I realized that I've been helping someone in a dysfunctional manner. The help I gave was coming at the expense of my own well-being​. Worse, I wasn't even nessecarily helping them with my efforts.

Then I realized it wasn't just this person that I was trying to help. I try helping people all the time. Maybe they're struggling with booking an airline ticket and I'll swoop in to offer my unrequested help. 

This is really bad. For me, for them for everyone. 

Also, if someone doesn't treat me well, I don't care who they are. I will not be pacify them. I will not enable their anti-social behavior.

I am so screwed up. These years of acting out took their toll. As I get more time of sobriety, I'm able to see more of the wreckage. The dust is clearing. 

I feel like I'm performing open heart surgery on my very being (yes, that was oxymoronic). 

Running helps clear the mind a bit.

For someone who claims he has no strength, your strength of character is simply a notch above.

Seems you're doing great, keep it up.
You inspire a lot of people here.

Day 74: Walking to my car in the parking lot of an apartment complex late last night. I'm super tired and after a drink. Right in front of my car there's a girl standing behind a sliding glass door. First thought: just get in the car and pull out. Second thought, "hey, she's looking at me". Third thought: "maybe something could happen." Mind you, I've never had sex in my life, except with myself of course. I'm shaking at this point. I'm pulling out and can't resist another look. She moved to the window now. As I drive home I shake.  Then came another feeling, self-loathing. Everything and nothing happened. Mind is the grand originator of our experience. You can't fully appreciate the truth of this statement till you experience it. Nothing happened, I didn't even do anything that would appear wrong or strange to an outside observer. My world was overturned in a moment though. With one look. I gave all my power away. I submitted to the ultimate truth that naked women are the most beautiful things in the world (yes, I said things). I'm a faithful worshipper. Religious too, when it comes to the things that really matter. 

Here's one thought that can wreck my life if I believe it for even a moment. "It's productive to think about my lust problem and try figuring out how to get rid if it."

I worship lust with so much. If I can't do it, I still must have it on my mind at the very least. To vanquish it, to destroy it. To show my alliegance. It doesn't want to be forgotten. 

Fool! Lust exists only in your mind. There's no need to fight it if you don't give the topic existence through thinking.

It's so tempting to fall back on old ways of dealing with our problems. 

People think the hard part is the white knuckling etc. They are wrong. What is truly difficult is having a bit of meta-cognition. To realize that your ideas are BS. To take a different route even though your mind is telling you to stay on the road to hell. To stop thinking even when your mind is telling you you must.

Two things. 

Thing one: I had to go to same apartment tonight. I parked in same area (only open spaces). I did not look towards the apartment with the girl at all (see previous post). I acted like a sane person. So yay me. 

Thing two: I cannot and will not attempt to challenge any thoughts I have. I'm way to smart for myself. So any time I have nasty thoughts (self-loathing, despair, lust, etc.) I just say to myself "it's just a thought". Then I move on. I don't take my thoughts so seriously.

Forgetting that thinking is an ability and not reality is my first step towards insanity.

"You'll never move on from this addiction". 

"It's just a thought". 

"You'll never be happy."

"It's just a thought".

"You'll never be able to accomplish anything."

"It's just a thought."

"You'll never be able to enjoy anything besides lust"

"It's just a thought".

Not false, or true, but just a thought. 


Oh ya, and I'm freaking tired. 

Thanks for the raw, honest insights!

Thanks for listening. 

Day 75: Our relationship to our thoughts will determine the quality of our lives.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 26 Apr 2017 14:56:

Interesting. I like that. What does that mean for you?

Do you see your thoughts as reality or an ability? Do you see your thoughts as something that happens to you or something that you create? Do you see your thoughts as reflective of the truth or are they merely arbitrary? Do you recognize that thoughts have an impersonal element to them, in that they arise without being summoned? 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 26 Apr 2017 18:13:

Interesting questions, but what does the quote mean to you? I understand you're Jewish, but I would like your answer.

ihave, your posts are very inspirational. besides helping yourself, you are guiding many others - including me. Thanks

Day 76:

@shlomo24
My quality of life will depend on how I answer those questions. 

Day 77: Seems like my castration, performed by the trio of expert surgeons guilt shame and pain, is wearing off. It's also becoming harder to convince myself that even the smallest amount of lust can potentially bring me to fall. I guess it's a blessing though really. It means I'm moving on a bit. 

Here's where I'm finally getting one day at a time. Things change. The game is constantly changing. But I don't need to worry too much about where it's been or where it's heading. Just gotta do what I gotta do today. 

Good shabbos!

Day 78: Great line from Dov's Thursday call: "If you're feeling uninspired, just act out" (paraphrased). 

He also talked about how the addict's problem is living. About accepting G-d's will regarding the life he gave you and the people he put in it. Really needed to hear that. Really need to finish listening to the call.