Ihavenostrength wrote on 12 Mar 2017 05:02:

 You are keeping to your word
its mamish massive in shamayim 
starting to get drunk so no holding back on posts now 
Soon i will be putting pressure on you to change your username because your strength is mamish a chizuk for all of us
have a great one!!!

Day 30: B"H tame but nice purim. Red wine makes my cheeks red. I don't like that much. It isn't very nice to look at.

Today I reached level 5. I crossed off day 30. It's a green date on the calendar. It's fun to cross off green days.

I'm living each day at a time. I'm thinking much less. Doing things just because. Not everything I do needs to fit into a master plan anymore. Going back to a much older self. A healthier self. 

Giving up false ideas about how long things are supposed to take and just letting them take how long they take. I'm not in as much of a rush to get to the next best thing.
Starting to realize that life isn't about doing things to have them done. It's about doing things.

There's no use clearing time for nothing. Time has no meaning unless it's filled. 

Gosh, I wish the best for everyone. May everyone have a year of menuchas hanefesh, a year where the Aibershter fulfills all of our desires for good. 

Amen! Such a beautiful brocho. Keep on writing and doing anything else that's working for you. It's not silly at all. And keep crossing off the days with Hashem's help.

Day 31: Super tired today. Perhaps because of daylight savings time. Did you know that today is national napping day?

Freedom is nice. Options are great. They both complicate things though. Analysis paralysis can happen.

I have problems that aren't so big. Doesn't really matter though. Problems are as big as the space you give them in your mind. 

So tempting to think about problems. Makes one feel productive. Makes one feel miserable. Most things that tempt us are miserable pursuits. 

The truly desirable doesn't beckon. There's no sense of urgency. That's because it doesn't lie outside of us. We already have it. 

Have to believe though. Solutions work when you believe in them. You decide. I decide. What's life but a voting station. 

New to this forum, and just started my counter (again). My best streak so far was about 60 days, but now I noticed my streaks are getting shorter, not longer, and I got terrified.
It's a horrible feeling, like it's never going to end. I know exactly what to do and what not to do, but then again I receive some stressful news (typically something related to my divorce, and by extension to my financial situation), and I relapse again.
The only good thing is, it all motivated me to start observing. (Well, I guess I'm not the only one with a story like this...) Now I'm scared that with all my knowledge about Judaism and Jewish life, Hashem is not seeing me as a "tinok she nishba", but is rather punishing me as a conscious epikoirus.
The worst part is, I'm trying hard, but still have sfekot be'emuna.
It was a major relief though to find this site, and to figure that even observant Jews are not bulletproof in this regard. That gives me hope to restore myself in the eyes of Hashem.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 13 Mar 2017 23:28:

Beautiful.

And I'm glad you are machnis orchim to your thread. Keep going, Mr baaltshuva as well!

anotherbaaltshuva wrote on 14 Mar 2017 06:28:

You are in good company! A lot of nice frum intelligent people fighting the same battle as you. We wii iy"h make it through together. Whats your story?

Day 32: Why do I think excessively to the point of driving myself insane? Why do I give so much credence to my thoughts? Why is each thought "front page news," each thought requiring analyzation and a corresponding response? Each thought seen as reflective of something intrinsically true. 

Mostly because I've taught myself this dysfunctional method of thinking. 

It goes hand in hand with believing the right circumstances will make you happy. 

It's so tempting to buy into the theory that happiness and well-being is on the shelf in your local store. It's tempting because it seems an easy route to take. It absolves us responsibility for our mental state. It lets us be righteously miserable. 

The ideology that the next best thing will make you happy is hard to resist. In part because this message is being enforced constantly in today's society. Especially if you expose yourself to secular culture. It's insidious. You may not even realize that your thinking has shifted. When you're miserable you'll be reminded though. 

Have you ever seen a child? They're mostly happy. When something is wrong they're sad but get over it quickly. They have healthy psychological functioning. They don't engage in self-sabotage on a constant basis. 

Addiction may not be a problem with action, but with thinking. 

My most dangerous thought is "I'd be happy/happier if _____."

Not thinking the thought itself, but mistaking it as reflective of reality, not something I generated. 

Why is so hard for people to change? I don't think it's hard to change a point of view. It's hard to take on a point of view that forces you to change.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 14 Mar 2017 19:17:

Thank you, seeing this analysis when I need it the most is hashgacha pratit mamash.
For me the biggest trigger for relapsing is the stress and unhappiness.
How can we be happy in the moment while being deprived of many joys if the life by current circumstances? I've lost health, family, my finances are ruined, and at the moment there are very few things in my life I can thank Hashem for. This is exactly what is called בור תחתיה in Tehillim.
I figured it's hard for me to לבטוח in Hashem strongly enough to rely on him to fix my happiness and to correct my situation, so my יצר הרע tricks me every time to enjoy the moment, because the future is so vague.
If I only KNEW (not "hoped", but really knew) He is going to help me and things are going to be better. If I only could to rely on Him strongly enough.

@anotherbaaltshuva Perhaps consider reading this book:"You Can Be happy No Matter What," by Richard Carlson. It's been very helpful to me. Here's a link to it on Amazon. 

www.amazon.com/dp/1577315685/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_3qgYyb1HFWV0S 

Also, perhaps adopt some daily habits to help cope with stress. Perhaps exercise or mindfulness meditation. 

Wishing you the best of luck 

Day 33: Going through a rough time. Depressed, no energy and no motivation. There isn't much in my life that is going well. I have no focus, no drive, no idea what direction I should go in. I don't put too much meaning in my life. 

At least I'm still clean. I'm grateful for that. 

I used my mother's Amazon prime account to buy a book about happiness. She asked me if everything was alright. I told her I was a little depressed. We talked some. I started to cry and had to hang up. 

I haven't cried in quite a bit of time. It's therapeutic, but I'm still sad. I called back. She said she thinks I'm deficient in vitamin d. (I don't get outside much). She also said I've isolated myself. (I don't have a chavrusa or any close friends where I am). 

How nice would it be if my depression is a result of vitamin d deficiency. 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to try thinking my way out of this. This has never worked for me. But if I do nothing... Then the only possible result is nothing. 

It's crazy how dishonest I've been. I tell people yes, I'm fine thank you B"H. Inside, I'm living a life of quiet desperation. I lie by omission constantly. People would rather not know I think.  

I'm going home for a bit, partly because of my conversation last night, perhaps it will do me good. Gosh, I hate being such a mess.

Depression is the pits - and then you feel guilty for being depressed. As an aside vitamin deficiency can exacerbate depression so taking normal doses of vitamins can only help.

Maybe instead of thinking, get on a treadmill. Exercise is a major mood lifter. After that you will iyh to be able to think more objectively. I pray you get relief soon. We are here for you.

Wow I feel for you bro, maybe you have some of that delicious self pity that we all like to fall into from time to time.  


Maybe talk to a friend or someone you trust about what you feel, you must work it through my friend, I KNOW we don't want to dig through the garbage but we must if not how can we have a clean room????

I don't know your situation and I don't consider myself an expert but I can tell you from life experience that talk to a friend will do wonders!

Stay strong

Just realized something nice. In the past 68 days I've "only" acted out once. Obviously that once is once WAY too much... but still it's a nice thought. 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 15 Mar 2017 16:11:

Ah, at least someone else shares my slump of a week!

I was sitting in a 5-min shiur of halocha at our work minyan, half in, half out of it. At the end the rov asked if I was OK. And I was like, "meh, egh, ugh."

Not much response, but a little more honest than what I usually say. It's an improvement for me. I wish I could reach out more.