I've struggled with inyanei kedusha (shmiras habris, shmiras einayim, etc.) for quite some time. I think many of us are falsely taught that when we get married these issues disappear. This is simply not true. The work and effort needs to be put in long before, otherwise the problem will persist.

For the first year I was married, everything was fine. I didn't even think about "what if I fall?" But almost out of nowhere, I found myself back at square one. Feeling helpless, depressed, guilty and terrible that I fell, especially while I was married.

My wife once asked about my struggles with looking at inappropriate material. I told her the truth, making it seem as if it wasn't as bad as it was, and although she seemed relatively ok, that night she as unable to sleep, and things got really bad. She was heartbroken, felt like I had cheated, and I didn't think we'd get through it. Baruch Hashem we did, and with a newfound feeling of renewal and the ability to "start over," I began my journey again.

However, after some time, several months, I fell again. This time I didn't tell her. In fact, I kept it a secret because I thought she'd leave me if she found out. I spoke to one of my Rebbeim, and I was struggling to decide what to do. 

Then, two nights ago, she found out while looking at my phone. She was heartbroken, terribly sad and upset. But she didn't leave. She opened up to me about how she felt, about what she thinks I need to work on to help me remain positive. 


While I'm not necessarily advocating that everyone share their struggles with their spouse, having a support system and knowing people care for you and are there to support you is extremely important.

Once we can recognize there's a real problem, we can begin to take the proper steps and precuations towards rebuilding. I hope, with Hashem's help, that each and every one of us can muster the strength to never give up, to keep fighting, keep pushing forward, to overcome these negative desires and to feel like the tahor and kadosh yidden that we all are.

Hashem loves you. Never forget that.


B'ahava,

EOM

So what are some things we can do/change to help you be more matzliach?
Have filters? Any particular triggers? 

I’m experiencing similar things and I’m several months into marriage. I’ve been pretty good most of the time but I’m honest with my wife and she’s aware of the struggle. The hardest part to me is that to me the struggle makes sense and I’m willing to fight it but I don’t know how my wife understands it. She’s super supportive and it’s a blessing but we as men will never really know how they feel. 
I too daven to hashem for help every day. 
I don’t have advice I’m just letting you know I share a similar struggle but I’m hopeful that I and you will prevail. I made a promise to hashem that I will never stop fighting. I won’t and neither should you...it’s the battle itself that the יצר הרע wants you to give up, not winning the war. 

Well I put filters on everything and made sure there is really know way to access anything. 

Utilizing the forum and other resources on GYE is really important. This is the first time I've really been utilizing the tools here (partner/mentor programs, shiurim) to make a change and BH so far so good.

It's a huge blessing that your wife is understanding. Sometimes knowing that there are others struggling in similar situations gives more chizzuk than anything else. 

Bez'H we should see continued hatzlacha.

Firstly, you should have a lot of hatzlacha and I'm rooting for you!!

I found the same with my wife, hiding it just isn't a good idea whenever possible. 

Just a small point, In regards to "Well I put filters on everything and made sure there is really know way to access anything.". Filters are just so that it's very difficult to get to inappropriate material. I've found with myself, that if I am really motivated, unfortunately I do find a way to bypass it one way or another.
I find that when I'm aware that I'm not totally safe, it keeps me being super careful and together with feeling humility and realizing that I can't help myself without Hashem, is when I'm successful in staying away from all the shmutz.

Again, hats off to you and great hatzlacha!

I hear what you're saying and I agree 100%. I think there is always going to be a way when the desire is strong enough. And I also agree with what you said regarding it keeping you extra cautious and humbling you.

May we only experience continued success!