It has been a few days for me. Three to be exact. It hasn't been so hard because I have been utilizing this website. But I am not naive, I know this will be hard. There will be moments that are difficult. But i guess I can report one encouraging thing. A girl who I have been in a relationship with broke up with me again after trying to be together one more time. The last time 7 months ago when we broke up, I got so depressed and fell into such a funk, and then me turning to my bad behaviors did not help (and that was after around 25 days of not submitting to my urges). This time around, and maybe it was Hashem having rachmanus on me, I was ready and went on this website which put things into perspective.
So I guess the question is why am I doing this. One reason is for the depression, which hits me everytime I submit to lust. Another, the double life I am living and the guilt I feel by presenting myself one way. A third and important one can be for me to be mentally healthy when I meet my bashert. But MOST IMPORTANTLY the reason I take this plunge is to cleave to Hakadosh Barach Hu. For all my life I have felt a closeness with Hashem which got strained and strained more by my actions and by the tragedies of my life. I want to come closer. I have studied a lot about teshuva, and there is a huge difference between Teshuva mYirah and Teshuva mAhvah. From the time that this addiction started the real reason I wanted to do Teshuva is because of the punishments Hashem might give me. Now I realize the way to truely do proper teshuva it is out of love and trying to be close with Hashem. Look at 86b of Yoma (my favorite mesechta) Hashem just wants you back. I have said that to many people in my explanations of teshuva. BUT I must say it to myself. This plunge hopefully will help me maintain that goal even though I know it will be hard and there may be setbacks, I am ready to go back to Hashem who will (kiveyachol) be waiting with open arms.
I know that there are a few issues on the horizon that might trip me up, some of them are finals that are coming up in a few weeks in college, and because of the stress might tempt me to go to old habits. But I also know there are events and things that will happen that I am unaware of but could trigger me, so I must prepare. I have a filter and someone close to me has the password. I am in the middle of getting one of the accountability software. I've been finding time for exercising.
There is a reason why I picked today and not Thursday (like I previously thought I would). 3 month from now (including the three days it took to sober up) will be Purim. Purim is one of my favorite holidays and has a lot of significance to me with certain tragedies that happened in my life (I guess I will talk about that at another time). But also I love Torah on Purim. There are a few areas of Torah that I love, Yoma, anything to do with kehuna (I am a kohen) and Purim. One of my projects when I was in 10th grade was learning (with artscroll) Midrash Rabbah on Migilat Ester. I love it so much that I gave a 15-week chabburah last year in Yeshiva on it (which coincidently started around now last year). So I want to go to Purim feeling accomplished and hopefully that will just be one of the many motivators I need to attain my goal and continue to my new goals.
OK this is getting a little long, but I think I want to end with some Torah from Midrash Rabbah (and maybe try to do that at the end of every post). The midrash (in the petichta seif Yud) says a whole list of people and why Hashem put them in this world at the time he did. Adam was to be created Kayin the first ot murder, Hevel the first to be murdered, Noach first to be saved. All the way to Acheshveyrosh and Haman who were the first to sell a nation and buy one. But what I think is relevant is the question on this Midrash. What about bichirat chofsheyt (free will)? Hashem was setting up Kayin to fail! I think the answer is that the Midrash never says that Kayin was supposed to murder in a sinful way, maybe his tafkid in life was to kill someone who was going to be a rodef or someone who needed to be killed. He took his kochot (strengths) that Hashem gave to him and used it for jealousy. With us, and me, we may think lust is something that Hashem has given us to trip us up. But really he is giving us the strength to use that drive for whatever tafkid he sent you here for. I hope I and anyone reading can eternalize that.
Until next time...
