anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 29 Oct 2021 11:58:

Thanks for your post. It's possible that it's related to the feeling of being alone. I sometimes think that that issue would be resolved if I get married. I'll have someone in my life to keep me company. Though, I'm not sure if this is accurate or not.

And I only need the internet for school.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 29 Oct 2021 11:16:

Thanks for the recommendation! I like frum books, but I find that they are very expensive in comparison to secular ones.

Day # 9
Sorry I haven't been posting. I didn't have a chance over the weekend.
Not much has changed. My friend came in again on Thursday and wanted to watch something on YouTube again. I told him no and avoided it this time. Then I went home for Shabbos since I had a family simcha. Overall, there weren't any shmiras einayim issues which I am very grateful for. Only on Motzei Shabbos when I was in the pizza store, I caught myself staring at a few attractive girls. I quickly looked away.
Yesterday, the day did not start on a good note. I slept through Shachris and missed Night Seder and Maariv. I was exhausted from Shabbos.
Today, I slept through Shachris again. However, I made it to all sedarim and the other tefillos. 
During dinner, I watched YouTube videos with a friend for a while. After he left, I fell further. I got inappropriate pictures on my phone. I would have fallen if I wasn't late for my chavrusa. On the way to the shaft, I made a neder to delete the pictures when I got back to the room or I would donate $100 to GYE. I need to set up better gedarim. Does anyone have ideas? I didn't have time before Shabbos to set up a full neder. Maybe it's time to sit down and work out the language of the neder. Imy"h I'll try to set it up tomorrow.
Signing off for the night,
-Dvar Ha'emek

-

As I suggested above, make some friends here on the site and call them on the phone regularly.

Hey everyone, 
I really do appreciate your feedback. It makes me feel that I'm not alone in this.
I haven't posted because I've been feeling down . . . I got access to an unfiltered device and fell. I was experiencing increased feelings of desire which I attribute to withdrawal. I still don't have a way to deal with the symptoms. Advice would be appreciated.
I made it to 10 days which is an accomplishment. This has been a learning experience. I'm not going to make it to 90 on my first try, maybe later in the year. My next goal is going to be to try and double my first try. This time I've set up a neder. BS"D I'll have continued success this time around.
Here goes Day #1.

Day #2
Today was the best day I had since I started. I got up for Shachris (maybe because we switched the clocks) and made it to every seder. I had little to no taiva. Although, when the Rosh Yeshiva was walking past me he took a long stare into my eyes (longer than I've ever seen him do before). Sort of felt like he was looking through me.
Round 2 is off to a great start.
Signing off for the night,
-Dvar Ha'emek

I quit a good shiur because I got paranoid about the magid shiur reading stuff about me on my forehead. Don't let it happen to you.

Day #4
Today went very well. I was able to stay completely clean. I didn't lust for anything. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I fell last week and it will restart when I get to day 9/10. Only time will tell. I started to read up on these issues, hoping it will help me understand what I'm up against. 
Signing off for the night,
-Dvar Ha'emek

You're doing an incredible job, keep up the good work!

It is normal for some level of withdrawal to hit at some time. Do not panic when/if that happens. Understand there is no physical need to ejaculate. The body does not overproduce and create a volcanic condition with actual physical pressure. Excuse the following blunt comment, but when one ejaculates after 50 days, the same amount comes out as after 3 days. Withdrawal is in the mind completely, and needs to be treated as such. First thing - stay calm and accept that it is normal and expected to happen. secondly, try to laugh it off. Say something like "Yetzer hara, leave me alone. i know what you want, but nobody is holding a gun to my haed and telling me i have to watch pornography or masturbate. My brain controls my penis - no outside force does. and i am not interested in your shenanigans anymore. Go find some other customer." The blunter you say it, the more clinical (not prust, chas v'shalom) you describe it, the more the monster you were always scared of shrinks in size. Hatzlacha.

I fell again yesterday. I was mentally exhausted. I think that's what caused it. I don't have any willpower when I'm tired. I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. I'm going to pick myself up and take another shot. So far I have a total of 15 days clean. 
Here goes Day #1 . . .
-Dvar Ha'emek

Day #3
Last night I watched a full movie. It didn't cause me to fall, but it did make me stay up till 2 AM. I was exhausted today and had many urges. I still do not have any plan on how to deal with exhaustion. It always causes me to fall. I have zero discipline when I'm tired. Advice is appreciated.
Signing off for the night,
-Dvar Ha'emek

Change the script buddy. You can be exhausted and not act out.... 

You wrote "It (exhaustion) always causes me to fall". Sorry, but there is no "it" in the world that causes anyone to fall. It is your brain and my brain that decide rach"l to act out. Maybe when we are tired we make poor choices, but it is our choice. Of course if exhaustion magnifies the nisayon, try to get adequate sleep and make a plan for times you are very tired. But after it is all said and done, excuse my blunt language, your brain controls your penis.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Nov 2021 12:16:

I hear what your saying, but if I'm tired and have no self control it doesn't matter if it's all in my brain