Hi there,

Just checking in here: Debating whether to do a counting days thing for slips. Maybe it will motivate me to break out of my recent trend, or perhaps it's just a foolishness, and I should focus on just living well and the results will follow. For now, I don't think I'm going to count.

Hi there people! Gut voch! Or Shavuah tov if you prefer... Not feeling too great right now. I'm very tempted  to do something stupid. I'm tempted to look at something that I probably shouldn't... Ya, turns out that not masturbating for six months doesn't totally take away that desire. What am I going to do about it? Not sure really... Meditated a bit, texted a couple people... I thought I knew another way other than giving in... 

IHAVEstrength.

Sounds like you may be white knuckling a bit. Whenever I feel like I'm going down that road, I remind myself of all the good and clarity of mind i've had since being in recovery. How much personal growth, and closeness I've felt to Hashem.  Then I say to myself. I've had these feelings before (a thousand+ times) and you know what? it went away all those other times, as soon as I started DOING recovery things. So why wouldn't it go away now as well. And you know what? it goes away. (could take some time, but I have found that the longer I stay clean the more confidence I've gained that it will be okay, that I won't die if i don't give in, I wont explode, ..., these feelings and thoughts won't take over my life, and Hashem will save me from them, as he did the other bazillion times.)

Just some thoughts. When your not feeling it. See if there is some other strategy that can breathe some fresh air into the recovery. Everything gets stale with time, that's why ODAAT is so powerful, since it keeps us in a fresh attitude, of what can I do today to help my recovery better.

Sorry for the lecture, I'm really talking to myself.

Hatzlacha and if your slipping, could be best to get some new tires on your truck

Taking care of yourself is a powerful catalyst for recovery. 

“Love your fellow like yourself”. Why is this hard to do for so many people? It’s hard because they don’t love themselves, so indeed how can they ever love another?

I don’t think you should walk around all day saying “I love myself” like Kamal Ravikant suggests; but rather that you ensure that your actions and thoughts towards yourself are respectful and kind. 

PeAcE

Public Service Announcement: If you are going to write about something triggering, don't put it in a spoiler and say "Warning! May contain triggers!".

Seriously, do you need to make me feel like a **** for opening that spoiler?

Phew, glad we got that out of the way.

​On a separate note: Some people are obsessed with avoiding triggers. This is probably smart, cause triggers cause guns to go off. That's alright I suppose.

However, some people only want to avoid triggers cause they don't want to feel certain feelings. They don't like themselves when they feel a certain way, or have certain desires. That's stupid.

But hey, if you aren't feeling good, why don't you just go act out? 

Have an incredible shabbos,

PeAcE

Ihavestrength wrote on 20 Apr 2018 21:00:

im sorry that i dont understand  the second half of your post, but i think it WAS appropiate to hide that potential trigger in a spoiler,it was important for us to know what kind of nisayon he went through to understand his situation, which i happen to understand better once i read the spoiler, im still dumbstruck over what happened  to him,if you feel weak open at your own risk, and i dont think that its the same thing that some silly women dressed not tzniyusdig who say to men "who asked you to look at us in the street? Dont look  if it bothers you!"
i think its different

I think it's important to be kind to oneself. I also think it's important to be patient with yourself.

It's hard though.

It's so easy to look at others and say, hey, they are doing it, (accomplishing A, B or C) why can't I? I am so lazy! What is wrong with me!

For example: You might say, "I'm going to class and I'm wasting my time there because I'm not doing the homework".  

Oy vey. 

I don't know what the answer is to not having sufficient willpower and strength to do everything I think I want to do. But there is one thing I do know, however.  That if I stop being kind to myself, or worse, lose patience with myself, my life is over. 

Having seen this I decided to edit the post.  I think I did make it more vivid than it had to be to convey what was going on.  Someone let me know if it's still bad.

It's sad when people think that the goal is to make themselves so strong that they will not fall. Stupid, this is why are falling. You, your stupid ego.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to realize that you mostly suck at everything. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 07 May 2018 02:33:

Why?

Some falls don't come from lusting. After all, some lusting is inevitable for most humans, especially guys like me.

I think falls come from being obsessed with lust. You see something and it's a drama. Did I look too much, what is this going to lead to, I need to think about it, etc.

("Am I not perfect anymore? Was that a slip? Shi*, will people stop needing to bow down to me?" 

Do you realize how the subsequent confusion and mind storm is so subjective and far from a coincidence? ) 

Then you fall. Of course. Your mind is fixated on lusting. 

Next time you see something and you find yourself lusting; instead of saying OMG, when will I become a perfect snowflake, perhaps start believing that there ain't no perfect snowflakes, and that's okay. 

"But whaddya mean! If I don't freak out and write a soap opera about my lusting won't I just always act out?" 

"Hmm...No, actually. However, you may need to figure out something else to do all day."

This fallacy of chasing perfection...  

eslaasos wrote on 07 May 2018 14:42:

I second this. If I really mostly suck at everything what point is there in doing anything. Not a good place for me to be.  I like to think instead that I can do quite a lot, but I CANT control the outcome of what I try to do. I need His help in everything I do since He ALONE controls all outcomes. I need to surrender my ego that everything is in my control, but I have to realize that He gave me a purpose and in that purpose I have skills and CAN accomplish, but I have to understand my place (anava) and I'm not better than anyone else, since we all can't control the outcome of anything. 

Oh. and HE loves US!!!

1) So odd how the temptation to lust, look at porn, or masturbate is so much stronger when I'm alone. It's pretty annoying to be honest. 

2) I haven't posted much recently because I don't have much to post about. Life is less exciting when you are not constantly slipping or falling. 

3) Most of us want to stop masturbating or watching porn. However there is a catch. We only want to stop if the desire to lust is removed as well.

Who said it's ever going away. You can choose now can't you? So why are you getting down on yourself?

I don't know that I'm doing anything wrong in my recovery if the temptation is very strong. My natural inclination is to feel down about it though. 

P.S. That was probably confusing cause it was written by a confused dude. 

It was honest.

That's what counts.