After about two weeks, another fall. At least I made it to two weeks. I try to tell myself that it’s ok and and that I should move on and that focusing on the past isn't worth it, but it's painful nonetheless. I really need to reach out again. It really isn't doing me so well not having posted over here. And even though I'm quiet busy, I probably can still find some time for this. As the famous saying goes: "You always find time for what's important."

Something that gave me a bit of chizuk was a nice piece in the pdf from gye called "Dear Bochur". Here's the piece:

The sin of hotza'as zera l'vatalah

Undoubtedly, the most prevalent of all michsholim today is the sin of hotza'as zera l'vatalah. It wasn't an uncommon thing even when I was young, and today it is much more widespread due to the bombardment of pritzus we are exposed to in the street. Few things can be more debilitating to a bachur than the guilt feelings brought on by this michshol, and sometimes bachurim become depressed as a result. Writing anything about this at all requires one to walk a very fine line. On the one hand, this is a very grave aveirah. We can not minimize that at all. On the other hand, given our present environment, it is not surprising that this sin is more widespread than in eras where the environment was purer. If we dwell on the severity of the sin, we increase the terrible feelings of guilt. If we try to assuage the guilt, we seem to be minimizing the sin, which we dare not do. How do we address this difficult issue? If you know anyone having difficulty with this temptation, this is what you should tell him: The severity of the aveirah requires you to make every effort to improve. However, the Ribono shel Olam knows our yetzer. If you can't have a total victory over the yetzer immediately, win some battles. Minimize. Daven for assistance, and celebrate every victory, even the small ones. If you truly make the effort to overcome this, in the end you will be successful. If it is possible to find someone older and wiser to confide in, by all means do so. (Indeed, Reb Elya Lopian used to announce that if there was a bachur who had been nichshal in this sin, he should know that he has whom to turn to.) But don't be riddled with guilt. Give it your total effort, and move on with your life. B'ezras Hashem, the fight should get easier over time, and even more so after marriage.

Anyway this is a small attempt to get back into writing. 
A gutte voch.

Hi
I've been struggling a lot recently. 
Kinda embarassing.

Wanted to publicly declare that, bli neder, for the next 24 hours I'll not be masturbating.

Feel free to post 240 times in these 24 hours
We are rooting for you

Go... 

24 hours are up.
Where do I go from here?
Another 24 hours?
I don't know if I can truly handle that.
So what do I do?
I know that the only way to overcome this is to truly commit.
But I don't feel like I have the energy for committing right now.
But does that mean that I will give in like a sheep for the slaughter?
How can I do that? 
But what can I do?
Aaaargghhh!!!
This is so frustrating!!!
I wish there were just a button that would be able to turn this off. 
Or perhaps some wise man, who knows me, standing next to me, telling me exactly what to do. Or perhaps calming me down.
Or perhaps just a button to turn this off.
Obviously not entirely realistic.

If you cant go for another 24 hours, how about 12?
Listen in sure you dont wanna stay with this for the rest of your life, let me tell you a secret... it wont go away by itself... so it might be hard, but why push it off? Why be a slave for another day?
You can do it for 12 hours, you did it in the past, as the saying goes here, nobody died by not giving in...
Tell that Mr, Urge calmly but strongly, you can talk but I dont havto listen...
Please let us know how it goes!

Sapy wrote on 13 Jan 2021 18:48:

Thanks Sapy for your comments.

It's true. I don't want to be a slave for even another second. 

But sometimes it's really hard.
Especially when I feel like I have no emotional energy, and I'm barely functioning and this feels like my only escape. It sometimes becomes so hard that I feel like it's too much.

I'm sure everyone here can relate to this feeling where the whole mind and body become focused on this tiny thing called lust and focusing on anything else becomes very hard. It's like being under a spell of sorts. And only once I give in the spell is sort of lifted. But not really, because a few hours later you realize that you drank from the fountain of ... saltwater. Trying to quench the thirst with something that will never do so. So the solution is to starve ourselves to the point that we become immune of the thirst. But for that we need a commitment. And for that we need energy. 

But after having so much saltwater in our mouths and being entirely dehydrated, where do we get the energy from? How can we overcome those urges that have haunted us so much in the past? 

We can indeed tell them to keep on talking and keep on whispering all those audacities in our ears and we will be stubborn and we won't listen. But can you truly blame the one that takes another sip? Perhaps you can perhaps you can't. I don't know.

All I truly hope for is that I will finally realize, but more than just realize, actually internalize, that continuing to drink from this cursed saltwater will never truly fulfill my desires and in fact only aggravate the situation. And that what initially looked sweet to me, now doesn't tempt me at all.

Indeed it's very hard... but perhaps this is the time to rewire your brain, when we need the release, then it's time to teach your mind that this is not the way to get it. 
Maybe try to call a friend to talk, it's a good distraction for some.
Also if you can identify what's causing you the trigger now, is it some kind of stress? How else can you deal with it?
you did it in the past, you can do it just today again!

Sapy, you're making me smile. (The warm and fuzzy type.)

But you're right.

IY"H I won't give in from now until I get up in the morning.
Thanks for the chizuk!!

(edit: Just saw the post is gone, but this message still counts.)

anonymousmillenial wrote on 25 Nov 2020 20:27:

Found a great post that might talk to your current situation, hope it helps you!

I just reposted it, to fix my mistakes...
keep us updated, and keep strong!

As embarrassing as this is and as bad as I may look with this it's better to spit this out then to lock myself back up in isolation. So here goes. I fell again. 

Baruch Hashem, I did keep my commitment and I went nearly 48 hours with being clean. But after my commitment time I started to spiral downwards.
Do I feel bad. Yes and no. Yes, it's never a good feeling to fall. No, I'm a bit used to this feeling already. To me that's not such a good sign. 

IY"H I am renewing my commitment till Motzoei Shabbos and bli neder I'll try to stay clean till then. After that, part of my commitment is to report back over here to what has happened. 

Another thing I recently realized is that my computer filter isn't as good as it needs to be and I need to make some adjustments to it. (My dad holds the password: "hey dad, just need to make some adjustments to the filter...". We'll see how that goes.)

Another thing I would like to do is I would like to reach out again as I haven't done so in a long time. 

I hope that even though my motivation isn't that strong right now, but these few steps will help me get back on track.

Hi AM I'm sorry to hear that you fell, but kudos to you for getting right back up!
Maybe now is a good time to think what triggered you, and how to avoid it in the future. Picking up a phone is a good idea, I'm sure it helped you in the past.

Ok as promised, I would write how my Shabbos went.
There's the good and the bad.

The good: I got my filter adjusted to block out the things I don't want to see.
The bad: I ended falling before the filter got adjusted.

Conclusion: progress, but there's still a lot to work on.
This week I want to reach out as well, so I hope that will give me a bit of chizuk as well. 

Hey guys,

I know it's been a long time. It's just been so hard. One fall after another.
It's feels like one step forward, two steps back. 
And that makes me feel like it's not worth it to even bother taking that one step. 
Intellectually I know that this type of thinking is not true, but it just feels that way sometimes.
So I felt embarrassed to show my 'face' here. 
I mean what would I post: "Hey I just fell again" for the umpteenth time?
So I decided to hide in my cocoon.
After being so long in the dark it's quiet hard to get out in the light again, but I'll try. Here are a few things on my mind:  
***
A few months ago I tried figuring out what triggers me. And one of the things that came up was watching movies and series (I think I've posted about this in the past). And although they can be a good distraction at times when feeling the urges, I think that their disadvantages outweighs the benefits.
So I tried quitting. And believe me, it's so darn hard.
Letting go of something you really want, but know is not good for you can be really hard. It's been really taxing. 
I've been trying to find a strategy. 
So, I knew for myself that I couldn't just throw all my physical and digital movies away. But at least I could limit my access to them. So I told my parents to lock them away. Like this at least I haven't really fully let go, but at the same time I've created a rift that I so much needed.
This might seem like a small feat, but believe me, it took me months to get to this place (with a lot of backtracking and then moving forward again. ​It's like there is this battle inside of me between two forces, each one trying to outsmart the other.) And I also don't feel confident that I've completely let go.

***
Since I was working on movies, I felt I didn't need to work on masturbation yet so much. And so I let myself fall quite often. But these falls have definitely not been good for my self-esteem. 
I don't know how to explain it, I feel like I've progressed, but on the other hand I feel like not really. Like, it was just about a year ago that I got into this whole mess. And now this thing is eating at me every single day. It's on my mind a lot of the time. 
And I know that I shouldn't be feeling so bad, but what can I do, I do feel bad.
***
And then there is the feeling of I just don't care if I fall. Like, I just want the pleasure. And I deep down know that it's bad, but I want it so badly. And once I start focusing on that it becomes so hard to not give in. I don't know how to deal with that.
***
Also now that I don't really have access to movies, how in the world am I going to fill that time when I am bored? Exercise? Maybe, but not always in the mood. Read a book? Ok, but sometimes I just want to let my mind escape without any effort. What is going to fill that gap?
***
These are few of my thoughts recently.

PS: Just wanted to add that writing here again feels kinda good. It's like seeing the familiar face of an old friend you haven't seen for a really long time.

anonymousmillenial wrote on 16 Aug 2021 20:43:

I very much relate to all that you’ve written. I’ve felt every one of those emotions and have experienced the pain you are in.
It takes superhuman courage and strength to come back here and face yourself.
There is a lot to discuss, and I do not have the time now to address each of your points.
But for now just know that we all love you, admire you, and are confident that you will be successful.

Please don’t return to the “cocoon,” you did that already and that made things worse. Now it’s time to break free and become the “butterfly” you are destined to be.
And we are here for you every step of the way.


With much admiration,

YeshivaGuy