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The Long War Journal
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: The Long War Journal 725 Views

The Long War Journal 16 Jan 2019 16:32 #338497

  • airmale613
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I've moved this thread here, as it is the more appropriate forum.

Day 45 - Half way to 90.

This is a great accomplishment, but I am not letting my guard down. 90 is a somewhat arbitrary number and I know how my YHworks. When I hit 90 my YH will say "great job! Let's celebrate!"

I feel myself slipping slightly more every day. Like I'm taking tiny steps towards the cliff. I am careful to guard my eyes, no porn, eyes down in public, but the YH is getting smarter. Still fighting.

Re: The Long War Journal 17 Jan 2019 03:21 #338510

  • brlife101
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Congrats on your halfway mark! The 90 or 900 or 9,000 number is really irrelevant once you accept yourself for who you are and acknowledge you can fall any day regardless of your number of clean days. In terms of your feeling of slipping, have you considered taking a detailed inventory of all the avenues you have access to that is causing your slips and blocking them off? Like filters that you know how to get around on phone, computer, etc? Everyone has different triggers and struggles but if you can identify the source of your slips and be self-honest about completely blocking that off, no halfway measures where you leave a back door open..., the slips may become less frequent and less of a problem over time. Hatzlocho!
Last Edit: 17 Jan 2019 11:43 by brlife101.

Re: The Long War Journal 17 Jan 2019 14:23 #338518

  • airmale613
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Hi,
I am a little odd I think in that I have no taiva for porn, and I am not triggered by internet. Typically my issue is loneliness/tiredness/stress that manifest as acting out.  

Re: The Long War Journal 17 Jan 2019 15:19 #338519

  • i-man
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A few people have mentioned recently that loneliness is a big trigger,
I have a great idea maybe get in touch with each other(or anyone for that matter) plenty of real friendships have been started from people connecting through gye..

Re: The Long War Journal 17 Jan 2019 18:51 #338524

  • ColinColin
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airmale613

You are not odd.
I am almost the same.

90 or 95% of the time I act out it is because I am very lonely or tired, feeling hurt.

The HALT description is very much me, these are my triggers:

Hungry
Angry (Resentful)
Lonely
Tired

The acting out is a "junk food high" which I crave when I am very low.
Gives me only a few seconds of high, then afterwards intense regret.
It has taken me so long to realise this.

So now I make great efforts to see the warning signs and do something positive.

Best thing is to call a friend, but also to be nice to yourself with some reading, to watch a film, or exercise.

Longer term I am going to get involved in some social groups.
Last Edit: 17 Jan 2019 18:54 by ColinColin.

Re: The Long War Journal 17 Jan 2019 23:56 #338530

  • airmale613
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I had a slip today but not a fall. I'm disappointed at myself. Two weeks ago I was so strong, now I'm weakening. I'm even more disappointed that I'm not more disappointed. Need to wrap my head around this.

Re: The Long War Journal 21 Jan 2019 04:16 #338557

  • lionking
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airmale613 wrote on 17 Jan 2019 23:56:
I had a slip today but not a fall. I'm disappointed at myself. Two weeks ago I was so strong, now I'm weakening. I'm even more disappointed that I'm not more disappointed. Need to wrap my head around this.

Instead of wrapping your head around it, perhaps let it out of your head.

You are in essence, resenting yourself for not feeling worse than what you are currently feeling. Look up on the forum, numerous posts why resentment is not good for you.

Two weeks is very normal to feel this way. The initial excitement wore off. Now comes crunch time. Time to get to work.

Be well, Hatzlocha Rabba
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: The Long War Journal 21 Jan 2019 12:07 #338562

  • Singularity
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airmale613 wrote on 17 Jan 2019 23:56:
I had a slip today but not a fall. I'm disappointed at myself. Two weeks ago I was so strong, now I'm weakening. I'm even more disappointed that I'm not more disappointed. Need to wrap my head around this.

Welcome! What's the definition of "strong"? Try not to mistake it for "ga'avah".
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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Re: The Long War Journal 30 Jan 2019 19:51 #338745

  • airmale613
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Day 59:
Had a rough patch over the last week or so but just barely made it. Reviewed the shiur the got me back on the wagon and fortified myself. I can't believe I'm almost 2/3 the way to 90. I'm feeling good where I am at this point and ready to make more advancements. Thank you all for your support.

Re: The Long War Journal 24 Feb 2019 14:35 #339193

  • airmale613
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DAY 84!!!!!

I cannot believe that I am almost to 90!!! I know I could not have done this without the support of my chaverim here. So many ups and downs, but I finally feel like I am on some solid footing and in more control then I've been in years.

Re: The Long War Journal 24 Feb 2019 18:32 #339196

  • Dave M
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Hatzlacha in your final stretch!  But as you noted earlier, 90 is an arbitrary number.  Can't let your guard down when you reach 90.  What's your plan then?

Re: The Long War Journal 25 Feb 2019 12:28 #339205

  • Hashem Help Me
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Being prepared for the feeling of "Now what?" on day 91 is extremely important. Keep in mind every healthy male will have urges for his entire life. The biggest tzaddikim have admitted this about themselves (famous story with Rav Elya Lopian ztz"l). Similar to lashon hora, anger, dishonesty in financial affairs, the yetzer hora will be lurking in the background. the difference is that after 90 (or some other number), most of us have regained a normal level of bechira, and we know b'ezras Hashem we can stay clean utililizing the many tools and strategies we have learned. Hatzlocha chaver! It is such an inspiration seeing more and more people climbing out of this mess and then reaching back in to shlep out others. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: The Long War Journal 25 Feb 2019 18:51 #339219

  • airmale613
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Excellent point about day 91. When I began this journey it is forever. I use 90 as something that is a record for me. As the thread is named, this is the long war.

Re: The Long War Journal 01 Mar 2019 15:37 #339320

  • airmale613
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Day 89.

Had a slip yesterday. Was off from work and was bored so accessed things I shouldn't have. Did not fall though. Lessons learned:
1. I need to seriously strengthen myself for the summer when family is away
2. Need to better control my moods and stress levels leading to these issues
3. Surprisingly, when looking at these materials I saw them in a new light. As opposed to being pleasurable, I found it pathetic. I guess that's a good thing.

Continuing the fight. 

Re: The Long War Journal 01 Mar 2019 16:50 #339324

  • Nomore24
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Congrats on reaching 90 tomorrow. What a tremendous milestone.
I have just started my journey and am up to day 16. I feel like I relate as i know my yetzer hara will tell me as soon as I reach 90 days that i did it. I can now take off and take it easy. So I am doing everything i can to preempt this. Right now I have a lot of great momentum behind me but i realize that it may not last last, at least not as strong as it is right now. So I am trying to find strong measures to put in place for when the time may come that Im not so motivated to control myself. I like seeing what works for others, do you have anything in particular that has been working for you?
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