Hello,
I'd like to introduce myself as I've been here for quite a long time but only recently have I discovered the power of the GYE forum. My name is yehonatan, I grew up in what's called a modern Orthodox family, went to school with friends who knew too much, watched a certain movie that taught me how to degrade my body and had an obsession with Google images. I hated myself at first because I sort of knew it was wrong. I'm really not sure how I knew but it was a feeling. Right at the beginning, I must've been 11 or 12, I told my mother I was looking at improper images and that I felt disgusted. She consoled me and the matter was swept under the rug. Eventually things got worse to the point where I was touching women and wanted them to touch me. 
eventually, I discovered it was assur, but it was too late to stop.
I believe it was after an intense "workout" with the computer that I searched the internet for some help and Baruch Hashem found GYE.
I got to go now but Be'ezras Hashem I'll continue at another time.

After using the GYE tools intermittently, I now use it often and they give me tremendous Chizuk. Many of my urges go away after posting in the forum. 

A new perspective of noticing the small miracles in life, such as opening my hand and drinking, and appreciating many things from inside me to outside of me has greatly helped my struggle. I didn't start being a lustaholic knowing it was assur so my belief is that Hashem planned it out that way in order to teach me something. I'm still trying to figure out the lesson but I gained much emunah, bitachon and Chizuk from tayvos of women and acting out, along with a chronic medical problem. Every so often I might look at women, tzniusly dressed and say xyz to myself about them, or touch myself when feeling particularly weak but that's okay because you can't fight with a pig without getting muddy. 
Truthfully, I'm not fighting actively. I adopted a שב ואל תעשה approach where I sent my fences and when I have an urge I daven to Hashem to take this urge away from me because I am irresponsible with the bechira He gave me in this aspect of life and thus I am likely to fall. I know Hashem doesn't "want " me to fall but theoretically if He wanted, I would fall. I'm just his servant trying to learn the lessons He wants me to learn.
So ultiamtely, after setting my defenses, the only course of action I need to do is daven and even that according to halacha is called being passive (speech isn't coslnsidered to be an action in halacha) so essentially I'm just a little baby enjoying the warm hug of my Father and basking in his everlasting kindness.

Baruch Hashem things have gone well. Between Yom Kippur and Succos was very difficult but I think my spiritual high kept me afloat until Succos where I started to touch areas that shouldn't be touched. 
i think I'm going to consider that a fall because I don't generally allow zerah to come out so I think I will set a different standard for myself.
Does anyone agree or disagree?

Hello yonaton! 
what you are writing is very interesting. "We can't fight a pig without getting muddy". So true! Thank you for sharing your raw feelings! You wrote that posting helps, which I find true in my experience as well. Which other tools helped you? I need some more ideas. I wish to get to 55 days. What keeps you  going?

Chag samiach!

Yitzchok

Hey yitzchok!
I'm actually having a little urge now so what I will write may not be 100% accurate, so as always be be critical.
The reason I'm writing now and not when I feel better is because it gives me extra chizuk in this current challenge and it could actually prove to be beneficial being that I'm " in the moment ".
let me clarify that I'm in yeshiva, so a big chunk of those 55 days were aren't very true. Also, I rarely do let any zerah come out. Im addicted to the action and to watching porn.
The forum is a huge source of Chizuk for me and I subscribed to Bgit's thread called Bgit's 2nd round or something of the sort. (It's usually one of the top/newest threads on the journey to 90 days part of the forum. I try to advise and read the posts others post and just getting emails saying that a new post was made to that thread is inspiring. 
I recently started to transform any porn scene which comes up in my head to be keduasha related so that instead of appearing as a porn scene it looks like a Jewish woman lighting Shabbos candles. This has proven to be effective a few times. The porn scene starts but without really paying attention she starts to light Shabbos candles! 
Nefesh Hachayim says that we, as we know ourselves, don't actually exist. There is a neshama up in shamayim which manifests itself on this world through our bodies. Thus, the human body is an avodas Hashem machine. The male body is the way it is because the neshama needs a certain toolkit (the male body) in order to succeed. Other neshamos were given a different toolkit, the female body because that is what they needed to succeed. Thus, I imagine a ropes extending from one source in shamayim (the "quarry"/ source of neshamos) to I and the girl about which I currently fantasize. Basically reminding myself why I'm here. 
One of the most important things is tefillah. I wish there were more davening times during the day!they're so inspiring! Just reading pshat is incredible. They're full of emumah, bitachon and reminding me why I exist: For Hashem!
Today was a really weird day because I felt exhausted even though I slept enough. I realized that I'm too tough on myself so I  decided to slack off. I said "I don't care leave me alone". The same can be applied here. " Y"h , please leave me alone. I am incredibly uninterested in your offer. (Although I am currently very tempted and may want to comply,) experience tells me I'm going through a phase I deep down I really really really don't what to." And proceed to think about cucumbers, or anything else.
I oarenthesised a part because I don't really like it since it's  a sign of weakness and may cause me to fall.
sometimes, when the backside of a woman arouses me, I imagine excrement coming out. Its my way of saying, "she's human, don't make her something she isn't. " 
I may be crazy but betachbulos Asei Milchama!
Hope that helped.
Let me know how things go

By the way, I think I'll start counting every time I touch my eiver in an inappropriate manner for more than a few seconds as a fall. the after effects are almost identical to that of a real fall and I rarely emit any zerah . What do guys think?

You should do whatever works for you but avoid being too tough on yourself. It can backfire. Keep posting. You write very well. Its helpful for all of us.

Well said, Yonatan. May Hashem be in your way! Posting while under a lust attack can be very beneficial, it helps you be mechazek yourself. Saying that your 50 days don't count because you're in yeshiva is like saying that anything I will ever accomplish won't count cause I'm married and I get to have sex with my wife (at least sometimes:).. Just the opposite! Being a single with no kosher outlet is 10 times harder. I'm still trying to come up with the right formula for gye that should be used for singles; I mean clean days as a single are much more of a challenge than of a married pervert like me.. Ashrichu reb yonatan!! You are my inspiration!!

Wow. I started to cry after reading your posts. thank you so much.
i was under heavy attack but the yetzer hara was frightened to see how many of us struggling are strong and winning that he retreated a bit. 
This means more to me thank I could ever imagine (if that makes sense)

Dear unknown,

Thank you for your warm response. You know, sometimes we do things and we don't even understand the impacts of our deeds till we ourselves get to enjoy it in unexpected ways.
Yesterday I fell. Bh, it didn't end up with masturbation, but it was intentional porn viewing for 2-3 hours. Hashem had it, and I was forced to leave the office in the middle. I wanted to come back later at night to finish off (since I anyways fell, might as well), but I managed to stop myself there. I was so surprised that I was able to pull it off. I wasn't that depressed either, which was shocking to me. I looked at it that I lost one battlefield, but I didn't lose myself or my values. Once the battle was over when I left the office, I do not need to go back being that I'm anyways lost, cause I'm not. I don't know where that strength suddenly came from, maybe form posting and being mechazak other people. And when I needed chizek, it was right here for me in terms of your post. Thank you so much! 

Let me share with you one big secret. You are now 62 days clean odaat thanks to Hashem! as times goes by, the impact of your previous fall erodes. You forget how damaging it is to watch these things, all you can think of is the constant lust attacks which are overwhelming and rub out your tires. So let me remind you, it ain't pretty down there. It is a disgusting dungeon that negatively impacts your happiness, connection with Hashem and with other people, productivity and only leaves you with more problems than when you started. Stay clean for today!! 

ויותר יעקב לבדו, ויאבק איש עמו עד עלות השחר ולא יוכל לו! 


May Hashem be in your way!!

LOVEU,
ty for ur post, but i do have a q for u, or any1 outthere,

everyone keeps saying that feeling down/upset/depressed after a fall is a bad thing... and i know that getting to down on yourself can be counter productive... but i personally started noticing that when i fall, and i say 'hashem doesnt want you to get down on yourself' just get up and start fighting again, it detracts from the charata/remorse for the act...

any thoughts on the topic?

Great thread.

I am slightly older (36) than most you guys, and discovered GYE in Pesach of 2016. It was the gateway for me, and I have had some good sobriety, though a major life transition over the summer has meant that I really had to recommit to my 12 Step Program to get back to the derech this Fall. I thank Hashem every night for a day of sobriety (55), and I ask him every morning to grant me just one more. 

About this issue of being hard on yourself and remorse after a fall...The important thing about a fall, in my opinion, is that you learn from it, specifically, about the patterns that you are trying to break. This is addiction! And for that, the formal framework of a 12 Step group (even online!) can be very useful. According to GYE, I can see that I had a streak of 164 days during my first year in Recovery. I cannot decide anymore whether that is "long" or "short." He point is to ask for a day and to be grateful for a day. Really! Not to try and "hold your breath" for a day; or stack days up. So, what I discovered in the 12 Step groups is that the falls taught me a lot about the succession of events and feelings that let to the acting out...And just observing your feelings in a new, heightened way, turning all that analytical power that you have in your brain, developed in yeshiva and elsewhere, on to your own feelings, sometimes, in an honest and unvarnished way for the first time, can allow you to see things in slow-motion next time. That's when you catch yourself; put new fences, use new tools, and swerve out of the way, b'ezrat Hashem, the next time the addiction comes barreling down on you with the force of a freight train. 

I fell last night.
it was very weird. I didn't want to see what barely clothed women but, with my hands literally trembling, I forced myself too. I really heard two voices saying the opposite things. Then I told myself that I have a tayvah for video games and as I was sitting there relaxing I touched where I shouldn't have touched. It took a while, and there was a lot of fighting about it in my head but I foolishly reason that since I would hold it it, it wouldn't be assur. So I did until I eventually peed out the zerah a few seconds later. A complete moron. 
I am very grateful to Hashem for helping me fight. The problem was that I rejected his help.
I realized that the origin of this episode began a few hours earlier when I saw my aunt and cousins for 2 hours or so. My aunt she has a body....(I decided to leave out any adjectives to protect guys). So I had this moment when I told myslef while looking at her "that's it! I'm going to do it!". I learned that 90%of the battle is won or lost in the first stages. I estimate that had I been stronger during the time with my aunt I might have not fallen. 
Anyone have ideas as to what to do when confronted with exciting bodies fornseveral hours? I see her more often than not so it's not so easy to escape her, nor do I think that is want to escape her (at least not if I was escaping or running away. Maybe if a different word for it is found I would)

Yitz
Assuming Nefesh Pashut was answering you question (Nefesh Pashut: I really liked what you wrote but I don't know if that was meant as an answer to Yitz) I'd like to add. I don't think regret means to feel bad all day/week/year....i think it means to understand the severity of one's sins (in certain cases/people how they currently affect my life) and find it in yourself to accept never to repeat the same act THEN to stay sober one day at a time. Once youve come to the realization, act properly and accordingly.

Stay strong chevra!

Ps: I dangerously researched the lives of porn stars ( I shoud seriously check my filter) and they don't seem to be very happy about it. Some do it for popularity, see for curiosity but after 8hours of "working", they're physically and emotionally abused leaving no time for their families. The reason I said that is to remind us that they are people too and that it is cruel to support the abuse of human beings. If they don't really like it, then why should I watch it!? Please don't be tricked and say that they seem to like it on the videos. Inalos said this so that you don't look it up yourself. Please trust me.

Unknown, 

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent fall. I hope you will find the courage to pick yourself up and move on. I am a lost soul just like you, and just want to stay sober for today (or so I think). Regarding the subsequent depression of after a fall, I would probably describe it as a cherevshel shtiepiyos. From one hand, if it wasn't for that, we probably wouldn't be here. But too much of it can make you give up hope and lose any will to stay clean, its yiush! The line between charutah and yiush are very blurry. 

Yo have gone a far way, Yonatan!

@Unknown

I'm sorry about your recent fall.  The yetzer hara really can convince us of anything can't he!  You've done amazing work so far, keep it up.