To quote the holt bardichever: She may be a problem but shes not your problem. Maskim but it doesnt change the facts. Ok ok im leaving it. Good Voch.

Gut voch steve

No pizza I'm snowed in

bardichev

Gut Voch.

I am not going to comment on the discussion here because it is not productive. Focus on giving and have things you find interesting to think about. Guard yourself from trouble and look for fulfillment in your life. If you want to scream about Harry(you where not here then, Thank G-d) do it briefly and move on. Work on yourself. You will come to love it. Love being sober enjoy it and then you wont want to give it up.

It doesn't change the facts, but it changes the attitude, and that's what REALLY counts.

HI everyone!! Day 8 is here, and it's been good so far!

Shabbos and Sunday were bigtime snow days, as everyone knows, spent a lot of time digging out 2-2.5 ft. of the pure white stuff. Stuck at home without much computer privacy so i couldn't post or check the forum, and toady I had my 2 hr. step 5 call with DC. I must say I have to absorb it all, it certainly has the potential to change my life for the better if i could just be less anxious and "jump" more, i guess...

I also see that a lot of the names that were on the call in earlier weeks are either no longer calling in, or just not anouncing themselves. It apparently is expected that over time people drop out, as the demands of the program get tougher to face, or as time contraints vie for priority. To any of them that see this, all I can say is that I miss you guys. For me, it was exciting knowing there were so many people in the trenches with me, it gave me great chizuk. But also, I worry for you that without succeeding in the 12-step program, you'll be facing the same repetitive challenges of life and react to them eventually the same way - the seemingly endless cycle of "falling", "starting to rise" and "falling" again. The self-loathing, the self pity, the depression, the degraded quality of life, the lost seconds, minutes, hours of profound joy and meaning that could be yours, that I hope and pray will be mine if I succeed.

I know I can not afford to quit. I know i can not fool myself to believe I can do this on my own, or just by continuing in the Blue Book privately without a group, without a sponsor. I want the new life the program promises, so bad I can taste it. I daven that anyone who feels it's tough for them now, please think about coming back again now, later, with another sponsor, SOMETHING. The forum chizuk is wonderful, and derachecha darCHEI noam, there are many paths. But why try to blaze a new trail to avoid the hills, when there is a nice clear path left by those who have gone before, albeit filled with tough inclines?

DC says we are beginning week 10, and it's supposed to be a 13 week program, so we've come this far together, and we're almost there. What is "there"? I don't know yet, I didn't get there! But i have a feeling "there" is a point where I have been given all the tools I need to succeed, and have been shown how to use them, and maybe have had some practice sessions with these tools. Then it is up to me, to use these tools wisely and internalize them thru visualization and practice. I understand I will need to review a lot, even join in other calls as a "veteran" to gaim more chizuk for myself, and maybe contribute chizuk to others. Maybe DC can make a second level "shiur" for us veterans of Call level 1.

Look, all I know is that it took me 52 years to get to here, today. There's a lot of ingrained programing that I'll have to undo and reprogram, new responses to life, new ways to look at things. It's gonna take a long time. I can't possibly be a "shalem" by the end of week 13. But every success will breed more, mitzvah goreress mitzvah, and ulai I will become who I was meant to be.

Oh, look at me, rambling again.

According to the rules, I should have been a Super Villain because I monolgue so much...

Until tomorrow,

Steve.

Holy steve

I was trying to find you a better pickle

Until then

Tamshich Trucking!

I have a good pickle in the works. Hold on. It just needs a few more days in the jar.

Day 9 started out with a real heart-to-heart talk, a 3-way conversation between me, Hashem, and me. Sat on the edge of my bed for an hour from 6:30-7:30am, going over my Step 4 Resentment List in my head (225 entries - am I meshugah or WHAT?) and trying to look at each person and episode with "new glasses", the opposites of the previous pairs of lenses I'd been using.

THAT was a real EYE OPENNER - every punn intended... - and I discovered some uncomfortable truths about myself. I always prided myself on not being selfish, but now I see many times when I was very selfish, not being honest with past and present relationships cuz I wasn't capable of being really honest with myself.

The 9th step is gonna be difficult to do in some circumstances. But if it will free me from lust, I'm going thru with it. I can see how it works before doing it, but that doesn't make it easier. It takes bravery and a lot of emunah and bitachon, cuz when you humble yourself you become more vulnerable, even tho I'll have HKB"H on my side. But, at the same time, it makes you MORE HUMAN, MORE ALIVE than before the humility. It's NOT a weakness, it's NOT about letting others walk all over you  - NO!!! that's not what this is. It's an EMPOWERING, LIFE AFFIRMING step. The resentments, and the people I resented, those memories - THEY WILL NOT OWN ME ANYMORE!! I WILL OWN THEM, and then I will be free.

OK, Pep Talk is over. Now I gotta do it. I'll let you know if the doing meets or exceeds the expectations, so stay tuned.

BTW, there is STILL a part of me that wants VINDICATION! (sneer-snicker-twirl the handlebar mustache and leer - "nya ha haaaa!") I have been fantacizing about writing down the "9th Step Amends Script," tying it to a brick, and throwing thru the front window of the law office of the 2 brothers that were my personal tormentors when I was 5,6,7 years old. Even tho my new glasses were showing me how to forgive them and move on, I kinda wish I had done the revenge thingy first...

OK, Bards, Keep On Skidding!

Steve,

This thread is wonderful!

OK, my friends, here's my first big test, and I don't know how I can make it. I'm not talking falling into lust right now, just into depression and self pity.

I'm almost crying as I'm reaching out to y'all. I know i'm a newcommer, and older than most of you who don't drink 7 Up, but please be there for me as you have been there for eachother!

I just got a phone call from a client who is pulling a contract because I had never finished the project. They're an amazing frum company, that has been exceedingly patient with me (my contract called for delivery in Dec. of '08) B"H they are not asking back any of their previous payments, they can use the work I've done till now, just hire someone else to complete it. But it will not be my project anymore. It's a loss of over $4k that I needed, since I'd been laid off since April of '08. So how to tell my wife is another story.

Many are my excuses for the delay, which has been over 1.5 years long, and most of them are outside forces and crisis like illness in the famiily and taking care of parents, that interrupted my work flow. But i cannot pretend that I am not to blame. There were avail to me 1000 times the hours needed to finish this, but instead of facing the work, I drowned myself in lust and internet viewing, adding to the endless cycle of self depreciation that put me into this over-a-year-long creative funk. The addiction caused me to lose my belief in myself and my ability, and I fell headfirst into the "overwhelming fear of personal failure" that crippled my yishuv haddaas, which is critical to my work.

There was an award-winning CG animated short film (15 min) callled "Ryan" that puts into visual context this "overwhelming fear of personal failure" that can swallow a person up whole. I have been struggling against that, and have started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel thru the 12 Step program, which is teaching me to rely on Hashem.

It is a real devastation to me to lose this job, it's like a stamp of approval on the "personal failure" label. That's how my old programming wants me to see it.

I'm trying hard to look at this developent thru new glasses, maybe it's Hashem's way of helping me let go of the overwhelming weight on my shoulders, where I wanted to make ammends with this project, now instead just drop it and move on. I need chizuk to beleive this, and to walk away with my head held high, and not feel like a failure. And in the future, when I open a catalogue and see this project that another person finished, it will hurt so much - I've had that experience several times in the last year, seen beautiful work that I would have loved to do slip thru my fingers cuz my hands were tied up. I'll need a lot of visualization in advance to get over that one.

Now I am in the beginning of a similar project which is almost 2 weeks behind schedule, and if I fall into depression I'll breach that contract as well, and have NO income at all. i've got to pull thru this!!!!

ANA HASHEM, HOSHIYAH NA!!! ANA HASHEM, HATZLICHA NA!! Hashem, My G-d, please HELP me!

steve steve!!!

dont fall into nebechil mode

dont do that!!!

nebichl mode is the greatest form of self-somertication whatever it is is

no good

steve

you will not turn your life around in the blink of an eye

one day

one hour at a time!!!!

send me a pm

going to mincha early might help. Daven for me I get some inspiration. please

Here for you Steve!

I was always told 'hashem prepares the refuah before the makka' just watch out for it. AL TISYAESH STEVE! I'm behind u all the way!

Steve dont forget your a pickle!!!! And i love pickles. So if i can be of any help send me a cucumber i mean a call out.