Today was a pretty tough day. The shemirat eynayim is not really an issue for me even. Whats really annoying me is the fact that I'm biologically feeling a need for a "release." After going to the bathroom, I have an additional "leak" which of course just makes me want to "finish it off" I'm resisting hard, but its really tough, when you just feel that its almost as simple as a sneeze, a cough, or blowing your nose. The y"h has realized that lust is not an option anymore - I've managed to take it to a level where I push it out within seconds if the thought enters my mind. I treat it as a super danger. In fact I'm only getting thoughts 1 - 3 times a day. So the y"h is willing to settle for some mediocre sz"l. Well guess what. You're gonna have to do it some other way.
As much as I resist, even when I'm sleeping (I guess my "conditioning" is extending even to my sleep!), I see that its less and less so in my hands. When asleep I give up more quickly (of course I'm not exactly controlling my dreams...) and I've also noticed a pattern in the past that around 30 days clean I have a wet dream. A few times it was EXACTLY 30 days. In any case, God will decide - last week I felt it coming on so I slept in my tzitzit and thank G-d I woke up clean. Interestingly - when it comes to wet dreams they are just a nuisance - you get ZERO pleasure, and a big mess to clean up. This does not include the need/ embarrassment to sneak out and change w/o anyone figuring out what you're doing... especially if you're staying at someone elses house (I do that every shabbat...). So why? I'm NOT interested. The only thing I can think of is that the "biological release" will help me continue to fight the good fight. So there ya go Y"H, if I have a wet dream YOU lose. So please... don't bother.
I noticed another thing recently - as per my recent post about interacting with girls - the reason why last time I was affected was because she was not tznua. She was dressed 100% tznua. But the way she spoke, her language, her aggressive demeanor is what did it. It removed the "good" in her, and made me on a subconscious level objectify her. When women are tznua in the way they act, interacting with them doesn't affect me (as much?) - I realized this after interacting w/ some girls this past weekend and I was fine. Maybe it was a fluke, but I'm thinking that was the difference.
Thank God, I don't think I'm even close to addicted as much as many others. Reading through the forums, chizuk emails.... I see that I have a pretty easy time filtering out the bad and focusing on the good. I am instinctively reacting to pritzus by turning away, running from it. Although little things do trigger me - it lasts about 2 seconds before I am already pusshing it out of my head. I don't "go with it." If I linger a few seconds too long, I'm already hearing a voice in my head screaming, "DANGER! DANGER!" The same applies to seeing something in the street, magazines, or the internet.... I RUN.
I am hoping, that by following the halachos of Shemiras eynayim (which was not written for addicts, but for EVERYONE), I will have enough to keep me in line. So far it seems to be doing the trick. Something as simple as eliminating the bad influences in my life (TV, movies...) has been enough to get me in line. Some of the stuff I was watching was really not appropriate at all. so its no wonder I was struggling. non addicts are just as affected. I hope I'm just one of those "non-addicts.
