realclean wrote on 14 Sep 2021 19:04:
I just fell after 14 days on the 90 day program. I've been battling addiction in matters of kedusha for a very long time and after this fall something was different. Although obviously it wasn't worth it and I felt stupid the Second it was over which isn't new, the 14 days i just went through opened my eyes to the exact measures I need to take to get over this once and for all. It was obviously hard in the very beginning to stop cold turkey like that , but after a few days I began to pick up on why I get cravings and urges so much more often than need be. It's because I wasn't guarding my eyes probably. The moment you look at something that's not even too bad, and you don't have "malicious intent" at that very moment, your planting it into your brain wether you like it or not. And what I realized is that it will always come back to haunt you either later that night when trying to go to sleep, or during shemona esrei. Urges so strong that they're hard to get over. So I was trying to be as careful as possible to not see anything I shouldn't. But as the days went on and I hit night 13 I started feeling more comfortable and I let my guard down the tiniest bit to just look at a little bit of Instagram. In essence saying to myself " what's the big deal! It's not pornography, I'm not masturbating, and I'm on day 13! I'm already good at this!" And I fell into it, basically looking for provocative images to derive pleasure.. but hey! Atleast im not actually doing anything wrong! I ended up stopping myself and going to sleep. In bed I was hit with crazy urges. So hard to get it out of my head until I fell asleep. I woke up this morning with horrible urges and felt like I was a lost cause and I had to just do it and start again. Which is what I did. Im not proud of it. I now have come to a vital realization that the only effective way to get over a pornography addiction.. aside from holding back from it.. is to be so incredibly careful with what you look at; be it on a screen, in public, on the train, in the office, the list is literally endless. This is way easier said than done and this is where you have to set up your army. Fences, armour, barbed wire, tanks, and the best soldiers and weapons money can buy. I now get the true meaning of why this organization is called "guard your eyes".
thank you for reading. Good luck.
Kudos on 14 days. That's a big deal!Although I'm a strong believer in the idea of getting to the point of not needing the urge and not just about controlling the urge, I've definitely found this to be true as well. Letting go and just doing a little often ends in a crash. Like Chazal say the way of the Yetzer Harah is to start with a bit and then a bit more until he gets us to the greatest Aveiros.
