Hey! Just read most of this entire thread. It really inspiring and I thank you guys for being active on GYE. I’ve been popping my head into gye for almost a decade and I’m still struggling. For me it’s come down to not putting my recovery as priority #1. I’m afraid of the wrong things.



Unfortunately my marriage is pretty much over and my two beautiful kids are going to have to go through so much suffering if I don’t pull myself together.



I wonder why I don’t realize that the pain of not stopping is worse than all the pain it takes stopping.



Something I noticed while reading the thread is the fear of after 90. It’s almost like going 90 is manageable and exciting but to stop forever is unthinkable and not even desired. You mean I should be aware of my actions, triggers, feelings and responses for my whole life? While one day at a time is obviously crucial (it allows for the test to be manageable) I think the goal is to be a changed person and to do that you can’t learn all of shas in depth and want to sleep 9 hours a night. It’s crucial to 100 percent let go of what porn and masturbating offered. The pain of not stopping is so much worse than the pain of stopping. Hope this makes a little sense. Thanks again for all the support.







 

Great post true vision.

But the question needs to be asked, is the pain of not stopping worse? 

I think for since of us it may not be yet which is why we still act out

truevision wrote on 18 Jan 2020 22:28:

Very honest and courageous post. Its guys like you who b'ezras Hashem get out of this mess. Keep us updated.

On the similar vein of my previous post, the other day I had a very hard day. I very much wanted to act out and was in a terrible mood. To be clear, it was NOT easy and it could have ended like many other bad days where I give in to my y''h and act out. However, I accepted that it is a challenge and I really gave it my best. I didn't let my mood bring me lower than I already was, and I tried to accept the challenge and not be overwhelmed by it. B''h I made it through, but it was a very real experience. There were no trophies or celebrations at the end - just a little contentment that I had passed this one. Upstairs, what I did probably made a tremendous impact and maybe I saved thousands of people from being sick, or maybe someone found their bashert from this zchus- who knows. The point is that we can't let the world that portrays success as this exciting Hollywood movie get in the way of true success that comes with real work and the production is hidden from us. Ki Sarisa im Elok-m V'anashim, V'tuchal. We are called Klal Yisroel, not Klal V'tuchal - We are a special people because we put in great effort and try to fight, not for the results we are expected to produce. HOWEVER, if we really try to fight and do our best, then Hashem helps in tremendous ways and we are V'TUCHAL- Successful in beating the y''h.

(I also want to be clear on something regarding this challenge. We shouldn't ever fool ourselves how grave and terrible of aveiros these really are considered. There are tons of scary chazal about how severe histaklus, hirhurim, and mzl are and how they can destroy a person's connection to Hashem. People working through this challenge should really take the opportunity to learn what chazal say about it and that itself will be a zchus and mussar to help overcome. However, even with all those chazal's we can never let it get us depressed or feel guilty/shamed because Hashem only expects us to try our best. History has shown people who have a positive attitude are more likely to succeed. Mussar sefarim also right about how incredible people who guard their eyes are in our generation. So realize how grave these aveiros are and while working on them realize how special you are for holding up the world!)

I am sure there is a special place in Hashem's heart (k'viyachol) for everyone on GYE! 

Realestatemogul wrote on 22 Jan 2020 05:07:

This post should be given to all therapists and mechanchim dealing with teenagers struggling with this issue. The appropriate balance between emuna in divrei Chazal about the seriousness of the p'gam and aveira on the one hand, and the proper perspective of "Hashem still loves me" and "I will iyh do tshuva but without any traces of depression", on the other, is difficult for so many to find. So many bochurim who are really good boys suffer from serious negative self worth, depression, and anxiety due to these challenges. This post clarifies and crystallizes how to view this confusing subject. 

And yes, we can only imagine what the GYE heichal in the olamos ha-elyonim looks like. Our job is to bring that heichal down here and open its doors very wide and invite everyone dealing with this challenge (and that's a lot of people) in.

Well said. Unchecked guilt and shame are not helpful. We all want to do teshuva and have remorse before Hashem, but that is different from wallowing in our misery.

Sheva, I love the username! It is really the secret to success over here. 

Okay, bh I am clean and still trucking along. I just came back from a warm weather vacation...why do I do that to myself??? Going to have to try and get right back in to things and learn torah and mussar to try and ensure I stay in a good place.

Any thoughts on how to not let vacations drag me down? I definitely need to take them...

Please be more specific, what part of vacation gets you down?

Realestatemogul wrote on 28 Jan 2020 04:55:

I'm assuming you feel dragged down because on one hand you are trying to take care of yourself by taking a vacation, but on the other hand by doing so you are exposing yourself to women who wear revealing clothing--at best--which arouse your urges.

I don't have any thoughts per se, but I can certainly join you. I always think about doing the best I can. Minimizing how much I gaze at as much as possible. Avoiding crowded areas. I never go to the beach. Ever.

Realestatemogul wrote on 28 Jan 2020 04:55:

Maybe set up a plan with an accountability partner in advance. Discuss what you expect the challenges to be and see what can be put in place with your partner to feel accountable to keep to your plan. Also structuring vacation days (in a relaxed form - that's what vacation is for) in a way that does not leave extended periods of boring time can help too. 

Thank you appreciate the feedback. That's a good idea to reach out to an accountability partner!

I'm reposting this from another thread I posted on:

Depression is probably the biggest challenge Hashem gives us. It always seems like that isn't a challenge and maybe its not even in our control, but the reality is that it is in our control to try and stay positive and have emunah.

One time in my life, I was extremely depressed. I won't go into the details, but I was pretty much lying on the coach in a horrific mood for about a week. I literally wouldn't do anything productive and refused to smile. I spoke to therapists, rabbeim, and friends, but no one was really able to help...it was a very sad time in my life....

Then I realized that I was the only one who actually had the ability to help my situation. It was possibly the single most significant moment of my life. I realized that if I wanted my life to be better I had to make it better. My situation was what Hashem wanted, but it was up to me to make it better. I literally made a chart of the weeks in the month and hung it up. My goal...was to just be positive for atleast 50% of the day. I knew I was sad, but I had to atleast try to not let it overshadow my life. I checked off every day that I was positive most of the day and within a week I was back to myself.

What I realized that day is the same thing that enables me to come on to GYE and successfully count days (and sometimes fall and get back up and count again). I realized that Hashem gives us challenges and that's okay. I realized that we are the only ones who can actually conquer those challenges. Other people can help guide us or give us chizzuk, but ultimately it is our life and we can live it or destroy it. I realized that if we are doing our best we have every reason to be proud. I realized that we should judge ourselves by ourselves and not by other people. I realized that Hashem loves us and that knowing that is as much an attitude as it is a fact. I also realized that the sooner I accept my situation, the sooner I can make it better. While I was in denial, I was a depressed coach potato. As soon as I accepted my reality, I was able to find the good in Hashem's plan and keep making my life the most incredible gift Hashem gave me. 

Wow! B''H I am proud to say I reached 70 days!

It feels like only a short while ago that I was in a serious slump and could barely go a day without looking at seriously damaging things on the internet and being mzl several times in a week or even a day. So it is very exciting to be back in a better position. 

In some ways this past 70 days have been easier than prior runs. For example I have a good filter on my devices and before I started these 70 days I made sure that I would no longer watch anything inappropriate. Also, I had previously done 272 days clean and that gives me strength to know it is possible. To top it off, my life is super busy these days and I have a jam packed schedule.

However, as we know from Rashi by Yaakov and Pharoh, we aren't meant to have it easy in this world and this 70 days has by no means been easy. The past two weeks in particular I have found very difficult. I always want to look at girls and still spend way too much time thinking about them in inappropriate ways. If you have conquered this challenge even for a short period you know that one thought leads to the next, and if you can't steer your thoughts away you are in danger of falling. I am proud to say that I acknowledge this challenge and know that it is hard and I'm okay with that and I daven Hashem should help me conquer it!

BE''H to 90 days and beyond!

Thank you to all the GYE members who give me chizzuk and make this possible!

REM,

Thank you for your encouraging words. We are cheering on you.
I totally relate to everything you've been saying.
I've had long streaks in the past (1 yr+), but as of recently it's been a huge challenge being clean even if for a week.
I'd look at the numbers and just despair and say what's the point, etc.
But just as you, I came to realize. Hashem is not tracking our numbers, streaks, etc. He's tracking us. Are we trying our best? Sometimes we aren't, we're so depressed (the YH's favorite trick), that we just "give up" altogether. But if we try our best with a positive attitude, we're constantly coming back here, trying new things, then for sure, we're bound to suceed too. And if we C"V fall, we can be sure we tried our best. And I think what G-d values the most is picking yourself up from a fall, and try with as much force, or more, than before.
That's the biggest number.
Keep posting, you're an inspiration to all of us!!

Pump yourself up, and your success will spill into your next battle. You are accomplishing what you were put here for! You are succeeding! You are on the road to greatness! Use the exhilaration to impress upon yourself that spiritual accomplishment is worth aspiring for. Celebrating your victories is the most important thing you can do to develop a drive for success through
self-control.

This message is stressed by Chovos Halevavos (5:5), which tells the reader:
Don’t listen to [even the smallest of] the yetzer hara’s
wishes. Rather, hold highly in your eyes even the most
minuscule victory and slightest increase of power over
the yetzer hara. This will lead you to reach even greater
success. The yetzer hara will be quick to obey you and
he won’t stand up to you if you stand up to him.

This is what happens when we fight back against the yetzer hara and celebrate every victory, no matter how small it seems. Celebrating our victories brings us to win our battles and rule over the yetzer hara.
Because rejoicing over your victories is so vital for success, the yetzer hara will try to ruin your excitement.