In active addiction I would plug away during 2nd seder. Not a word of batalah. How could I do such a thing?!

I do not understand the question

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 23 Feb 2017 20:36:

It was rhetorical.

Simple and obvious. You had to be extra good in seder. You needed to do somethings that were really truly good in order to counterbalance the horrible choices you were making before, during, and after acting out your lust. Most of us frum masturbaters do that when acting out is a part of our lives.

If we didn't balance it, we'd have an ever harder time acting out. The self-loathing would overcome us.

So in our acting out times, our frumkeit actually enables our acting out and makes us worse. Which is so ironic, for at the time, we were under the impression that our frumkeit was some degree of tikkun for the sins....quite the opposite was true, and Hashem knew this all along (cuz He's not stupid).

We are a hot mess in addiction.

Yep actually had an experience like that (though still think that I am not an addict)

happened about 3 1/2 years ago I did something stupid and used someone else's card to call a chat line a charge came up blah blah blah we all know how it goes.
Anyways the guy whos card I used came to me to discuss it and my chavrusah was there and helped to calm him down.
We went to call the phone company (just me and my chavrusah) to "figure" out when the call was made .....I ended up telling him everything...
One of the things he told me then was that until the conversation in the B"M he had no clue that I even had a problem (something I told the other guy tipped him off) 
He was surprised at first but then said after thinking about it that really it makes sense as knowing me it is not surprising that I can have 2 tracks in my brain and that is why I was able to be super focused when I wanted to be even though I was calling for hours every night and masturbating a couple of times a day at that point (I was so scared to go to the bathroom that's how bad I was)

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 23 Feb 2017 22:11:


Like I said elsewhere, this is a dehumanizing challenge. When we act out it brings out the worst.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 23 Feb 2017 22:11:

Sounds like it's not the bochur who needs help ;-)

But looks like you've actually gotten help! Kol haKavod! Now work step 12.

That story was about 4 years ago I have grown much since then

I have no problem working step 12 just really do not want to do that during 1st seder

Do not think that I am insulted by the responses if anything I appreciated them
Thank you

Have a great Shabbos 

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 22 Feb 2017 19:43:

We all have issues, but let me know what you did about it. I am also learning with someone who want to shmooze but i just do not have patients for that until we finish the Daf and he goes like talking first and afterward when there is still time we can learn something. 

Probably will white knuckle through the rest of the zman but will see....

We are here for you brother...try to have the honest conversations with yourself to start to get past the white knuckling and into a more stable place where you know its not what you are really needing... which you do know.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 25 Feb 2017 21:27:


Meaning about the chvrusah situation

B"H no need to white knuckle with the lust issues as of today.....

Thanks for the chizuk GS

BH
Was going to ask but I assumed
We should call getting through real life something else.

Day 70

Thank you all for makin this possible, now