Firstly before i write anything I just wanted to mention I am so inspired by your continued efforts. May Hashem give you Koach to be successful and for us all to break free from this incredible challenge. The Yetzer Hara's greatest ploy is to tell us we are "lost" and its all "gone" and there is "no hope". Seeing how you are persisting in your quest for Kedusha is so special and gives me strength too. May Hashem grant you only Hatzlacha and Bracha and may you obtain the Kedusha you so deserve!
I just want to note down some things that have helped me I wonder if they will be beneficial to you.
When i look back and analyse when have i remained strong I think there are two main components..
1. distance from the bad stuff...
I removed as much as possible any easy possibility of accessing inappropriate material. For example i don't have the password to turn on the home computer. I also don't have the admin password on it and i have a standard user account. WebChaver and an internet filter are installed as well. There are multiple challenges though still working on.. My kids like netflix (Paw patrol!!!) - so being a programmer i wrote a program which my wife can run as the admin account (using the password i don't have) and it opens a browser that allows access to netflix (this is not filtered by our filter to allow this). This browser automatically closes in 45 minutes. I also have both a reporting tool Webchaver and a filter. I cannot stress how much it has helped to know that what i do is being reported (to my wife) - only installed this recently.. why oh why didn't i do it earlier!! You need both in order to have a chance.. 1 on its own is not enough. I don't have a smart phone either to be honest i am afraid of getting one i do not have the control to use it properly so i don't have it. Each person knows themself so i can't comment for anyone else. But in order to give myself a genuine chance at this i knew i needed to remove anything from the house that could lead to inappropriate material. Without removing the temptation its almost impossible to move forward. Every time i fall i try make sure the cause is removed so it can't happen again. Recently this was an old iphone of my wifes i found lying around the house.. BH i threw away the charger it has one of the old chargers and we only had one in the house.. I actually still need to remove the phone i might take it to my inlaws and leave it there (with my wifes permission
)
The bottom line I learnt was is if you have an unfiltered and unreported device in your house you are doing yourself a disservice. I didn't realise this for a long period of time and I wish i had taken the steps I have done now many years earlier. You need both a filter and a reporting tool to have a chance. one on its own is not enough. Without that it really is Toivel V'Sheretz Byado. its as simple as that. I don't know if you have removed the unfiltered devices but one thing i know for sure is that He who made you will not let you lose out in any way if you choose to go down this route. On the contrary it will be the greatest thing you do. That fire that burns uncontrollably inside often for me is triggered by knowing there is a possibility of watching/acting out. Removing that has really helped me. Does this mean it won't happen again, of course not but it helps!
The second thing that helped me is the positive aspects - there is so much out there to help. GYE are amazing as are Shiurim from Rav Moshe Weinberger (Chaburas Yosef Hatzadik) I often go running listening to these.. Also celebrate the days you are clean.. I sometimes say to myself.. Imagine if i wasn't clean now.. how painful would this day be.. instead i can really enjoy it.. I write a small Cheshbon each night where i often note how many days and try talk to Hashem a little through my writing. I ask Him to look after me and my family and think through where i could have done better and note it down. Recently this has been showing more empathy and love to my family. Something I find very strongly related to Kedusha. When i am strong with Kedusha this is strong too!
Wishing you much Hatzlacha! I hope to take Chizuk also from what i am writing here. I am BH on the way back to 90 days am at day 27 at the moment.. I am so nervous for once Yom Tov is over but i am taking day by day and PG with Hashem's help i will get there. I have been able to go longer periods in the past and then i fall back.. a similar story from reading your posts am sure you can relate too.. But Chas V'shalom for one second will i give up. This is our challenge and there is nothing to be ashamed about. Quite the contrary we are Hashem's army and fighting the battle on the front line. There is no way he will not give us the tools we need to win. This is probably the final and most important component that i use - Daven, Daven and Daven some more. Hashem will listen and He will help.
Have a wonderful Chag
