Steve,

I'm going through something similar - if I was my client, I'd fire me right now. But I know that if that does happen, a Load will be taken off my chest. Meanwhile, I still have an opportunity to do something with it. Income is from God. God provides for you how much you need when you need it. A person can make 100k one day, and lose 150k the next. There are no guarantees. Let Go and let God. Don't dwell on your failure. I've had a client pull a job, but then offer a different better option for me. It literally helped pull me out of a rut. You have a new project now. Work on it. God has already provided for you. Forget about all the issues with the other project. It will only drag you down. Dwelling on the past is a lack of emuna. Spend a few minutes right now talking to God. Tell him your problem. Tell him you will only succeed with his help. Tell YOURSELF you will only succeed with his help. Then go do it. With every step in the project, remind yourself that God is guiding your hand. He will make it easy and possible for you to succeed. You are only doing your hishtadlut. Because that is ALL we can do, because GOD is the one running the show.

Steve, I see this as a reason to rejoice, not get down. Their pulling the contract is a result of the diseased you; another testimony to the impossible life-style you were living and the failure of lust to bring us anything but despair and destruction. The pulling of this contract is another NAIL in the coffin of your old life. Another reason to thank Hashem and REJOICE in the fact that you are now on the path to a NEW YOU that will hopefully never again have these issues :-)

Hold on to G-d. Life is a roller-coaster, but G-d is your body harness. Stay strapped in and no matter what the roller-coaster does, you'll be safe. Scream at the top of your lungs if you have to, but enjoy the ride just the same! After all, you're strapped in tight. Put your complete trust in the designers of the ride. They made it safe. They made it for your benefit. And you'll come out with a smile :-)

To my new brother Steve:

I'll quote Duvie (as you fondly call him on the conferences): "Its progress not perfection". Steps 4 and 5 are not going to just change your attitude in life. It is going to take time and effort. We need to realize the progress we are making and very often need someone else to tell it to us because we can be down on ourselves for not doing a better job. It is amazing that you realize this. You have come into a situation where, just 24 hours ago, you would have had a completely different reaction. That in itself is amazing. Don't expect the best results right away because you will probably come back disappointed and we know what that leads to. We know that deep down, you really do believe that this is a test from Hashem. This is something that si no longer in your control (sound familiar??). So just surrender. Speak to Hashem. Realize that whatever your father does for you is for your own good. Things might not seem so good but dont listen to that voice in your head that says "I have a better plan". Just play your part in Gods play and He will lead you to your correct way. Dont argue with the director because he knows the whole script while you only know your lines.

Hope that helps and if not you know how to reach me.

-Yiddle

Wow, this Yiddle is GROWING a lot lately...

I read your email. my heart goes out to you. But there is a silver lining in the cloud. To succeed with recovery you need to be motivated. You also need to maintain that motivation long term. I just fell after an very long clean streak. In large part this was because I  became complacent.

So how does this pertain to you? To be motivated to recover you need to feel your life has become unmanageable. I think you would say this has happened. make a list of ten ways in which your life has become unmanageable. Explain each one well. This can be the basis on which you build your recovery.  This is a strong source of motivation both now and long term. You will only succeed to the degree you are motivated. you now know the cost of addiction. You know that if you don't get out of it's claws you WILL be DESTROYED. This will seem like nothing compared to what will happen. Look around on this site. You will hear about marriages destroyed, jobs lost, community respect lost. I am sure you heard about the tragedy that came to light in Monsey. Once someone is in the claws of addiction there is no way to escape and it only gets worse and worse. Would you rather be in your shoes or his shoes?

Remember this day well it will serve you well in the future.

Steve - You have been a source of inspiration to me.  Based on your detailed and inspiring posts I am determined to do DC's group the next time it starts.

Remember, everything comes from HKBH - the items we think are good and the items we think as not being good.  Please note, I said the items that we THINK are good or not good.  In reality we never really know whats is good or bad.  I am sure each and every one of us can think of things that have happened in the past that we thought were great and which did not end up being favorable in the long run. 

You will get through this.  HKBH chose this to happen to you at this point and at this time because he loves you.  I wish you hatzlacha and will be sure to be mispalel for your success in business as well.

SC

My Dearest Friends,

THANKYOU all for your love, concern, and gevaldige chizuk. Every single one of you (OK, the married ones, too) have helped me tremendously. I did not have the privacy to respond since I went home last night, but I got a few chances to sneak a peek, which was like a life raft. And now this morning I've had the time to read carefully thru and between everyone's lines to me. I thank HKB"H every second for taking me by the hand and placing me into this GYE community. We don't know what eachother look like, we don't even know eachother's names, yet our souls and hearts are connected across this great globe to hold eachother up. MI K'AMCHA YISROEL!!! MI K'KEHILLAS GYE!!!

loi-misyaeish wrote on 22 Dec 2009 21:26:


It's kinda funny how we all know this stuff, like I REALLY believe it, but my YH makes me forget it and all the other yesodos when I'm caught in the thicket. Thank you, and everyone else, for reminding me to apply them to myself. Gotta redirect all those "self-pity" synapses and relays in my brain to a new way of thinking.


YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT! In the last two days before the contract was pulled, I got at least a half dozen calls from a former client I never wanted to work for again, so I ignored his calls. Had I answered right away, i would have told him off for all the agmas nefesh he gave me in the past, and good-bye charlie. Looking at him with different glasses, and being more humbled by the last 20 hrs, allowed me to meet him this morning with an ayin yafeh. The item(s) he wants could potentially generate more $ than the one I lost, and I could not have accepted the job with the old one on my shoulders, but that's not the point. The REAL refuah was the preparation thru the DC Calls and the GYE perspective to be able to handle this test in a whole new way that would have been impossible "just 24 hours ago" (Thank you, Yiddle...).

So I'm OK now. Really. There's the "old me" dressed up like a little devil standing on my shoulder, pulling on ear lobe, trying to climb back into my head. I won't let him. I'll keep the ear wax in as long as possible. I know HKB"H has done this for my good. I don't feel the "relief" yet, but I daven I'll get there. I don't even know if it's right for me to take this other offer, I don't like to second guess HKB"H. I'm davening for guidance.

Hashem has shown me how he's holding my hand right now, thru his many sheluchim. And like anyone who wants to make sure an operation is a success, He only picks the BEST shliuchim, the ones he can trust, THE ONES HE LOVES. That's you guys. Plus my friend from shul named Michael. He met me on my way out of shul this morning, telling me "The BIG News!! My grand-daughter (his first) can roll-over!! Make 'Hurray!'" We had a good laugh, then I told him its not a davar pashut, and they shouldn't take that for granted. My youngest, now 12, had terrible reflux as an infant, and the only way she could sleep was siting up in her infant car seat for months. She ended up needing "early intervention" for physical therapy - without the ability to turn over, she did not develop certain muscular strength at critical junctures in her growth as a baby.

Then Michael spoke, and Hashem was putting His words into Michael's mouth just for me: "You're right. It reminds me that someone once asked me to do an excercize. He told me to count my blessings, EVERY SINGLE ONE of them, and put them down on paper. How many toes I have, how many feet, etc., down to everything little thing I was thankful for. When I was done, he told me to look over the list, and decide which ones I could do without, which ones I'd be willing to give up. 'But I NEED both my feet - they're MINE! I can't give them up?!' You really start to appreciate what you have and HKB"H's kindness to you, and how blessed you are when you do that."

Well, what could i say after that? I walked over to him, gave him a great big bear hug and a kiss on his cheek, and told him "THANKYOU, you don't believe it, but you just saved my life!"

We learn from here two things:

One, no matter how hard life hits us at times, it's all a blessing, and we are all blessed. Always.

Two, your friend Steve is a touchy-feely guy, and if you can't handle that, then you are blessed that you're anon. Cuz I want to do the same thing to SteveC, Holy Yid, Guard, Yiddle, ImTrying, BecomeHoly, loi-misyaeish, Kedusha, Bardichhev, and of course, Duvid Chaim and my (verbal) Chevra on the Calls.

forgot to mention that DC told me yesterday after my SOS signal, that the self-pity/victim mode is in reality a "taking", NOT A "GIVING" existance. It's the "It's ALL About Me" self-centeredness, the hurt ego, etc.

That's a big eye-oppenner to me.

SELF CENTEREDNESS is SELF DESTRUCTIVE.

I'm climbing up, into the sunlight.

It can't be all about me, cuz I was never in control. OK, Hashem, you've got my attention. Now what? Now BACK TO WORK!!

Wow Steve, I really hope guard posts all this in a chizuk letter. Powerful is an understatement!

Sorry I didnt see this latest crisis till its bH over - I guess I didnt deserve the zchus of trying to give chizuk, or Hashem would have brought me here sooner.




This belongs in the HUGS thread! Amazing hashgacha pratis.
Seems to me, that hashem is happy with you right now, sir;
not everyone is zoche to such clear intervention and coordenation  as He seems to pulling for you!
As always, Hashem has much more patience for us than we do for ourselves!
He sees the effort.
We note the accomplishment.

We have much to learn from our Tatty...

Thanx, Mom. You are sooooooooo cool! Ive always been so impressed by your special brand of chizuk that you give to everyone, especially the heilige Bnos Yisroels out there. And now I've too been blessed myself by your visit.

Day 10 is coming to a close, which is more than I can say about this rollercoaster ride. But, as Guard said. at least I know I've been strapped in well and the Designer worked out all the kinks, so the ride is safe.

New good things are happening: My youngest daughter erased some notes I had on my dry erase board before I copied them down, and I didn't get angry like I normally would have when hit with that "suddenly" surprise trick of the YH. And when she over-reacted to my realization, I still didn't get angry, but waited patiently until I could calm her down, pointing out that i didn't get angry. She was so relieved, I got a nice big bear hug! And my wife asked "Yeah, what's with you? (ie. that I didn't blow up)" I answered 'It's the new me!"

But looking back at that, even w/o the anger, I still could have PAUSED for 10 seconds and thought better about the words I would use to react to the news. I could have done better, I didn't need to rub it in with an extra scentence about how hard it would be to rebuild that info, that it meant making embarrasing phone calls. That's not her problem, it's mine, and the onas devorim level should have been eliminated. That's another level of the "It's All ABout Me" Syndrone that I have to watch out for. The world doesn't revolve around me, and doesn't need to hear my complaints, and especially my precious daugher. We all thought she was over-reacting to anger that wasn't there, when she was really just reacting stam to the onas devorim I inflicted on her.

But look at me - I'm growing - (it's good, I'm kinda "vertically challenged") - I'm seeing myself and my life and people thru those other glasses, and I'm becoming a calmer and more likable father. My kids are coming over to hug me out of the blue, just stam. That's a GREAT barometer!

I have to make a photo album of all these flashes of feeling like a success and not like a failure. So if I'm ever tempted to think negatively about myself as a father, a provider, a husband, etc, I'll have proof positive I'm not that way...

At the risk of falling into the ME & Geivah mode, maybe it WOULD be a good idea to write down, keep a journal of the positive things we do. We're told by experts to do that toward others, to only think about their positive traits, to train ourselves to be Dan L'kaf Zechus and to love them more, to be more forgiving toward others. Should we treat ourselves with any less of an eiyin yafeh? We must still be brutally honest with our shortcomings, but we don't have to beat ourselves up. "I'm doing the best that I can."

(PS - Rabbi Twersky recommends keeping a daily chesed journal, to ensure we will do at least one chesed per day).

I love this 12-Step Program. Yehi Ratzon we'll all succeed together in reaching the core of our onion, peeling away the layers of Lust, RID, and EGO, until we discover the sweet vidalia in the center, where we'll find joyfull relationships with others and true Diveikus Hashem.

OK, I like vidalias, but I'd still rather be a pickle.

AND NOW I CAN PROVE IT!!   Enjoy my new Avatar!

hi steve,
i'm here and everything is OK now.
habaletaher wanted to join our journey since he 8 days clean, more or less as us.

Dear steve,

I just read your previous thread about the lost contract and I'm so sorry to hear about it and I hope it will be the springboard for enormous positive growth. I too have a project that I could do, its not one that I will lose, but simply one that I might not get around to, and undoubtedly the many hours I spent in www.shmutzburg.com has held me back from that project one that would bring me both enormous sippuk and a healthy amount of $$$.

Either way, I see that you are working with One Life, and I see that I'm pretty close to you guys (I just got 8), so maybe we would join together to give each other chizzuk....

All the best,
Haba

Thanks for the warm words Steve.

When i think of your first post, and see the current ones, Im in awe at the amount of growth and internal change.
Thank you for letting us peek into the process in motion; I am personally really inspired.
Keep climbing that mountain!

7up

7 Up, thanx.

May I humbly suggest that you start planning NOW to join DC's calls next time. Don't be afraid - it'll be the best thing you could ever do for yourself. The program gets at the root, which is more about a better life, a life of serenity and closeness with HKB"H. It's a definite G-dsend, even if the daily grapple against shmutz is behind you. And it'll help protect you from falling in the future, C"V, when the going gets REALLY tough... hamaven yaven.

That's what I'm here for, that life, that future. And I can already see it, waving from the shore for me to come home...

I am so thrilled to have two more New Friends, OneLife and Haba. And we're going to travel this road together. And thanx for your understanding posts!!

OK, Day 11 for me started out slow. Woke up late cuz I let my YH convince me to read a novel before bed. In the end missed minyan, had to daven at home, so i missed leining too. But even tho I was late to work, I stopped by my Mom's house for the first time since the snow storm to see if she was dug out enough. I heard someone else had shoveled for her, and she never asked me to come, but i'm glad I checked. I spent a good hour clearing what had not been done properly before, and this way the sun can bake the driveway clear of ice by the end of the day.

So even tho' I missed minyan and my kavannah was't too good this time, I got to do a big chesed for Mom. Now I'm gonna work hard in the next few hours, as a chesed to my wife who wants to see the parnose progress already.

Hope everyone has a great, UP-BEAT DAY!!

OK, one more thing: Did you know there are great, physiological benefits to feeliing happy? The brain gets drunk on endomorfins, your heart rate goes down/gets steady, your blood pressure goes down, your metabolism levels out, etc. Well, I heard years ago of a scientific study that showed that if you merely SMILE, like this  ;D , you get those same good things happening to your body! Even if you are NOT feeling happy right now, just by FAKING it by "purring on a happy face" and SMILING, the brain is wired to react to that stimulus and those muscle movements and give you the same benefits as if you felt the warm & fuzzy feeling.

AMAZING!! It proves the Chazal (as if they need proof, but anyway...) that if you work on the outside, it'll have an effect on your inside! And from there, you'll already be closer to actually feeling happy.

So try it, do the smile at everyone you meet. My RY said in the name of a Gadol I forgot, that "a person's face is a reshus harabbim." Whatever you're feeling is not for everyone to see, and why should they suffer cuz you're having a hard day? SO SMILE!! It'll do us ALL a WORLD OF GOOD!!