Thanx guys. very true.

It's so important to realize this perspective, that our kids ARE YEARNING FOR A CONNECTION TO US.

Perhaps that's another reason for the Mitzvah of Kibbud Av V'em - by us yearning for a connection with our parents, it could teach us to YEARN for a connection to Hashem Himself. And we as parents can emulate Hashem, who is always offering A&W's and other ways to reach His hand out to US, his Children, for a ONE ON ONE connection. So too, we should go out of OUR way to reach out to our kids for a connection. And like Hashem doesn't force himself upon us, but waits for us to take His hand, we should wait patiently, always ready, to grab on to our kids when they finally reach out to take our waiting hand.

Like you said, 1daat, it's NEVER too late!

have a GREAT SUPPER DUPER MAJOR RELAXING SHABBOS everyone!

Let's all soak-up the Kedusha, and let ourselves SHINE!!

Hope everyone had an easy fast, and an inspirational Tisha B'av.

KUTGW, y'all!!

What a test! we took the kids last night to the rides by the boardwalk. During the summer, we NEVER go there during the day, while at night we are safe from people dressed in bathing suits. Nevertheless, it IS a bigger test than going to the supermarket in the summer, as people on dates trying to attract each other are obviously (un)dressing to impress. Plus, it was the same place i used to SWIM in lust at, back in the pre-frum High School days of my own dating scene (which, BTW, was more like a Woody Allen Comedy-of-Errors movie than anything).

However, After a few moments of trying to 'control" myself, i realized that was fruitless (i'd eventually wear down my resistance), so i turned the "control" over to Hashem. I asked Him for guidance and freedom from the desire to look, and it WORKED!! We left the kids (all teens or older) to do their roller coasters and tilt-a-whirls, and my wife and i took a "power-walk" on the boardwalk, away from most of the crowds. There were still enough people that would have had my head spinning in my pre-GYE days, but Hashem placed the idea into my head to look above everyone's heads. I focussed on the "crowd" so I wouldn't bump into anyone, but I didn't "see" any particular person. Doing that for 30 minutes during our walk had given me a mindset that protected me the rest of the evening! After the walk, standing waiting for the kids during repetitive visits to the bumper cars, once and awhile the YH tried a surprise attack on my eyes, but it was like being IMMUNE!! I couldn't CARE LESS about the halter tops and shorts and those wearing them. As I've experienced before, BH, it was BLESSED INDIFFERENCE. I was FREE from the DESIRE to look and enjoy! They were people, fellow humans trying to have a good time, and that was all. I could focus on my wife, my kids, and have a good time myself without the internal self cursing I used to feel trying and failing not to lust.

I don't recommend such excursions, but when circumstances throw you into it, BH we have the SIMPLE SET OF TOOLS to keep us sober! And these tools are readily available by joining one of GYE's 12 steps programs, and WORKING the steps.

Well, if anybody sees this, i hope it was helpful. I know I don't get to post often, but lately it seems i've been talking to myself....

wonderful post.  I loved how you focused on the crowd not one person.  KUTGW!!

Sci -

Q. How long can a 700 lb. Gorilla bounce on a mattress?

A. As long as he wants. Who's gonna stop him?!

Steve wrote on 22 Jul 2010 15:28:

i would venture to say it would have to be a rather •thick• mattress to get him to bounce at all

great post about the boardwalk, there is nothing like reading about real-life successes to give us hope and inspiration, thanks

Yeah, thanks about the boardwalk. I was with my wife by the waterfront recently (not a beach) and realized the number of half-naked folks walking/jogging around.

I had a great chat with my wife about the shmiras eynayim work I'm doing through this site. And how rough it is when the eye candy includes not just the women (halacha) but the men (my own thing...). Which means basically that people are off limits as objects. Which I thought would be totally impossible.

But it really isn't so bad. Lesson: People weren't put here to be our personal objects of amusement. People are not eye candy. I miss that, of course, very much, although it's getting a little easier.

But the real message of guarding our eyes isn't really to avoid p**n or even to avoid the second glance in the street. I think it's to remind ourselves that HKBH put people on this planet for reasons other than to serve as eye candy for each other.

Which I think is what you were saying. Which is why I'm saying thank you. It's a good message to read from someone else's posts. Good chizuk. Thanks.

Thanx guys.

Yes, Dr. B, it's another way of finding freedom, when we realize that PEOPLE ARE NOT OBJECTS, they are somebody's wife/daughter with their own lives, feelings, hopes & dreams, and pekkel as well. Once we de-objectify and think of them as people, as humans, as NOT our personal toys/playthings/eye candy, a good piece of the LUST automatically falls away.

Why?

I think that on the animalistic level it's bcuz our EGOs don't WANT a relationship with them, it only wants the toy, and having to deal with their feelings ruins the fun - things might not go "our" way. And on the Neshoma-dic level, it could be that when we think of them as someone's daughter, we get a little concerned for their welfare, and we start to CARE about THEM. And the SECOND we focus away from ourself, our ego takes a back seat right then, and the Lust Urge weakens or goes POOF for that moment.

Because my Lust is ALL ABOUT ME.

Have a GREAT SHABBOS everyone! The Geulah is coming! Let's get IN to Moshiach by increasing or focussing on OTHERS and THEIR NEEDS, and less on our own.

See ya on Monday!!

OH, Dr. B., meant to tell you how impressed I am that you can speak about your shemiras eiynayim problems and GYE connection with your wife.

Kol HaKovod to BOTH of you!!

- S. -

Dr. Pickz: Thanks. Yeah. She's a good woman. Think I'll keep her .

I forget sometimes what a bracha it is to be able to share this GYE stuff (and this SSA stuff) with a spouse. (It's not always easy. For either of us. You should hear the stuff she might share with me. Oy! But that's the point.) Thanks for the reminder!!

So, counting blessings: she's lost all her pregnancy weight; she's patient with children, she's held on to her libido from her youth, she puts up with A LOT (from her husband, I mean), and calls her mother every Friday. She can even balance a checkbook. She hates shopping and spends very little. She's careful with loshon hora. She's rarely jealous.

And even so, I can forget all this and be full of complaints. Oy. She deserves better. But of course, sometimes I believe that I deserve better, too. HKBH makes the cheshbon, in his infinite wisdom and infinite sense of humor. So we've got each other.

Thanks for the reminder, Steve, and a good Shabbos.

-Doc

Well ya'all, today we've officially pulled up anchor, and started full speed ahead out of port. Two fantastic cruise ships, loaded with all the delicacies you could want on a 13-week or so journey - good companionship, a healthy agenda, and calm weather.

And it's never too late to have a helicopter swing overhead and drop you off on deck. Just cuz you missed the breaking of the champagne bottle on the bow before we pulled out, doesn't mean this ship has sailed without you.

My co-captains, Dov in Israel and Michael, and I, welcome ANYONE who wants to find lasting freedom from this monster called Lust. All you gotta do is turn to the YH, put your thumb to your nose, wiggle your fingers at him, stick out your tongue and go PPPPBBBBBTTTTHHHHBBBB! (Please do NOT do this facing your keyboard), then call in to the Conference Call number, 760-569-6000, for either the 8:30-9:30am call or 12noon-1pm call. At the prompt, punch in the access code 121318#, and you're on board!!

OK you swabs, ALL HANDS ON DECK!!

Steve wrote on 23 Jul 2010 19:02:



Steve - firstly i wanted to tell you i get a lot of chizuk from your posts, so thanks! I couldn;t help but to but in though. My therapist suggested doing this, but i find it only works for me, if i know the girls family and can picture them in my head as real people. If all i have is this attractive inticing image right in front of me versus this abstract undetermined family that she may have, the real image in front of me defeats the family that i have to conjure up....

do you have any further insight into this avodah?

(thanks for your time and sorry to hijack your thread)

an honest mouse wrote on 26 Jul 2010 22:10:



Hiya HM, thanx for stopping by. No hijack meant, no hijack taken. 

I did not mean that you have to stretch your imagination to picture her family, parents, boss, banker, etc. That would even be beyond ME, and I have a pretty powerful and graphic imagination...

What I meant was that you THINK OF HER as a human being with a LIFE of her own, not as an "eye-candy" object placed there by the universe for you to enjoy and fantasize over. Case in point - Try this exercise - Think (dont conjure or picture) about the fact that one of those p*rn ACTRESSES on the little screen is SOMEONE'S daughter, someone who loved her as a child and tried to give their life for her, investing into her all their hopes and dreams that their little girl would grow up to be someone good and wholesome. How devastated they must be (or would be) knowing that their daughter became this p*rn slut, how their lives and hearts are shattered because of their daughter's bad choices. Now think about HER life, how it must of unravelled from the lacy play dresses and pink shoes of her life at home, how lowly she holds of herself, how she can't face her parents and family anymore, how her own dreams and self esteem are in the gutter now. Or perhaps she is a badly mixed up girl from an abused background, never thinking highly of herself, not realizing her choice brings her so despicably low.

Or if it's a normal person you pass on the street, try imagining they have their own life and hopes and dreams, or that she couldnt care less about you even if youd meet, cuz she has her own baggage to deal with.

I know I had started to feel like a cad imposing my fantasies on a real life person. And after all, I dont want to talk to her, I only wanted to touch, not buy, the item. If she is a frum married woman, I'd think about the fact that she'd be oveir a big issur and lose EVERYTHING she holds dear - her husband, her kids, her respect in the community - how could I allow so much pain to happen to a family even IF she would respond to my 'come ons"?

For me, it certainly puts a damper on the lust urge at that moment. After all, who wants to marry her and hear her complain about her own life?

Does that help clarify things?

Just typing a quick hello.

HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

bye.