Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 11 Nov 2018 02:09:

Appreciate the feedback. And you know me by now I think honesty is super important . I think in this case you may have misunderstood me. I am not in general lonely and sad. I am sad that I don't have someone to share a life with i.e. that is the core issue.
ChizukSC wrote on 09 Nov 2018 03:12:


​I am also in no way saying that getting married will solve addiction issues. Just that finding the correct person to share a life with usually solves feeling lonley about not having someone to share a life with.

Keep it up!

Day 8: feels good to have a week clean built  up again. Been in touch with a bunch of people from GYE today.

Something that's been pretty useful this go around, is there is another GYE member who had a fall around the same time as me, so we agreed to touch base even for a second each day to machazak each other that each of us is still clean. Hopefully with this method and others things I have been doing to stay focused, by shavout we will have many weeks in a row clean. Pun intended.

Day nine: Last night was really tough. I could not fall asleep until after 2 AM (I usually get up around 6:00 AM). I was just lying there in bed and the temptation to give in was strong. I tried reading to distract myself/help fall asleep, but it did not work, the urge was still ever present. Chasdei hashem I made it through and eventually made it to sleep without falling, but still feeling a little bit stronger urges this morning than I have in the past week. This afternoon doing even a bit better.

What you are experiencing is withdrawal. It is normal and to be expected. Exercise during the day helps quite a bit as does being in touch with others who have gone through it. Hatzlocha buddy!

Day 11: Today was so much easier. That's the only way I could describe it. I wouldn't have thought it with the way it started. I woke up 3 hours before the earliest shachrit and couldn't fall asleep. Despite the fact that usually it would be a prime time for me to struggle, BH, it wasn't. The rest of the day I was so preocuppied with stuff I really didn't struggle. I know not to get my gaurd down, but still thank hakadosh Baruch hu for giving an easier time today and hope it will continue in the future.

Day 14: bh, back at two weeks! Shavah tov to all.

ChizukSC wrote on 18 Nov 2018 04:44:

Congrats! You aren’t “back” though. You are much further than you were the last time around. Each time we get up and try again takes huge strength and each day clean, consecutive or not, brings healing. 

How are you going to celebrate? 

So, I fell again today. I had some time to kill before my Sunday morning chavrusa and I was thinking about how much I missed this young woman I once went out with and ended up causing shichvat zera livatala.

My first thought to myself was, “do not let the fall get you down”. But the emotions of frustration with myself came to the forefront. The thoughts flooded in: Will I ever have complete control on this? Am I lying to myself that I think I can reach total abstinence from masturbation with self-control and basic GYE tools (forum, chat, filter and strong gaderim) alone? Am I really an “addict” in the Dov way of defining it? Will I have to go as far as to be part a twelve-step program to finally kick this habit? Those questions and more besieged my mind .

At moment, I knew I could not avoid those feelings and had to give them a chance to blow over. Though I pushed myself to do four important things.
1. Admit to myself that I fell by resetting my 90-day count. I did not have the strength to post about my fall right then, but by resetting my count I knew I force myself to post about it at some point
2. I PM’d a GYE buddy that I have been corresponding with on a daily basis to tell him I fell.
3. Donated some money to GGYE based on a commitment I made, so I would not forget about it.
4. Planted the reframe in my head this is not a failure, but still a marking point of how far I have come. I only masturbated twice in five weeks which is really much better than where I was a few months ago!

This last point was soon overtaken by the despair of having fallen once again and with a shorter streak then my last time. But the reframe was importantly planted there.

I went to my scheduled chavrusa and the day went on. I “caved out” a little on my setback, but soon was able to shift my focus to the positive. Besides the above point about only two times in five weeks being a sign of great success, I know that this time around things were substantively better. The urges this time were easier to beat. The withdrawal was less intense. I felt less of a “need” to masturbate whenever I felt a little triggered. I more consistently reached out more to GYE chevra in tougher times. There is real progress to celebrate!

As I write this post my attitude as has completely changed. I now this fall is nothing but a blimp on a great journey to being completely clean and with G-d help and the tools on GYE I will make it. I want to stress I do not think this reframe is my lying to myself and trying to put a positive light on a dreadful situation. I know this to be true. I am fighting the good fight and winning. I am have reached new heights and gained new skills and will continue to do better.

With that in mind, the question I of course need to ask myself is what can I do better to avoid this in the future?

In the past, I have spoken with a therapist regarding my lingering emotions regarding this young woman with mixed results. I think I am going to give it another shot and see if this underlining issue can be tackled. I think I will try a different therapist and see if a different approach will be more helpful.

After my last fall, I made my first phone call to a GYE member and found it helpful and felt like I would try to make more consistent. Somehow, I kept finding excuses not to make those calls. Either, “there were too many people around and would be awkward if they overheard the topic of conversation”, or “I bet he is asleep or busy right now better not to call”. This time around I will try to make more of an effort call on a consistent basis and not give in to my excuse making.

I will continue to think of additional things, but the above is start.

Ending this post knowing I am still on the upwards journey to being a healthier stronger yid and hoping that it still gets better from here!

Ihavestrength wrote on 18 Nov 2018 15:51:

Thanks for this. I know you wrote this responding to a different point I made, but applies just as much.

ChizukSC wrote on 18 Nov 2018 21:23:

This post is a GYE masterpiece. Our chaver ChizukSC has honestly gone through the "stages of a fall" successfully. Complete honesty of what occurred, followed by allowing himself to feel his emotions and therefore eventually regulate them and come to terms with what happened, followed by practical perspective and plans for the future, followed by optimism - the product of all the other steps. ChizukSC you are way
ahead of where you were a few months ago. You are in a real recovery stage - heading for true menuchas hanefesh. And yes, get on the phone again - its a great tool. May Hashem help you to continue inspiring others with your journey.

Day Four:  I had a scary moment where I had called TAG/my filter provider regarding something I wanted to fix on my phone. They turned off the filter to see if the issue with the app was the filter. After we hung up I realize they forgot to activate the filter again. I cannot pretend like the YH did not get stronger at the moment because it definitely did. But I called them back and got them to activate the filter again. BH. Other than that, day has gone pretty well.

Day 7: BH, the week has gone well. Shavah tov!

Coming clean four days later. Four days ago I got to two weeks and fell again. Was embarrassed to post I fell again and was only able to make it to two weeks like last time. Though at least I did reset my count at the time and spoke to GYE chevra through PM about it which I found helpful. BH doing well this time around.

Day 14: took a little bit of hiatus from posting due to a number of factors. Bn hope to post regularly again and continue to excute my plan to help with long term recovery.

I feel again earlier this week, but I have spoken to some of the chevra added a couple of tools and adjusted some of my gaderim and bzh ready to make another at it.