Steve wrote on 23 Aug 2010 21:10:


That coffee must have tasted really good when flavored with such a rich experience!

...or where you to happy to even notice the taste of the coffee!?!?!

Hello Chevra!!

I just wanted to share that yesterday was an incredible day!! At shachris, I announced to Hashem my powerlessness over not just my lust, but my whole fear and procrastination issues that make me an "escape-aholic", and begged Him to lead me in the way which he wants me to go, to allow me to receive my parnose for my family's sake. Then His magic happened!

I felt inspired at the end of tefillah. Then I got an aliyah. Then I got to share a vort with a chaver at shul, and got to hear a yesodosdike vort (below) that cuts to the heart of our struggle and our program! I was flying high!! Then we had a beautiful, exciting fellow"ship" conference call, rounding out an amazing week!! Then, following the advice of one of my favorite Program Buddies, and after asking HKB"H to remove my fear and bless me with hatzlacha, I spoke honestly to some clients, facing up to the fact that my work is late according to their timetables, and apologizing humbly. INSTEAD OF LETTING ME HAVE IT, they were BOTH (two separate calls) kind and forgiving and just allowing me more time to finish this stage. It was an AMAZING RELIEF!!

So then i just buckled down and GOT TO WORK!! - Turned my back on the distractions and escapism tools, and saw tremendous siyata dishomaya in progress in the work!! WOW!! Then had a GREAT NIGHT out with some of the kids - went down to the Jersey Shore for some standing in the surf and watching the weekly fireworks display at the beach. GEVALDIG!! AND Refreshing!!

So Hashem was showing me He's right there with me! The happiness of the day made being at the beach/boardwalk absolutely NO PROBLEM lust-wise. Proof again that NO RID, NO LUST. Blessed indifference to the way the people were dressed, and focussing on my wife and kids. THANK YOU, HASHEM!!

So i'll leave you with this vort I heard. Rav Nosson Ber Wachtfogel (RY and Gaon, South Fallsburg) said over recently b'shem the maharil, that the whole reason people fall back into their old aveiros after doing teshuva, is because THEY HAVEN'T UPROOTED THE CAUSE OF THE AVEIRA FROM IT'S ROOTS!!

Well, THAT'S EXACTLY what the 12-Step program is all about! Getting to the ROOT of the problem. We learn that the REASON we LUST is because we are in pain from our RID, feeding the RID is our EGO that selfishly doesn't want to accept that we're not the boss, and the root cause of that UNHEALTHY EGO is the SPIRITUAL VOID we have inside. We are not properly CONNECTED to Hashem, and we are in deep emptinesss and pain without that. AS SOON AS WE CONNECT with Hashem, and WORK to develop a real personal relationship with Him, then that empty pit, the black hole in out hearts and souls, is filled!

We couple that with REAL HUMILITY, recognizing that HASHEM is the Boss, accept that my life runs HIS WAY, and not mine. We feel b'emes SAFE in His arms, and TRUST HIM, and look for the MEANING and PURPOSE He wants us to build from our nisyonos. We GIVE OUR HUMILITY A KIYUM IN MEISEH, in ACTION, by becoming a person of SERVICE to others. We get out of self-pity and self-focus, and focus on others and THEIR needs, THEN HASHEM RESPONDS TO US WITH AMAZING SIYATA DISHOMAYA, when we work our hardest to do what's right in HIS eyes. (and it's PROGRESS, not perfection - Hashem responds at any level, as long as we are sincere).

Now just plug it all into the equation: Take away the spiritual emptiness, and accept life on Hashem's terms, we correct our EGO to healthy, humble levels. We become comfortable in our own shoes. And we find that the bad EGO middos are repalced with GOOD ones, and we become happy and tolerant of others and of the "stuff of life." Now there is nothing to feed the RID - the same things happen in life, but it doesnt lead us to RID anymore. And without the RID, we have NO NEED TO LUST, no need to run away and hide from our feelings. We can cope with life thru a positive attitude and inner joy.

Many of us in the Program have ALREADY SEEN this happen to us in short glimpses, sometimes extended periods. We are all human, and everyday is a new challenge to get to this level. But it IS attainable, and the more often we do it, the more we re-wire our minds and middos into new, unselfish programming. And experiencing it even just once, gives me chizuk that i can get there, again and again. And I want it, with all of my fiber I want it! May Hashem bless me, and ALL of us, with a life of pure deveykus Hashem!

A Good Shabbos, and may everyone have a Kesiva V'Chasima Tova, l'alter l'chaim ul'shalom!

Steve wrote on 27 Aug 2010 16:52:


Thanks, Steve.  I needed something like this right now.  I'm in pretty serious escapaholic mode right now and I needed a real life message of  הַשְׁלֵךְ עַל ה יְהָבְך וְהוּא יְכַלְכְּלֶךָ
And that when Hashem is in charge (which he always is, we just have to recognize it) all can be handled even if we've dug ourself into a mess.

Steve wrote on 27 Aug 2010 16:52:


I've heard this before (mainly from Dov) but it finally hit me yesterday while walking down the street.  In the past I would get a feeling of resentment when I would walk down the street and be confronted with tzniyus issues.  Yesterday it hit me that Hashem is the One sending these people my way.  My only obligation is to remain alert and avert my eyes and just gone on living.  Walking down the street became a non-stressful experience.  No matter the situation we are put in we don't have be stressed from it, when we realize where its coming from. 

Steve wrote on 27 Aug 2010 16:52:


Amen.  V'Chain Lmar.


P.S. It's Rav Elya Ber (Rav Nossan, the Masgiach in Lakewood was Rav Elya Ber's father). 

Hmmnn. If there's no RID, there's no LUST. Half in jest, I'll reply that if that's the only route to get to sobriety, I think I'll be stuck in white-knuckled land forever. There's not enough (psych) drugs in the world to rid my rid. Argh.

Thanks for your honest and thoughtful posts.

Loved the last post.  Have a wonderful week and keep on going.  I am so happy for you my friend.

Briut wrote on 29 Aug 2010 15:07:


My Dear friend Dr. Briut, Shlit"a,

We are already using Drugs to 'get rid of the RID' - that's our DRUG OF CHOICE, our Lust. We THINK it will get rid of it, but it doesn't - it only numbs us from it, so we can hide from it, but it doesnt go away. So HOW do we get rid of it? By undermining the CAUSE of the RID.

No pills needed.

The stuff of life will still happen - the car will break down just when you have an important appointment, your wife will act more as the knegdo than the eizer, the kids will scream at you, you'll make a fool of yourself in front of the wrong people, and you'll miss that mortgage or tuition payment.

Fertile ground for RID, to say the least.

But if we can get into a PERSPECTIVE of acceptance of these events as Hashem's Will, and understand this as part of "His Better Plan for Me" (and not as His "He's Out To Get Me Plan"), and COUPLE that with PRACTICAL methods, tools, for giving MEANING and PURPOSE to those events, thru humbling our EGOs, we are on the road to undermining the RID. And the icing on the cake is when we open our hearts to let Hashem's Guidance run our lives, we can begin to live so much in the present that we experience true joy in life.

Then the stranglehold our RID had on us gets less, and we get freedom from our negative emotions and self pity modes. And when the RID is less or even GONE for the moment, well... LUST GOES "POP"!

All we need to do to start is to be WILLING and HONEST with ourselves enough to say - "I really NEVER want to view pornography or masturbate anymore." We can't think for a moment that "somehow i just want to control it so i can enjoy it when i want to and not have it hurt me."

Then, like naaseh v'nishma, we must be ready to be coachable, to accept the word of those who have gone before us, and dive in with all our might into a program of recovery.

The 12-steps worked for me, and continues to be my lifeline to freedom from Lust.

Steve wrote on 02 Sep 2010 15:56:


Well, when I feel WILLING to say that, I know that I'll likely also be HONEST enough with myself to naaseh v'nishmah.

In the meantime, though, I'm going to acknowledge the current reality, which is that I liked having a drug; I even feel that I deserved it, needed it, wanted it. And the prospect that I'll be working toward "no drug needed" rather than "kosher substitute" is still feeling a little heavy.

One day at a time, hopefully in an upward spiral.

I bless us all that HKB'H should give us all the health, strength, wisdom, and emunah to continue that spiral in the coming year.

Amen!! Onward and Upward!! And let's not forget, we're doing this TOGETHER!!

Thanx Dr. B. MAy HKB"H bless you with more and more of His Light, and may you be blessed with seeing him more and more in your life.

KT,

Steve

Wow, it's kinda quiet here in the Pickle Jar....

I want to mention something we talked about on today's call. A Rov spoke this past Shabbos about an elderly woman his family was distantly related to, who had no children and lived independently by herself, who never asked for help, who passed away recently. The neighbors noticed the newspapers piling up for a couple days outside her door, and knowing she always took them in right away, called the police. The police broke in and found the nifteres, and called that Rov because they were family.

The Rov pointed out that had it not been for the newspaper siman, she could have been there for a whole month before someone might have noticed they hadn't seen her. How could that be? BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ONE WHO NEEDED HER. No children, no friends, complete isolation.

He pointed out that part of our protection from catastrophe, our arsonal for favorable judgement, is when PEOPLE NEED US. "Harabbim Tzorchim Lo". If other people would be UNDULY negatively impacted if something "bad" would happen to us, it mitigates a harsh judgement. Hashem takes that into account.

Being involved, becoming a servant of Hashem who is of service to others, adds to our personal merits and helps to protect us from harsh din, chas v'shalom. And for us addicts, it takes us out of our isolation and our own heads, and trains us to be "other-focussed" instead of EGO focussed.

When we reach out to others of our chevra on our forums and phone rosters and PMs and emails, are we reaching out only because WE NEED THEM? What about reaching out in case there is someone WHO COULD POSSIBLY NEED US? Someone new we have no contact with, who needs a nice "Welcome Home!"?

Do we know a lonely person, and elderly person, a mixed up youth, a depressed or handicapped person, whom we could just reach out to with a friendly word? A kind favor? "Oh, I called cuz I was just thinking about you, and I wanted to wish you a Gutte Yor." "Hi. We're going to the market, I thought I'd call you to see if there is anything i could pick up for you to save you the trip." "Hi. I realized I made an extra kugel and have no room to freeze it. Do you need a kugel for Yom Tov?"

This is what Hashem wants from us, so we need not be shy or afraid to take that first step. And sometimes others are shy at first to open up and take what we offer them. Don't be discouraged. Keep reaching out.

Now on a personal note:

I ask mechillah from the entire chevra if there was anything I might have said or done to disturb the honor of the group or to offend anyone in particular. I am only human, and I might have accidentally not responded to your share enthusiastically enough, or not been available when you needed me privately or forgot to PM/email you back, not visited your own thread when you expected me to, or hurt your feelings in any way. I am just an addict like everyone, and I'm just trying to do the best that I can. So Please, PLEASE forgive me.

And although I know of no reason to need to, I am mochel b'leiv shalom anyone who feels they need to ask. I only have the utmost love and respect for all of you. You are MY teachers, and you are my friends, and I could ask for none better.

L'Shanah Tova T'Kaseivu V'Sechaseimu, L'Alter L'Chaim Tovim UL'Shalom!

May THIS BE THE YEAR we win our Freedom TOGETHER from our addiction, and begin our NEW LIFE in Hashem's Light, doing what Hashem wants us to do, and accepting His outcomes. And YEHI RATZON that we and all of GYE greet each other B'SIMCHA, along with ACHEINU KOL BEIS YISROEL, at the Binyan Beis Hamikdosh, with Moshiach Tzidkeinu, B'mhaira B'yomeinu, AMEN!!

I happened to be checking out the pickles in this jar, so I decided to stop in and wish a Happy & Healthy Year.

A K'siva v'chasima tova!              A Year that will be even better than this Year!!!!

A year in which we will see Moshiach!              The year in which the evil Yetzer Horah will be slaughtered!!



So are the wishes of one of your smallest talmidim (& biggest nudnik)
Yosef Hatzadik

Just dropping by to see my favorite pickle.  How's by you?

I hope you're not caught in a pickle!

--Eye.

Steve is too busy sharing his pickle juice on the Morning Edition of the 12 Step Group Calls that he doesn't have time to come check in here at the GuardYourEyes Forum anymore.


All who miss his wise & insightful comment are welcome on the Call!

1-760-569-6000
pin number:121318#

Mon-Thurs. 8:30 - 9:30 AM


(Actually more like 8:35 to 9:40)

HELLOOOOOOOOOO CHEVRA!!

Long time no Post!

Just wanted all ya'all to know that I'm still alive and kicking.

In fact, tho I didnt make a big deal of it, I hit a milestone on October 12. That is my Sobriety date according to SA protocall, which counts sobriety as not masterbating, as opposed to GYE Wall of Honor which counts "not viewing bad sites (ie. Porn or very close to it)" as sobriety. So, for the SA zachen I have been "clean" for over a year. Come the third ner of Chanukah, I will BE"H count being clean from porn viewing for a year as well.

I think of all youz guyz very often, but I have no significant time in my packed schedule to check in on the forum, let alone to post here (you might remember that I love LONG posts...!)

Have a GREAT SHABBOS!!

Steve.

good shabbos tzadik.