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I hope Ill permanently break free this time
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 1102 Views

I hope Ill permanently break free this time 12 Aug 2019 19:38 #342810

  • Freedom12121
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Hi
 I've been viewing pornography since i was about 10 years old. I grew up in a traditional Jewish home that wasn't fully observant but attended a modern orthodox school. I was often very intrigued by the Torah Classes, and was always very spiritual. My family had no Idea about the negative effects of porn or that it was considered such a sin in the Torah, and although I doubt they were aware of my constant porn viewing they assumed viewing porn is a natural part of growing up. Now I'm in my mid 20's I've become religious 3 Years ago and I've been working on not watching porn or masturbating for the past 3 years. I've had some 2 week and 20-30 day streaks my longest streak was 100 days. Lately I've been acting out pretty frequently, and I want to finally stop for good and never go back to this. I hope that logging my daily experiences will help me and I've never posted on the forum before so i hope in helps. In 18 days I'll start attending a Yeshiva and college in Israel. I hope to be completely clean until then and also after I start the Yeshiva of course. I think something that is very challenging for me is that I am surrounded by the secular lifestyle and hopefully the Yeshiva will help with that. 

I've been clean since this morning and I've been doing a relatively good job at not lusting after women today in the Street. If any of the members have a good battle plan they can share with me I will greatly appreciate it.   

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 12 Aug 2019 20:58 #342812

  • Dave M
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Welcome to the GYE family.  Have you read through the GYE handbook yet for some good tools and perspectives on these challenges?

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 12 Aug 2019 22:58 #342818

  • ColinColin
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Welcome Freedom 1212.

This is my battle plan.
It has kept me clean for 218 days thank Hashem.
But I do get "wobbles"....tonight I had some wobbles.
So never get complacent.


Battle Plan:


When an urge comes, break down things into 5 minute blocks.
Say to yourself, I will do an activity for the next 5 minutes to take my mind off the urge.

But the key is to see the urge for what it is, an urge...external to you.
But triggered by your genuine emotions.

So long term you need to live a life that nourishes you in a healthy way.

That is about fulfilment from positive activities and a realistic approach.

But when the urge strikes, you do need a tactical plan.

Try walking, reading, calling a friend etc.

Or mindfulness.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior
Last Edit: 12 Aug 2019 22:59 by ColinColin.

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 13 Aug 2019 03:02 #342820

  • gyehelp2017
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Freedom12121 wrote on 12 Aug 2019 19:38:
Hi
 I've been viewing pornography since i was about 10 years old. I grew up in a traditional Jewish home that wasn't fully observant but attended a modern orthodox school. I was often very intrigued by the Torah Classes, and was always very spiritual. My family had no Idea about the negative effects of porn or that it was considered such a sin in the Torah, and although I doubt they were aware of my constant porn viewing they assumed viewing porn is a natural part of growing up. Now I'm in my mid 20's I've become religious 3 Years ago and I've been working on not watching porn or masturbating for the past 3 years. I've had some 2 week and 20-30 day streaks my longest streak was 100 days. Lately I've been acting out pretty frequently, and I want to finally stop for good and never go back to this. I hope that logging my daily experiences will help me and I've never posted on the forum before so i hope in helps. In 18 days I'll start attending a Yeshiva and college in Israel. I hope to be completely clean until then and also after I start the Yeshiva of course. I think something that is very challenging for me is that I am surrounded by the secular lifestyle and hopefully the Yeshiva will help with that. 

I've been clean since this morning and I've been doing a relatively good job at not lusting after women today in the Street. If any of the members have a good battle plan they can share with me I will greatly appreciate it.   

Hi Freedom12121,
​Its a pleasure to see your sincerity, I wish you lots of Hatzluch on your joining and jumping into our great community here at GYE. Its a great place to be for people with these struggles, so that we can encourage each other in times of need. Keep on posting and stay in touch!
Btw, everyone around here has their own formula, so try to see what works best for you. Take advice from others that have gone through this and succeeded and see what works best.
All the best!!!

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 13 Aug 2019 20:03 #342833

  • Freedom12121
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1 Day Clean!! 

It's been tough but I made it so far. I'm constantly having sexual images that i have to fight. I just try my best to listen to shiurim about shmirat habrit and think torah thoughts last night I had some pretty strong urges, but I went a shiur and it helped me a lot. I hope to continue staying clean and I believe I can. But these urges are so strong sometimes. Beezrat Hashem I'll pull through. Thanks for the advice and encouragement! It really helps 

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 14 Aug 2019 03:48 #342844

  • gyehelp2017
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Freedom12121 wrote on 13 Aug 2019 20:03:
1 Day Clean!! 

It's been tough but I made it so far. I'm constantly having sexual images that i have to fight. I just try my best to listen to shiurim about shmirat habrit and think torah thoughts last night I had some pretty strong urges, but I went a shiur and it helped me a lot. I hope to continue staying clean and I believe I can. But these urges are so strong sometimes. Beezrat Hashem I'll pull through. Thanks for the advice and encouragement! It really helps 

Keep it up!! great job for today. For starters it might be hard, and that's normal.
Don't forget, take it 1 day / 1 hour / even five min. at a time. As ColinColin says "When an urge comes, break down things into 5 minute blocks.
Say to yourself, I will do an activity for the next 5 minutes to take my mind off the urge".
Keep on posting and let us know how you are doing, you inspire us all.
Hatzlucha raba!!!!!!

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 14 Aug 2019 18:21 #342860

  • Freedom12121
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2 Days clean! 

I feel the urges are lowering a little but there still there at times I'm trying my best to accept that Hashem is here right now even if I can't see him like I can see a human so I shouldn't  view any shmutz because If i wouldn't do it if a person was looking over my shoulder i shouldn't do it now. When going on public transportation I'm listening to shiurim on shmirat habrit and that helps from looking at the many immodestly dressed women. Sometimes it feel like I haven't done this for eternity but its just 2 days. However if G-d forbid I do it the good feeling will last for at most one minute and I will feel completely disgusted in myself. As time goes on hopefully i will develop resilience and that will allow me to be resilient in other aspects of life too.

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 15 Aug 2019 20:20 #342881

  • Freedom12121
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3 Days Clean!
I'm feeling better than yesterday with the urges. But still had a few thoughts for a short period of time. And I'm struggling a little with not looking when walking in the street but sometimes I've noticed that I was successful at looking away immediately. I feel more motivated to stay clean. I read yesterday in the gemara that everything is from Hashem except for fear of Hashem which helped me because it showed me how important it is to be shomer habrit. I really hope Beezrat Hashem I will maintain this motivation everyday.

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 18 Aug 2019 17:44 #342903

  • Freedom12121
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I had a fall today

I was setting up a new phone and I didn’t set the filter up yet and I gradually ended up on watching Schmutz. Even though I had a fall I will continue to persevere and keep trying until I succeed. The whole time I was thinking about why I’m looking at Schmutz and I still did it. I didn’t spend too much time on it though and I’m motivated to keep on trying. Also I set up a filter on my phone. Every time I fall I realize how much I need to work in my avodat Hashem to stop this because even though I don’t want to do this I still somehow end up falling. Hopefully posting my progress in this forum will increase my motivation to not fall again.

May Hashem Help us all stay clean
Last Edit: 18 Aug 2019 17:46 by Freedom12121.

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 19 Aug 2019 03:17 #342910

  • gyehelp2017
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Freedom12121 wrote on 18 Aug 2019 17:44:
I had a fall today

May Hashem Help us all stay clean

A fall is not the end, its a starting point for a new beginning.
Try to see what got you to fall, and do something specific that it should not happen again.
Hatzlucha!!

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 19 Aug 2019 07:30 #342911

  • David26fr
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Freedom12121 wrote on 18 Aug 2019 17:44:
I had a fall today

Focus on all these clean days, on how many times you managed to guard your eyes and stayed sober...
One fall don't erase all the good you done.

Keep what went good, analyze what leaded you to the fall to avoid in the future (in your case, avoiding at all case to be alone with an unfiltered phone), and improve your work...

"Seven time tzadik fall and he gets up" : this doesn't say that the tzadik doesn't fall at all, this says that the tzadik can have falls... But, after the fall, he gets up and continue. As we have to do

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 30 Aug 2019 11:43 #343252

  • Freedom12121
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10 days clean!!

This has been a difficult time all these days I have had access to unfiltered internet, and I’ve had jet lag because I moved from New York to Israel. So I was up all night next to an unfiltered computer I’ve been having many flashbacks to all the shmutz I would watch growing up, and there were times when I almost gave in, but I stayed strong. Hopefully it will be easier soon because I’m starting the Yeshiva next week and I won’t have access to unfiltered internet. Being on this website and reading the forum has helped me a lot so thanks! 
Beezrat Hashem I will stay clean 

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 30 Aug 2019 12:47 #343254

  • Dave M
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Freedom12121 wrote on 30 Aug 2019 11:43:
10 days clean!!

This has been a difficult time all these days I have had access to unfiltered internet, and I’ve had jet lag because I moved from New York to Israel. So I was up all night next to an unfiltered computer I’ve been having many flashbacks to all the shmutz I would watch growing up, and there were times when I almost gave in, but I stayed strong. Hopefully it will be easier soon because I’m starting the Yeshiva next week and I won’t have access to unfiltered internet. Being on this website and reading the forum has helped me a lot so thanks! 
Beezrat Hashem I will stay clean 

I always tell guys who are starting yeshiva in Israel.  Ultimately, the key to a successful year, is learning.  Don't forget that. You don't want to be that guy on that last day of the year, thinking that he wasted his time. Believe me, the year will go by very fast. 

Re: I hope Ill permanently break free this time 30 Aug 2019 14:37 #343255

  • torah123
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My Dear Freind 
The hardship at the beginning is the withdrawal pain of the drug you have used which in your case is porn 
But please do remember that what has pushed you all the way to watch porn is still in you and learning in yeshiva by itself by not necessarily  help, the way you describe the past that you stopped and started all the way indicates that addiction to porn is at play and for that the best solution is the 12 step 
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