Hello Campers!! I hope I'm not being too forward when i say that it's great to be back.    ???

Pesach was VERY SPECIAL. Despite all the boundless opportunities for RID, B"H I didn't let my YH trick me too much, and we had a GREAT Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed. I was SOOOO pumped on Erev Pesach, I was excited to actually FEEL the Chairus! I spread my arms during Hallel, thanking the Eibishter for the FREEDOM from Lust that I have tasted, that He in his Goodness has led me to, thru GYE and the DC Call/12-Step program. And I daven I myself, and ALL of us, get to feel thet freedom EVERY DAY for the rest of our lives.

My chart says 115 days since i started my 90 day count, but in reality it's more days: I think it was Tues, Oct 20, 2009 that the last DC program started, and even tho i had to miss that first day, I know for sure i haven't acted out since then, and except for one day when I don't remember if I viewed porn or only bathing suits sites, I've been CLEAN since then. (that one day is why I didn't count 90 from Oct 20). But as I've been telling everyone else to do, that they should get chizuk from their TOTAL DAYS CLEAN and not just the consecutive days, I'm finally doing the same exercise:

Tuesday, Oct 20 - Monday, Dec 14 is 56 days, less one for the questionable behavior gives us 55 days to add to 115, which gives me a running total of 170 days!!

WOW!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE HAD THIS MANY SOBER DAYS!! I mean, compare that to my former life as the World's Biggest Pervert, whose been girl-watching since pre-pubescence, and acting out since the plumbing started working... 12.5 days more and I'll have a HALF A YEAR of SOBRIETY!!

I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, guys - I'm giving myself CHIZUK, building a healthy self-image. THIS IS THE REAL ME. The other guy is the faker. Next time the Menuval rears his ugly head, I'm gonna laugh at him. I'm gonna put on my best Asbury Park Strut, and my best Harlem accent, and say: "Wha'? Yu talkin' ta ME? Yu'all betta get outa ma face, befo I give you upside yo head."

Yeah. That sounds gooooooood...............    :D :D :D ;D

Steve wrote on 08 Apr 2010 19:07:


Sounds like you read the Torah thought in today's chizuk e-mail (#749)  :D

Keep up the good work and inspiration!

steve

im proud of you!!!!!!!!!!

gevaldiggggggggggggggg

keep on truckin!!!!!!!

b

guardureyes wrote on 08 Apr 2010 19:52:


Actually, Big G, I DIDN'T. But now that you mentioned it, I looked it over, and i am so proud that the author was mechaven to me!!!

Hey, when are you coming to Am Reikah? I'd love to host you, I have some matza left over that i'm trying to get RID of.....

I'm in BIG trouble....

The POLISH CLEANING LADY ANTIDEFAMATION LEAGUE is suing me over my lumpy, wart-ridden comments that Reb G sent into cyperspace today. They've been chasing me around town, an open pickling jar in one hand and the lid in the other.... i've tried to tell them it's too late, I'm already a Pickle, and that warts are nothing to be ashamed of, but they keep yelling things at me that end in ICZ that i don't understand!!

Everyone, along with counting the days, LET'S MAKE OUR DAYS COUNT!!!

keep feeling the Chayrus!! And have a GREAT SHABBOS!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D you made my morning

Just checkin in.

My uncle passed away motsoi shabbos.

He was an exceptionally warm, loving and giving man, sensitive and wise about life.

I have a lot of regrets that I wasn't as close with him in the last 20 years as I could have been.

Technical complications that i should have overcome for the sake of family.

I think the low self assuredness that came from the addiction is the culprit. The escapism of avoiding dealing with issues. had i faced my fears or problems head-on, our families would not have drifted apart, despite our differences in lifestyles.

Anyway, it feels better to blame it on fallout from the addiction than to face the fact that i was just stupid.

So sorry to hear about your loss. You are so lucky to have had such an uncle...I couldn't relate to mine. The lesson you brought out of the loss was important to me...a thing I have heard myself saying too often after such losses. So, coming from one stupid man to another, may Hashem help us take hold of the life He gives us today!

so to hear

may we share in simchos!!!

Hey Steve,
Sorry to hear about your loss. May you be comforted amongst the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Hashem oftentimes likes taking the good ones. He likes them close nearby.

I am not close with any of my uncles. I lost my father two years ago. I also regret not having been close to him. It was the most devastating thing in the world to me.

hi steve.

hi noya.

i was in the neighborhood.

hope you are both doing ok.

dov in israel

Hi guys. Battling a lot of RID bet. yest & 2day. gotta work more on EGO busting. BH that Hashem has been sending me lots of people to help me do just that, since He knows i can't do it myself...

Sent an old GYE buddy a hello after not hearing from him for a while. He wrote back that he's alive physically, but feels he's dead spiritually. I am copying my email to him here, because I think it has a lot to offer all of us. Especially me.

My Friend,

You're not spiritually dead, chas v'shalom. you're just hibernating.

Man, i wish i could come over to you right now and give you a bear hug to get your GYE juices flowing again. You're giving up on yourself? WHY?? Don't you remember how GOOD it felt when you were on top of your game? THOSE WERE YOUR REAL DAYS - the ones when you soared!! Those days, that feeling - they are easier to get back than you realize.

I want to share with you the last messages on today's DC call:

Point one: Whatever method or system we've been using on our own, up till now, has obviously not worked, or we wouldn't be here, dealing with lust and masturbation in our daily lives. SO WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT OUR OLD SYSTEM JUST DOESNT WORK. PERIOD. We need to try something NEW. We need to be WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE. And the change that is presented is to CONSCIOUSLY LET HASHEM INTO OUR DAILY LIVES - TO BECOME AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE AND INVOLVEMENT IN OUR LIVES.

Just by doing this alone, we have made the significant new step toward the solution THAT WORKS!

Point two: Someone then asked "We are all religious jews on this call. What are we missing as frum jews who daven and do mitzvos? What new awareness of Hashem could there be? Don't we already know about Him?"

DC's answer - Next Shemoneh Esrai, see if your mind wanders in the middle - to work, what you need to do later, etc. If it does, then that's the barometer to show one that he's only an actor on a stage - acting the part of a religious jew without the real feeling, connection and deveykus hashem. And the REASON we can not make the connection to Him is because our EGO is blocking it. "Edge G-d Out" is a true acronym for EGO. The more HUMBLE we become, the more we orient our lives to BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS, the smaller our EGOs get and the closer we can get to G-d.

Here's a proof i thought of: Who was the ONE person in history who you would say was the CLOSEST to Hashem? Moshe Rabbeinu, who spoke Peh Al Peh with Him. Now, who was the most HUMBLE person? Same one.

And the more humble and closer to Hashem we are, the less depression and inability to cope with life we will have, and therefore the more content we will be. And with contentment, we gain our freedom from the desire to think illicit thoughts, view porn and act out. We will have a life of true happiness and joy. GUARANTEED!!

My Friend, THAT'S what I want. I want that life of contentment. And BE"H i'm gonna get there. The steps are simple, but not easy. But i'm determined to keep working at it until i get there. i am only human, so although I don't want to, I'm expecting that someday i may slip too far and fall. BUT I"M NOT AFRAID OF THAT. Because the moments of weakness DON'T DEFINE ME. I AM THE GOOD GUY who's trying, it's the GOOD minutes, hours, and days that DEFINE ME, not the glitches. So if i fall one day, I'll have charata, do tshuva and try harder, BUT IT'S NOT GONNA DRAG ME DOWN, I'm gonna jump right back up and CONTINUE WHERE I LEFT OFF.

I don't look at it as STARTING OVER. I look at it as CONTINUING TO GROW from where I left off. I am NOT using this as an EXCUSE to act out, but as a way to feel GOOD about myself and not have ANXIETY in advance of whether i will act out one day or not. It takes away the "fear of flying."

Remember to please stay in touch. Where will you get chizuk from those who love and care about you if you stay in hiding? Don't be ashamed to post. NO ONE OF US WILL EVER JUDGE YOU.

Be well,

Steve.

Beautiful post, Steve. I'm sorry about your uncle.

Wow. A lot of good points. I need to hang out here more often!

I'm sorry things have been sad recently for you - I hope you see much simcha in the future!

From your heart right through to mine, thanks again, Steve.

ZD, thanks for sharing about your own loss and pain. It's nice to see so much good and joy in you nonetheless so often.