I can't actually believe it because I thought I was done for good but just shy of a full year of being clean I fell. It actually feels different this time due to the fact that it's been so long since I have had the urge but none the less I slipped and I need to dust myself off and start again. I can blame my circumstances for what happened but that would just be turning a blind eye to the reality which is that I need to do better next time and work harder when the urge comes. Knowing that I almost made it to an entire year is bittersweet. On one hand I know now that if I put in the work and really want to I can do it. On the other hand I know I let myself down bec I could have avoided the situation that I put myself into and not broken my streak. Regardless, I am ready to start again and now that know that I have what it takes I am ready to blow by my old record and never have to update my chart again because this time with hashems help I will be clean every single day for the rest of my life. It's funny because when I first started I thought there was no way I could do it and it will never be me on the wall of fame list. Looking back now I have come to realize how much I have changed. Not only was I able to overcome my biggest urges for an extended period of time it also gave me a new attitude. No more hiding my habit and worrying all the time about getting caught. It left me feeling more easy going and less edgy which in tern helped me build a better relationship with my wife. I know what areas I need to work in to become a better person and hopefully this time around I will be able to focus on those areas and emerge stronger and more confident. If this helps even one person who has a doubt after a fall believe that they can do it then every second was worth it. It's my hope and prayer that each and every one of us should have the strength we need to keep moving forward and accomplish tremendous things in life.

A masterpiece of a post! May Hashem help you proceed in staying clean and inspiring others. By the way, what helped you break out of this mess in the first place?

It was a combination of a few different things. I think the biggest was the actual fear that I was addicted and was going to have to live my whole life waking up every single morning with that on my head and never knowing if I could really ever stop. The funny thing is every time I tried to stop and messed up I always justified it by telling myself I know there is someone out there who is worse then me and I can always stop if I want to because I am not really so addicted. This last fall showed me that as far along as I have come there is still a lot of work to be done and the yetzer harah is just waiting for the opportunity to trip us up. Someone once told me it's not the actual fall that the yetzer harah cares about,it's the thought process that comes arter. If we kick ourselves and give up and say we can't do it he wins. If we get up and come back stronger we show that we have messed up but that doesnt define us and and we win. Today is only day one for me but I know I can do it and I am ready once again to put in the work and get back on track to leading a clean life