#50.

What an incredible milestone!

Day #55.

Day #60.

60=2 months,
Incredible!

Day #70.

Beautiful!!

Day #73.
Cumulative Clean Days: 600

Day #85.

Day #90.

A few points from this 90-day journey:
1. I did this 90-day journey with three unfiltered company devices. It's possible (although I highly recommend and encourage filtering software on all personal devices!!!). I arranged an accountability partner, GYE's own HHM, and communicated with him regularly through texts and a phone call or two. Thank you, HHM. 

2. Refraining from watching pornography and masturbating, in my experience, is not satisfying. In other words, I don't feel like I am accomplishing anything by not doing something. The 90-day counter helps that a little bit because I can see my progress, but not fully. I try my best to be productive and to do things that make me feel like I am accomplishing good in this world. Being satisfied and fulfilled goes a long way in this and other struggles. I don't think, in this 90-day period, I ever had an urge to masturbate or look at pornography when I was focused and involved in a productive activity.

3. I didn't graduate. I didn't kill the yetzer hara. My desire for sexual gratification has not changed. And that is perfectly okay and normal. That also means that the controls I set up for the 90 days are not going away. I want to stay away from pornography and masturbation for many reasons, religious, personal, and otherwise. I am not going to let my guard down.

4. The slips and falls that I have had since joining GYE are nothing compared to what I was like before joining GYE (617 cumulative clean days since Jan 2020 vs. 3-4 times a week for the better part of 15 years). Being part of an online anonymous community has made a difference for me. It didn't guarantee that I was 100% cured of all problems in one day. For me, it was and is a process, but I am experiencing success. 

5. I've written about this before, but I'll write it again. What GYE did for me was helped me to chip away at the shame that I was carrying. I felt that there was something wrong with me. How could this rabbi (yes, rabbi) and
ben Torah keep indulging in this sinful and dark behavior? I don't feel that way anymore. I am a great person. A tzaddik. I also have my shortcomings. You know what that makes me? Like everyone else in the world. This issue of pornography and masturbation is a slight imperfection in my whole self. I sized the issue down tremendously and was able to start making real progress.

Thank you to all the GYE users who have helped and supported me throughout these last two years. I will continue to post updates on my end and I will try to pop in and respond and engage with other users on their threads too.

Wishing hatzlacha to all of you reading this on your journeys both regarding these issues and the rest of your lives!

Mazel Tov tzaddik. Now start helping others.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 12 Dec 2021 01:55:

Well said! Great post - thank you! 

In terms of refraining not being satisfying, I think I know what you mean. There isn't a tangible pleasure. For me, when I'm tempted to act out or look for or at something, I compare my current life with what it was before I joined GYE. There's no comparison! I'm not constantly being pulled by a riptide through the mud, I'm more present for my wife and kids, I have more serenity, not loaded with guilt, and much more. I don't know if it's that way for everyone, but that is satisfying for me.

100 Days.

Mazel Tov!!

Day #120.

I struggled for a long time with the temptation of viewing pornography and masturbating. When I was 12 or so, I masturbated for the first time. I didn't think it was wrong at the time. Pornography, on the other hand, which I probably discovered not too long after, always felt like entering a dark place. I didn't have my own machine, so I would look at pornography on the family computer and figure out how to hide it from my parents (late at night, when no one was home, etc.).

At 18, I became Orthodox. I was so excited to fulfill every tenet of Orthodox Judaism. At that time, I did have my own laptop. Pornography and masturbation were, what seemed like, the only areas of Jewish law that I could not observe. I couldn't control myself. I felt bad. I felt out of control. I felt like I was letting G-d down and this was a 3-5 times a week occurrence. I would often have a very uplifting Shabbos experience and then go home, watch pornography and masturbate. I felt like I ruined whatever spiritual gains I had received from the Shabbos.

I had the privilege of going to yeshiva. In my entire time in yeshiva as a bochur, I masturbated once without pornography. That was very early on in my tenure. I felt safe at yeshiva. I was occupied. There were people around. I didn't have any devices that had Internet access.

Bein hazmanim, however, was another story. I would return home and try and try to set myself up for success. I would plan out a learning schedule and make some sort of resolution to not touch the devices of my family members. To no avail. I never went a bein hazmanim without looking at pornography and masturbating. I felt so terrible.

After my wedding, I thought, pornography and masturbation are a thing of the past... Yeah... I think I lasted for almost a year and a half. I certainly wasn't counting because I thought that the issue was no longer relevant for me. I began looking at pornography and masturbating around the time of the birth of my first child. I would try to stop and maybe be successful for a week or two, but I don't think I ever made it more than two weeks. I felt terrible. I felt so ashamed of myself... And my wife never found out. She caught me once, but I was able to cover myself (literally and figuratively) and lie my way out of it.

In Jan 2020, I finally decided to join GYE. That was eight years into my marriage. As you can see from my current streak, I have not experienced 100% success since joining, but I am at 647 cumulative clean days. Since I started at the end of January, that's a little less than a 90% success rate averaged over time since I started GYE. That's unbelievable! I would've probably looked at pornography and masturbated 3-4 times a week for the last two years if not for engaging with this GYE community.

To my holy brothers who are reading this post and who don't think that it is possible to stop looking at pornography and masturbating, please think again. I was there! I didn't think it possible. I didn't know how. I tried to set up something discreetly with a friend, but I was too ashamed to really share my problem. Participating with GYE has been my solution. I have shared my story on this thread, I have read other community members' struggles and successes, I have connected with an accountability partner (Yasherkoach @Hashem Help Me), and I have chipped away at the shame that was preventing me from getting out of the rut that I had been in for far too long. It is possible! You can do it too!