Day #120.

I struggled for a long time with the temptation of viewing pornography and masturbating. When I was 12 or so, I masturbated for the first time. I didn't think it was wrong at the time. Pornography, on the other hand, which I probably discovered not too long after, always felt like entering a dark place. I didn't have my own machine, so I would look at pornography on the family computer and figure out how to hide it from my parents (late at night, when no one was home, etc.).

At 18, I became Orthodox. I was so excited to fulfill every tenet of Orthodox Judaism. At that time, I did have my own laptop. Pornography and masturbation were, what seemed like, the only areas of Jewish law that I could not observe. I couldn't control myself. I felt bad. I felt out of control. I felt like I was letting G-d down and this was a 3-5 times a week occurrence. I would often have a very uplifting Shabbos experience and then go home, watch pornography and masturbate. I felt like I ruined whatever spiritual gains I had received from the Shabbos.

I had the privilege of going to yeshiva. In my entire time in yeshiva as a bochur, I masturbated once without pornography. That was very early on in my tenure. I felt safe at yeshiva. I was occupied. There were people around. I didn't have any devices that had Internet access.

Bein hazmanim, however, was another story. I would return home and try and try to set myself up for success. I would plan out a learning schedule and make some sort of resolution to not touch the devices of my family members. To no avail. I never went a bein hazmanim without looking at pornography and masturbating. I felt so terrible.

After my wedding, I thought, pornography and masturbation are a thing of the past... Yeah... I think I lasted for almost a year and a half. I certainly wasn't counting because I thought that the issue was no longer relevant for me. I began looking at pornography and masturbating around the time of the birth of my first child. I would try to stop and maybe be successful for a week or two, but I don't think I ever made it more than two weeks. I felt terrible. I felt so ashamed of myself... And my wife never found out. She caught me once, but I was able to cover myself (literally and figuratively) and lie my way out of it.

In Jan 2020, I finally decided to join GYE. That was eight years into my marriage. As you can see from my current streak, I have not experienced 100% success since joining, but I am at 647 cumulative clean days. Since I started at the end of January, that's a little less than a 90% success rate averaged over time since I started GYE. That's unbelievable! I would've probably looked at pornography and masturbated 3-4 times a week for the last two years if not for engaging with this GYE community.

To my holy brothers who are reading this post and who don't think that it is possible to stop looking at pornography and masturbating, please think again. I was there! I didn't think it possible. I didn't know how. I tried to set up something discreetly with a friend, but I was too ashamed to really share my problem. Participating with GYE has been my solution. I have shared my story on this thread, I have read other community members' struggles and successes, I have connected with an accountability partner (Yasherkoach @Hashem Help Me), and I have chipped away at the shame that was preventing me from getting out of the rut that I had been in for far too long. It is possible! You can do it too!

Day #150.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 06 Feb 2020 03:18:

There was a Yid called Reb Chaim Dovid "Doctor". He was a big baal-teshuva.

If one reads history of the Austrian Empire, approximately 180-200 years ago, there was a big doctor of the army, he wrote prescriptions, they still have his prescriptions.

He became a baal-teshuva. Reb Dovid Lelover brought him close in teshuva.

At the end of his days, the holy Tiferes Shlomo (Rabbi Shlomo Rabinovich of Radomsk) went to pay him a sick visit.

The Tiferes Shlomo was standing by his bed, and Reb Chaim Dovid was sighing.

The Tiferes Shlomo wanted to comfort him: "Your earlier (pre-teshuva) years fall away," thinking the patient was sighing on the days he did sins and wasn't a frum Yid, employing language used by a nazirite to comfort him.

(The patient) gave a jump up in bed and said, "I don't give away one sin... because the sins became merits."

Day #150.