Had a fall thursday night. Been busy since... working hard on shemirat einayim... seem to be doing ok w/ that :-)

been a rough day. Very tired. Nothing working right. Obstacle after obstacle in getting things done - just stupidity getting in my way. Now am exhausted and my back is hurting. Yay. Will now go try to excercise, shower, and finish my work. Let it be a kapara.

didn't make it through last time. Fell anyway :-/

But back up now, doing ok :-)

BH
Falling is one thing nuu nuu

Staying down is another thing

That other thing is silly. Its atrick of the YH he says ur down anyhow. Don't listen to him

B

ya know... i reread my first post on this forum... I see i have changed a bit in my approach. I realize that falling is just that. I really put in an effort after a fall to just keep going as if nothing happened. Yes, the thoughts of "how could you daven w/ kavana you hypocrite... you know what you were doing a few hours ago??" do pop into my head. AND I PUSH THEM OUT TOGETHER WITH THE MENUVAL YETZER HARA THAT IS TRYING TO BREAK ME. Yes, I CAN daven w/ kavana, or do the most holiest things RIGHT AFTER I fall. You know why? Because thats what God wants. God prefers that to me digging a deeper hole. So I do it. And I realize, its progress, not perfection :-)

I have to admit my Tefilah at what I thought was my "rock bottom" seemed to have more kavana than whatever I have now.

A certain lethargy rapidly takes hold that makes one prey to less kavanah and eventually the YH.  Maybe the YH is declined in one area... but to hold on to that level of tefilah? 

I suspect the therapeutic advantage to returning to this site even on the upswing is to remind oneself that the YH is nearby.

mekubal.

So Today was a rough day. had a long talk w/ dov. ok it was actually a great day. I just was annoyed that at certain points it felt rough. Solution: be more creative at understanding tha tGOD is running th eshow!!! ok i'm out !

hey guys... some of u have gotten updates through dc's chevra, some haven't ... in any case... lots goin on... but its looking up :-)

BH, BH, always BH.

Looking up is ALWAYS good. Just don't be under a tree with birds.

Next cruise leaves Monday, JULY 26. 2 Ships, one leaves port at 8:30am, testing the waters for sharks and klingons, and the the second one follows at high noon. Hope you haven't become a land lubber.

Oh, I hear we're giving out free eyepatches and peg legs to the first 10 to sign up (bli neder - ). BYOBayonets and Scabbards. we're gonna be cutting up that ol' Lust Urge and feedin' him to the seagulls, who'll carry him far, far away...

C U on board?

Ok so today was a bit challenging. The past two nights, I went to sleep at a normal hour, and made reasonable precautions to not be woken up. Nevertheless, I was woken up both nights within 10 minutes of falling asleep, and then tossed and turned all night - not exactly great for my consciousness. Additionally my stomach was killing me, to the point that I feel now like my stomach had gone through a workout and it is now actually sore.

To say the least, I wasn't very happy getting up this morning.

I'm feeling a lot better now - I took some kids on a mini hike and we had a good time, but the fact is that this morning my davening sucked. Oh, and also, I've been coming late to davening because my stomach has been hurting so I couldn't daven....

But the thing is, I need to internalize 3 things: a) God loves you, and is doing the best for you. It might feel like he's out to get you, but he's not - thats your distorted thinking b). You can choose to be positive. Being happy is a choice - life will have its bumps and difficulties. You can either be cranky about it, or positive about it. Not being positive makes ONLY YOU lose out. Being angry at God will not make things better. (see (a)). c) If God "ruins" my plans of davening well or comign on time or whatever because he gives me a stomach ache... or whatever else - well its not my problem. That was God's choice. I did my best - I went to sleep on time, I woke up on time (or way too early) and I went to minyan. Being unable to concentrate is GOD's choice. Not mine. And if I've done my part, well his part is to decide what the outcome is. Being upset about his outcome is ridiculous.

In any case be"h things will always be for the best...

Ok... didn't get enough sleep last night. Went to a late shachris. Made some breakfast. Not much done yet this morning... My phone broke so now I"m fixing it. Hopefully will get a bit done b4 9av.

This menuval...He's sneaky he is.... I mean seriously.... I'm about to hit 2 weeks.... and b"h hakodosh baruch hu is on my side and he's been just squashing that nasty y"h. Yet, he isn't giving up. He knows that I'm not myself when I'm asleep. So he's been going into my dreams. and offering some VERY enticing treats. And b"h I kind of remember... "but I'm  already at 2 weeks. How could I give in?" Yet I almost do give in!! This is VERY dangerous!

I need to practice now.... while I'm awake, to call on my superhero to help me. Because when I'm asleep I forget about my superhero. O God my one and only, please please help me remember to call on you even when I'm asleep!

Not much sleep last night.... but had a good davening w/ kavana. Now I just need to somehow focus for a few hours and get a project done that is way way overdue. HKBH please help!

Lesson learned: if by some hook or crook you fall, you need to reach out right away!!! even AFTER the fall, so you don' t continue falling but get the help you need to get back into recovery mode. Otherwise, a few days of suffering ensue...

wow, def a good lesson!
well, we learn from our mistakes, hopefully.
do you have a sponsor?