levels of strength. Keep it up, you've got this!

Thanks for the encouragement! 
though I need to identify my “breaking points”…

TheYoungerTwin wrote on 07 Dec 2021 01:16:

Sounds like you're really motivated to stop. Iy"h you will - stay focused and keep posting! What do you mean by "breaking points"? Points of weakness?

breaking points was a reference to the analogy @committed_togrowth brought. i guess they are situations where i’m vulnerable/likely to fall.

Im back in yeshivah now so I can compare the situations.
- At home I have a hard time keeping to a schedule (or having one at all) and combine that with wifi access - I don’t do anything productive. When im not “accomplishing” i feel bad for wasting time and i get restless. This makes me want to act out.
- at home there are different things that frustrate me (family responsibilities and relationships) and leave me irritable. also usually getting in the way of any structure i might have had for the day - (back to point 1 ig)
- at home i dont have any friends around so its lonely. 

- In yeshiva i have a schedule to keep to. 
- Im surrounded by peers (Rabbeim, friends)

These situations overlap when it comes to bein hasedorim. If i get upset about wasting time i get that restless feeling. However its not the same as when im home because 
- im not alone
- i dont have wifi

So i guess this is a general identification of when/where im vulnerable but there are always other situations. 
If I identify the situation before entering it i can be more “on guard”. (how?? idk)
but i need to get to the root of why certain things are triggers and how to change that.

anyway, today’s been pretty good so far thank G-d

Welcome. It should be with hatzlacha. You express yourself very well. As you wrote, one of the biggest triggers we have is being unproductive and bored. However you can change the script. There are other pacifiers and distractions that are kosher and healthy. Exercise, music, a good book, cooking, sports, etc are just some eitzas. The idea is that one  never needs to act out. Keep posting tzaddik.

There are a few outlets/activities i like to engage in - but procrastination is the killer.
When im unproductive it is not due to a lack of “things to do” - its starting to do them that’s difficult.

Im feeling great today baruch Hashem! 
Its Day 2 and even though 2 is a pretty small number and some days are easier than others - its good to appreciate each one. 
Since its still early i’ll post later too.

Day 2 clean! 

On a sort of unrelated topic - Im reading a book called “The handbook of jewish thought” by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan. Incredible stuff. 
(would recommend to anyone interested in hashkafa/philosophy)

Day 3 
 some mild cravings, gonna be alright 

day 4 
wishing all the gye members a good shabbos! 

day 5 
shavua tov!

day 6 

last night i was frustrated with something and i had some urges. thinking of this thread, i chose not to pursue them.