ChizukSC wrote on 02 Nov 2018 03:02:

I've written up in the past my theory about 3 types of stress.

1. One is positive as it motivates me to get things done, ie: personally work related stress usually motivates me and gives me the drive to complete projects, or to  prove myself. Studying for a test might be another example.
2. Physical stress, when I am not feeling well, and similarly being hungry, tired, etc... Usually don't cause me to want to act out, however they lower my tolerance level and I would have a harder time with triggers.
3. Negative stress, feeling put down, angry, resentful. Any worry which makes me doubt my self worth, are what cause me to escape.

Hatzlocha

Day 21: Pretty rough shabbat. I ended up thinking a lot how much I miss this girl I used to go out with and that led to fantasize about what life would  have been like if things ended different and we had ended up getting married and led me to want to act out. BH I didn't fall. But I still miss her. 

This has been coming in waves. When I first started the 90 day challenge I thought it was hard, then for a few days it felt so much easier than it got tough again and eventually abated again. Now I feel like the challenge is the hardest since I started.

I have noticed weekends are harder because my time is more flexible. More prone to have time to waste/mess up. During the week since my day is full, less likely for me to feel challenged.

I fell. Day 1. Glad I have the strength to tell the truth.

What was the trigger? the same issue - the girl you used to go out with? If yes, how can we plan for the future?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Nov 2018 13:43:

Partially that, partially boredom and just giving in to the urge that was pushing me to do it for a fleeting second of pleasure.

Planning for the future: I hope to talk to a therapist on the best way to healthy approach not letting my feelings for her effect me all the time. I have done this before, but hopefully I can have more effective results.
Also, I spoke for the first time to GYE members on the phone and I hope to keep up the communication. It's really a testament to how amazing klall yisrael is that people listen and give tips to people they just met over GYE. I can see why it helps so many people on this site find it helpful and hopefully will be helpful for me as well. 
Lastly, I am going to push to internalize even more that just because I feel like there is a need to release the pressure and masturbate does not mean I really have to. HaKadosh Baruch Hu gave us bachera for a reason and I do not need to give in to every urge that comes across me. I am a free man.

The following are the GYE rule for what is considered a fall:

1. Intentional masturbation (with finish)
2. Intentionally viewing improper sites
3. Intentionally calling inappropriate telephone numbers
4. Intentionally seeking out and reading erotica

While these rules may be fine for some, the leniency for rule 1 seems to make little sense to me. If you start to intentionally masterbate, but don't finish it is more than slip because the zera still comes out the next time you go to the bathroom and will set you back in the withdrawal process. I am going to consider it a fall for myself if touch down there in a masterbation fasion for more than seven seconds.

Hey Chizuk! It looks like you are doing great, and your honesty is awesome! I just wanted to give some feedback though. 



Can’t zera come out before 7 seconds are up? Also, I know for me, zera can come out without touching myself, perhaps as a result of getting a bit carried away with my thoughts. So maybe you should count that as a fall as well. And what about wet dreams, zera comes out there too? 



I’m not trying to poke fun, I’m merely suggesting that making super strict rules for yourself may not be helpful, for there is really no end to things you can prohibit. 



Obviously, I’m not recommending masturbating without finishing... It’s just that it’s not only number 1 that contains loopholes which allow for you to keep the rules, and yet still do things which will set you back. Take number 2 for example: You can look at all the pics you want, as long as they are not on inappropriate sites!



Lastly, it is GYE’s 90 day challenge so it does make sense to follow their rules. Best of luck!!! I wrote this cause I thought it may be helpful. I hope it didn’t come across as too arrogant I could be wrong about this and it’s just my opinion

Ihavestrength wrote on 05 Nov 2018 01:40:

Thanks for the feedback. I was really coming from a different approach. To me what is considered a fall is something that I cause directly to considerably regress in beating the addiction/habit. The obvious example is if your trying to stop masturbating, then giving in once and doing, you doing so not build up self control that you would have in withholding. One of the things that hard about staying clean is that after not giving in for a couple of days there is this pressure (or feels like) that builds up because your body is used to you just releasing zera whenever want. This has been described to me as harder to deal with during "the withdrawal phase". But once uses self control after a while it becomes easier and the pressure lessens. However, it seems to me that if some masturbates just up until the point of finish, this restarts the withdrawal process through the forced released of zera by going to the bathroom after.

The other main thing for me is that starting and and not finishing, will be that slippery slope to really falling and I need that extra red line to tell that voice of the yazer hara that starting is as if I already fell. The 7 seconds is just a conservative way of saying never start. But not too strict that if I absentmindedly do something for a second I don't have to consider it a fall and restart my count.

Re following the rules set by GYE, GYE is an outstanding site and I am so grateful for what it has given me! But different things work for people differently. The.guard (besides being a hero for klall yisrael) seems like a pretty understanding yid  I cannot imagine he will be upset with me tailoring the chart to stricter rules that will hopefully help me. By reading through other people's posts it seems it has happened before.

Day 2: If I am remembering correctly, this day 2 has been easier than the last time I had to pick up from a fall. Maybe it means the three weeks I stayed clean were helpful in building up endurance. Will see if that stays a common theme. 

Day 3: I have been chatting with a few people on GYE and someone mentioned an interesting idea to me to use as a deterrent to falling. Its similar to a component of the taphsic method, but instead of agreeing to pay a penalty to charity if I fall, one makes an agreement with another GYE member that if either of them fall both members have to pay a penalty. This seems be more motivating, because in the moment of urge, I may convince myself it is worth paying the penalty, but I am less likely to fall if I am causing someone else to pay also. 
A few questions: Has anyone ever used this method? Any downsides you can think of?
​Would I use a shavuah like in the taphsic method with a similar nusach that GYE published? Let me know if you have any thoughts!

Day 5: I think it's possibly when I am feeling lonley and sad that I don't yet have a wife and family to share a life with it triggers an urge to want to act out. Definitely not the only trigger, but maybe one of them.

So maybe reach out to a good friend to share with. Some of the guys on the site do this for each other.

ChizukSC wrote on 09 Nov 2018 03:12:

Identifying triggers is useful because it allows us to plan for how we are going to react to them. What’s your plan for this trigger?

Maybe calling a friend or talking to a family member, basically connection with another person would help when you are feeling this trigger? 

Ihavestrength wrote on 09 Nov 2018 20:57:

Fair point. I'll try to think of a good person to call. Long term having a wife will be helpful.

Hope my comment doesn't come out too sharp. But I'm very into honesty these days and if you feel lonely and sad sometimes, having a wife won't necessarily help. 

You need to figure out why you feel sad and lonely and to take care of the core issue, marriage in this case might just be escaping.. 

anyhow keep trucking!