BS”D
As a Baal Teshuva in the process, my yetzer hara was telling me all these years not to go to GYE and ask for help when I’m in a nisayon and I’ll be fine and won’t fall, now I said “enough”. I took upon myself to be on GYE forum daily especially when in a nisayon. I also took upon myself to get up early in the morning and daven Shacharit (which was the hardest thing for me), and learn Torah ( starting with the daily Aliya of the parasha, then Halachot (hilchot Shabbat and then Shulchan Aruch and Mishneh Torah), then Gemara (with chazara), then Mussar and shiuri Torah. I’m an addict for almost 5-4 years. And I realized that in the beginning of when I learned about this sin, I was doing Teshuva and was mamash doing all the mitzvot and had yirah Shamayim. But as I kept falling until now, I realized that my yirah shamayim is lowered drastically, now when I hear a scary shiur I don’t get scared, when I learn Torah I don’t understand it easily as I used to. I’m afraid I’ve got the punishment that Rambam says it’s the worst punishment one can get, of not doing teshuva. I’ll start from today to be on GYE daily and hopefully I’ll break free and do Teshuva shlema, or at least finish the first level of Teshuva which is stopping the sin. It’s very hard for me to write what I wrote, my heart is despairing but I still have the hope of breaking free. I’ll keep updating you about my journey here and ask for help when I’m under a nisayon. May it be HaShem’s will, that with your merit I’ll succeed.
