Thanx, Noya, great advice as always.

It's great to hear you on the calls. Keep participating! it's the best way to get the most out of the calls. And work on finding those A&W moments - and share them - so we can all find out that we are each more connected to Hashem than we realize.

Now, back to work....FOCUS....

Keep up the good work my friend. 

רק רציתי לומר שלום

Thank you to our Awsome and Wonderous Creator and beloved Father in Heaven for giving me a friend like Steve.

Steve! Hashem doesn't remain a Baal Chov...Very soon much parnossoh and continued happiness will boomerang into your life for all of the kindness, wisdom and Ahavas Yisroel that you dish out.

HB - AMEN!! Kein Yehi Ratzon!! And may all of Klal Yisroel enjoy a sweet parnose, a Parnose Tova U'Nekiya, which helps us to all have Menuchas Hanefesh to learn Torah and to grow in Yiras Shomayim.

Haba - shalom to you, too! I hope my PM back to you is helpful.

I realized something profound today. There are no coincidences in life. I know, we knew that already. But there's a BIG diff between knowing in your head and REALLY EXPERIENCING it, really EMOTIONALLY knowing something. We all know the old joke about the guy on the roof that drowned in a flood, and complained in heaven that G-d didn't personally save him when he prayed, and G-d answered "What do you want from Me? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter...!"

I prayed and prayed for help, for a solution, for guidance to get out of drowning in Znus. I didn't even know it was called a Lust Addiction. I never would have imagined I fit the definition of a Sexaholic. My life was out of control, and i couldn't help myself, I didn't know where to turn. All I had left was tefillah, which was its own train wreck. But either I had ONE real good tefillah, or at least sincere remorse, cuz Hashem answered me. He answered me by sending me to GYE, and ESPECIALLY to Duvid Chaim's Group Call. Its NOT a coincidence that happened to come my way. IT'S THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS. It's what I have been waiting for all these years.

But how do i treat this answer? I must grab it like a lifeline. I should be paying attention, focussing on the mussar and chizuk messages and reading along, internalizing my feelings and asking questions, responding to points, sharing my thoughts and Awe & Wonder moments, and bask in the peace that there are others like me who understand and go through the same internal battles I do. Just knowing I'm not alone in this. That i'm NORMAL.

My YH knows he'll be finished if i succeed with this program, so he's gonna work OVERTIME to save his skin, and throw roadblocks at me every chance he gets. First it's the appointments that keep wanting to schedule themselves B'DAFKA at noon, the Call Hour. Then he'll entice me to look at my emails to g-chat on the side, to get distracted during the call so i only listen with half an ear. "I could always catch up on the reading later" i say to myself. But then the precious moments of inspiration are lost, I miss a critical comment or revelation by a shipmate or by the Captain, a personal interlude of camaraderie between the guys, and the YH jumps out and says "oh, too bad, what's the point if you cant catch everything, just give this up..."

But this is what i asked for, what i prayed for! I will NOT give up!! I will NOT lose my faith in the promise of recovery just cuz I'm not there yet! It took me YEARS to get to this point, I certainly can't expect myself to change overnight! I must be patient, and give myself the time it takes to grow and change through Duvid Chaim's careful guidance thru the 12 Steps.

It took me 52 years to get to this point. The program is at most 13 weeks long, 4 days a week, for one hour a day. THAT'S 52 HOURS!! One hour per year of my life! Now if someone told me he could guarantee me a solution to a major problem in my life for one hour a year, OF COURSE I would jump in and stick to it. And those 52 hours vs. my entire future, well, it's a great investment.

So I'm gonna be as careful as i can not to miss, to be there on time or call in as soon as possible each day, and once I'm on I'm gonna treat it like time in the Beis Medrash and turn off the cell phone and emails. How could i treat this Gift from HKB"H with a laze-faire casualness?

Plus, we have an amazing crew, I am in Awe and Wonder just listening to them, sharing and beginning to open up to each other. These are guys i can trust with my feelings and questions, with my soul. And i have so much to learn from all of them. I look forward to each hour with them so much!

Kol Tuv everybody, and KOT!!!

You took the words right out of my mouth...

:D Hold yourself back from that corny comment you want to make...A la' Ritva's Diet

Steeeev?? Nuuuu??

Fantastically said - but i think it's also important to recognize just how far you HAVE gotten!

And I also hope you enjoy being here with us peons who are not in on DC's calls...

Foist, there's no peons. Every Single Person here (OK, even the Married ones  ) is greater than any Malach.

Second, of course I enjoy spending time with any GYE'er. Just need more TIME...

Look, to be blunt, my heart pains me for everyone here that's living through the Clean/Fall/Clean again/Fall again repetitive cycle over and over again. I've been there, and I know the pain, the depression, the guilt/shame, the brave response, the hope, the dream, the build up of a clean streak, the agony of defeat. The misery, the suicidal feelings, the imploring to Hashem from the depths of despair, the SOMETHING that gives you strength to try again. The crying out in desperation of IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO BREAK THE INEVITABLE CYCLE?!

There are different systems of getting into recovery out there, different strokes for different folks, and no one system works for everybody. BUT YOU"VE GOT TO TRY SOMETHING!! You can't just keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results. That's foolish, to call a spade a spade. The 90 days thingy is GREAT, but how will you get there? If you're finding the urge at Day 85 is as strong as the urge at Day 3, and you fall, then WHY are those accumulated 85 Days not having an effect on you to lessen the urge? There's no MAGIC in 90 that can't be felt at 85 to some degree if that system is working. IF IT ISN"T, then obviously whatever you're doing (while I do not mean to belittle it) may not be ENOUGH for you. Obviously the way you are living each day needs a different approach while you build your 90 days.

My feelings are that everyone of us addicts, for whom the Forum and the handbooks and the chizuk and the GYE inspiration just isn't holding us, needs to try an additional, new approach. Since the 12 Step program works for me and so many others, that's all I can recommend, it's all I know. I feel deep down it's  the REAL SOLUTION for everyone. TRY IT. But REALLY work at it, give it your best shot. If it doesn't "Fit Your Schnit", then try either a different sponsor or another system. BUT YOU"VE GOT TO TRY!!! And the Freedom from Lust that is promised WILL BE YOURS ONE DAY.

Imagine that kind of a life!! A life when the Yetzer Hara for Znus and Lust and looking at women and fantasizing and acting out is BELOW YOUR BECHIRA POINT - not even on the radar of your FREE CHOICE ph range, like the urge to eat treif or to be mechalel shabbos or to steal from the pushkah. A life where when the thought passes over to your mind of the availability of that sin, you can easily turn away and say "not for me anymore, that's below my concerns right now." THAT'S FREEDOM. The FREEDOM from Lust means we've WON BACK our FREEDOM OF CHOICE. The YH is still there, we remain human, we're still men to our dying day, but the urge has no power over us. We are FREE to chose to walk away from the urge by not giving it a second look, not cause we are fearful of falling, but because we know it's poison like arsenic.

So I cry out to all my GYE chevra that are on the rollercoaster and WANT TO GET OFF, please please please, you owe it to yourself to TRY SOMETHING NEW, a program that promises recovery. Do your best with whatever you pick. Give it your all. Even tho you know in the back of your mind that if this doesn't work you'll try another system, you MUST try it out as if it's the ONLY system. You don't go into a marriage with the thought that you can always back out of it in the future. Such thoughts ruin your full commitment. "Sam Ting" here.

It's still the perfect time to join Duvid Chaim's Anonymous SA Group Conference Call.

And it's also the perfect time for me to say G'nite to all my GYE chevra. May HKB"H fulfill all your desires for Purity and Holiness, and may we all find peace and joy as we grow closer to Hashem and to each other.

Now it's time to ay good morning!

Today I am determined to FOCUS on my goals and be as productive as possible. I want that happy feeling I used to have at the end of a successful work day. The Joie de Vivre of accomplishment is my goal today.

Bye for now!!

Hey Steve!
Great to see your back.
Missed you.

Also glad to see you're finding balance at work. We have faith in you.

I had to tell you that you just posted an amazing, amazing post!

Also... I want this!!!!:
Steve wrote on 03 Mar 2010 04:49:

Momo,

I Love You.

Do You REALLY TRULY want freedom? Are you sick of the repetitive cycle enough to FACE IT'S CAUSES?

I'm not pressuring, cuz everybody needs to begin whichever system they join thru their own resolve, but I'm asking, not pushing:

What is really stopping you from joining DC's group? If you really want it, the 7 hour time diff can be overcome, we've already got several chaveirim on the call from Israel. Had you tried the program before but felt unsuccessful? If so, WHY? PM me or email me if you want to discuss it privately.

You know, strategists in war know that if you want to defeat the enemy, you must give them a narrow avenue of escape to retreat. If you surround them completely, they HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO SURVIVE. They will fight with such determination they could win against overwhelming odds. Sometimes to survive and win, WE have to fight as if there is no other way out, no matter how hard it gets. Cross the bridge into enemy territory, then BURN THAT BRIDGE behind you, sink the life rafts, and realize that there is nowhere to go but forward.

If we give ourselves an avenue of escape, "I can always quit", then our resolve and morale might not be strong enough to get us through the rapids into the calmer waters beyond.

You, Momo, like all of us (and I feel like saying "MORE than any of us" because of all the angst you've been thru on your thread), DESERVE to live a life in Recovery. I feel for you SOOOOO much!! What is stopping you from jumping? You don't see the net? I just read an article where a woman wrote that she and her husband realized over time and many tests that sometimes Hashem waits for one to jump BEFORE He puts out the safety net.

But He ALWAYS puts it out.

KUTGW!!!

i really enjoyed reading what you had to say in the chizuk email today (#723). keep it up, your almost at 90!