Hi guys.

It's very tough being in a shivah house where the grown up daughters of my cousins dress the way they do. As Bards would say, they're not MY problem. true. But I'm still weak enough that the desire to peak gets thru sometimes, especially in big RID moments. Still clean, tho, BH, but I gotta get out of being a slip-a-holic. Gotta move on.

I'm glad we're finally back into the active steps again, I could use an inventory right now, man. Lots to think about. Hashem has presented me with a shtark contrast: the healthy functionality of my uncle's and aunt's marriage and decendants vs. the unhealthy disfuntionality of my parent's marriage and decendants. I am learning thru seeing how their close-knit family, of which my uncle was the glue, handles this adversity. I am embarrased that people who don't live with the Torah appear to have certain acts together, while my siblings who are all Frum have blatant issues with dealing with life. I love my parents, but strong interpersonally relationship skills were neither taught nor modelled at home, and I see now that not facing life is part of my upbringing.

I have to use this new insight, get out of the self-pitying mode, learn to accept my parents and siblings, and myself, for who we are, how we were raised, and realize we are all just doing the best that we can. I have to forgive them, and forgive myself. THEN, I have to determine to change MYSELF ONLY, by adjusting my perceptions to focus on others, away from myself.

I also have to get more sleep.  G'NITE!!

KUTGW and have a wonderful meaningful Shabbos.

Steve you are way cool. Your posts are always very enlightening. My family situation is also sort of messed so I relate to a lot of what you write. Have a pleasant Shabbos.

ZD

Steve, you are a perfect example of why I love this forum. People who are seriously growing, and are self-aware, and face the issues that come up in their lives, and work on them!

You rock!

silentbattle wrote on 16 Apr 2010 20:09:



ditto  :D

hi guys!

Hope u all had a pleasant shabbos.

Got up early for me 2day, went to an early minyan and came in to my office to get 2 hours of work done before my sunday seder. Trying to make effective time management changes. Lots of tension tho. I store it in my back and neck. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! Dang I need a good back and neck rub.

Have a GREAT DAY everyone. Remember Hashem Loves you. Think Positive. Be Good. Eat Chocolate.

Glad to hear that you're growing and moving forward!

And chocolate is always good! ;D

Hi again guys.

Just wanna touch base and say that even tho SO FAR today's been a little challenging, I'm thinking of all of us strugglers and gathering strength from Hashem AND you all, and I'm gonna remember to PAUSE and STOP and THINK before i make any wrong moves.

Like I had a tough bus. meeting that went way overtime and nerves, so I was ripe for RID to say the least - then driving back, Mr. Menuval placed a pretty lady in a car next to mine. BH i only noticed her out of the corner of my eye, and when the YH said LOOK AGAIN I was aware enough to say WHY AM I FEELING LIKE I WANT TO? My mind answered CUZ YOU'RE UPSET AND WANT TO FEEL PLEASURE RIGHT THIS INSTANT - C'MON, IT'S ONLY A GLANCE, AND ONLY A FACE, FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!!. And then knowing that, i was able to say NO, I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF PLEASURE and was able to turn away with no second look. ONE SECOND LATER the traffic moved and she was gone - AND I FELT NO LOSS.

Guys, we have to realize that EVEN WHEN WE LOOK, the pretty girl is gone in a moment, AND WHAT DID WE GAIN? NOTHING!!! Adarabbah, what we LOST was tremendous, cause we wired our brain at that moment, we conditioned ourself, to want to look, to give into our teivos all the more. next time will be harder to avoid, not easier, and maybe a bigger slip, or the straw that breaks our resolve for good, chas v'shalom!!

And remember something else, guys - you know you've felt this - even after you look, and then 5 seconds after she's gone from view, you've forgotten about her anyway, she means nothing to you anymore. So if instead of looking, you can keep from looking until she's past and it's no longer possible, and then you realize YOU LOST NOTHING. BUT YOU GAINED ETERNITY!!

Now, take it up a notch and apply the same method to viewing porn & acting out. The urge comes, GET AWAY FROM THE SCREEN and the opportunity to peak easily. RUN AWAY!! Get involved in something else, get your head out of it. call a friend or a sponsor! AND SCREAM OUT TO HASHEM RIGHT THEN - SAVE ME!! - You'll see that after a few moments the urge should lessen, if not disappear completely for the moment.

And then you'll realise, by NOT looking, by NOT doing, you didn't really miss or lose anything. Cause at that second it means nothing to you anyway. And then you realize WHAT YOU GAINED!!

May Hashem give us of His strength to RUN from the battlefield until the enemy shrugs his shoulders and goes back home.

See you tomorrow, gang...

Yo, guess what?

Day 125. add that to my first 55 days. That's 180!!

10 times L'chaim, everyone!!

LET"S DRINK AND TANSE!!

(the woody's on bardy...)

Dear Steve,

Mazel Tov on your gift of so many consecutive days! It's a gift that never really stops giving - unless you do. (boy, was that profound)

Also, thanks so much for the lady-in-the-car-next-to- yours scenario above. I really thought I was in a rare minority of weirdos. Now I see that it's one weirdo less "a rare minority", than I thought it was! If Mr menuval can keep this up long enough, my friend, we may be the majority some day! ...just kidding. That desperation to catching a good look at a pretty face is a "gateway drug" for me, usually ending me up in a cat-and-mouse game (nowadays they just call it "stalking" and ya get arrested for it) and dug me ever deeper into that secretive yucky lifestyle, Hashem yishmereini...

Vive' le bizzarreux!

Dov

Hey, Steve...I'm stealing your line. Just thought I'd let you know (see my new signature).

No problemo, SB.

My attorney will be contacting you to settle on the royalty fees.

Worth it!  ;D

Man, if i don't post every day, I'm gonna end up on page 2!! There's so much beautiful activity going on over here!!

Well, we got DC's Step 4 sheets today. I think this group is going to have it much smoother to accomplish this step than we did last cruise. Before, some of us had a lot of hang-ups filling out the sheets. Particularly some who had unfortunately been victims of unspeakable abuse, with memories and emotional reactions which they had hidden in order to "survive", but which were haunting them none-the-less and needed to be addressed. I think that by DC suggesting we start at bar mitzvah age, for the purposes of the exercise and it's 5th step outcome, we will circumvent such issues this time. If such issues exist among this chevra, perhaps they could speak it out with DC on a separate sheet or call. The purpose here is to deal with resentments and fears that have more of a recent impact in our day-to-day lives.

Too bad tho. i still want to throw a brick thru Allen & Jerry's Office window. Those two guys, as kids, really traumatized me. WAIT! I GOT IT!! OK, here goes:

"Hashem, I can not do this alone. I am tired of HATING two mixed up Jewish boys for what they did to me as a child. Please Hashem, it is too much for me. I am not in control, I never WAS in control. please Hashem, if it pleases You, please throw a brick thru their office window, and may no one be physically hurt. Thank you. i am ready to move on, and forgive them. prefereably after You throw the brick, but it is not me-akeiv. really. it's OK. I don't even need to know if the brick was thrown. i am giving it over to You. Amen, Kein Yehi Ratzon."

hmm... i kinda feel better now. kinda.


Have a GREAT NIGHT everyone, and remember -HASHEM LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!

CCCCCRRRRRAAAASSSHHHHHH!!!!!

Jerry: "what the...?"


There. Feel any better, amigo?