Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 06 Dec 2016 13:35:

I find that doing actions of love and care towards others makes me feel whole on the inside and I don't need to resort towards porn. Some practical applications can be taking out the garbage, washing the dishes, cleaning the room, calling an old friend, volunteering, learning with someone who could use a boost, etc.

It doesn't keep me sober but it definitely helps with my quality of life. I am fortunate that all of my jobs that I have are directly helping sick or mentally ill people but I sometimes forget that it's actually helping, not just making money/running a branch of an organization.

Thank you, Cord and Shlomo:
"I needed to change my insides."
"I find that doing actions of love and care towards others makes me feel whole on the inside and I don't need to resort towards porn. Some practical applications can be taking out the garbage, washing the dishes, cleaning the room, calling an old friend, volunteering, learning with someone who could use a boost, etc."
I think I understand this part of your posts.

Going to streaming videos is LARGELY an escape. So, if I work on doing things that will make me feel whole and good on the inside, in my real life, then I won't be so tempted to go on the computer to get some substitute good feeling, in a phony, plugged in, computer watching/matrix, fake life.
-------------------------------------
This just in: 
I told my wife about Cold Turkey take 2 and she said that it has to/should include strict time limits on the computer too. Man, as if it's not going to be hard enough!
But, upon thinking about it, she's right.
I need to be living my life, and just fit in the time I am on the computer AROUND my life.
This will be very difficult. 
NO computer when I am supposed to be working, learning, sleeping, davening.
Wow...as I write it, my heart is racing. 
It feels awesome...the right move...but I'm not ready. 
It will be nearly impossible.
And what if I "cave in" and decide to go on the computer...
I would have to put in the password,
and once I do that, I am just a click or two away from being able to see porn. 
That sounds a little risky. 
But maybe I could do it.
It may/probably will get easier with time.
My wife said I should restart my count at 0.
She's nuts.
But I am going to try the time limits.
Scared.
Cold Turkey take 2 is already tough and I'm just starting today!
NO, I am not restarting my count...
which is for clean from porn, masturbation, and wasted seed...which tend to go together.
Bottom line for chart is one thing: no conscious waste of seed.
If I make it too difficult or complicated, I will severely hinder my chances
of getting to 90-days and breaking free.
Wow. 

How about a filter/monitoring/not having the password? It's not the answer but it might help.

Also, focusing on what you can't do makes it very hard. Can you focus on something positive that you ARE going to work on? I know it's very hard to replace the streaming videos, etc. any hobbies? Reading, writing Torah?

Why do you need the escape?
(Please....three sentences or less.)

cordnoy wrote on 06 Dec 2016 01:45:

I will have my secretary check my schedule.

Another clean day.
The time limits are going to be amazing!
I got the best sleep last night...largely because the computer was not an option.
Also, WAY better conversations with my family.
I put streaming videos back on, though...for the small amount of time I am allowing
myself time to be on the computer. 
Strong bad habit. Not sure about the "escape" thing...maybe just a habitual way of acting...
and not about escape.

We'll see. But if I can keep to the times, that may be even more important
than the streaming videos, as far as getting my life in order.
Also, Cold Turkey sucks. 
Yeah, I'm weak...but I'm growing, and should feel good about the good I'm doing.
Failing at cold turkey doesn't make me feel good.
So, I'm holding off on trying Cold Turkey take 3, until I get stronger.

BTW, while I may be a 6 overall, on the spectrum
(1-3 get over it themselves, 4-8 need outside help, 9-10 are addicted),
I think I may be a 4 1/2 or a 5 on watching porn and masturbating, 
while I'm probably a 7 or 8 or even 8 1/2 on streaming videos.
So, AFTER getting to 90-days, I may try to get to 90-days Cold Turkey - without watching
any streaming videos.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 07 Dec 2016 12:28:

Random question, what is the content of these conversations with your family and who is included in these convos?

Great job on your limiting your video streaming.

I can relate very strongly with you. I have a very similar challenge with sports watching. I had and still do struggle with excessively following sports. This causes 2 issues, 1) the chance of see inappropriate material and 2) a lot of wasted time.

So even if it may seem like a minor issue it still is a matter of importance. I have to add value and real goals to my life. I have to accomplish to give myself a bigger sense of purpose into my life. AKA building up my self-esteem.

This is a big part of my recovery from years of acting out sexually..

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 07 Dec 2016 12:28:

What is your basis for comparison to come up with these numbers? How do you figure yourself a 6 or whatever?

You make it sound like Top Trumps.

To FreshStart: 1 on 1 conversations with my kids and wife. I have a lot more time without the computer.
How their day was, what they like best for lunches, haircuts, shopping, guests for Shabbos, what I want for my birthday, reading bedtime stories. I am just simply being there more instead of the matrix/computer.
To Watson: I do not intend for it to sound like Top Trumps, whatever that means. I also don't intend for it to be controversial or difficult to understand.
Everyone has a yetzer hara, and everyone has to deal with the issue of tyvas nashim, and restraining their sex drive, controlling their eyes and their actions, in order not to waste seed.
Now, that being said, there is a range, a spectrum of severity of how big and major the issue is in one's life, and each individual falls somewhere on the spectrum.

The lower numbers 1-3 are able to deal with the issue and pass the nisayon by themselves. They deal with it, work on it, fall, do teshuva, fall, do teshuva, get married, fall, do teshuva, and seem to get past it. They have plenty of other nisyonos in life, but this is no longer one of their main issues. There is certainly a range of people like this, so I don't think it can be argued otherwise.

Similarly, the middle numbers 4-8 are NOT able to effectively deal with the issue and pass the nisayon by themselves. This subject has eluded them for years, and they are finally reaching out here for help and extra reinforcements. That such a middle group exists can't really be denied. I imagine GYE is full of them.

Then, the higher numbers 9-10 are those that have such an extreme response to this issue that it could take over their lives and destroy them. They must go to a 12-step group meeting and get specialized help for addicts. The fact that Sexaholics Anonymous has meetings all over is evidence that such a group exists.

So, the basis for comparison is how each person has been able to deal with this issue in their lives.
And the reason I figure myself a 6 overall, is exactly as I've said...
it's a combination of a 4 1/2 or 5 on watching porn and masturbating (meaning that I definitely wasn't able to solve this on my own long-term, to the degree that it is no longer an active nisayon, but it doesn't always happen and isn't taking over my life and making it unmanageable),
and a 7 or 8 or 8 1/2 on streaming videos (meaning that I am closer to the extreme of being addicted, without being addicted. I can shut down the computer and decide not to view anything. I can pull myself away from it and live in the real world. But, I have a very strong pull to it, that draws me back, since it has become such a go-to-bad-habit. I didn't maintain Cold Turkey take 2 for even 24 hours! There is always another video to watch, so it easily lends itself to excess. It's barely manageable, but has impeded on the quality of my life, my sleep, my learning, and my davening. I think that I can get a handle on it and reduce the time I spend on the computer. Writing about it here will also help me be accountable.)

There is a spectrum/range of how much this is an issue in one's life, and everyone is somewhere on the spectrum. The only thing that can be argued is where an individual person is on the spectrum. And it's my opinion that everyone gets to decide that for themselves, which number accurately and best reflects where they are at. And I'm a 6.

As a matter of opinion, that is not the only thing that can be argued.
You decided that anybody who is within 4-8, can be cured by reinforcements, and whoever is a 9 or 10 must go to 12 step meetings.

There can be disagreement on both of those assertions.

Workingguy said: "Can you focus on something positive that you ARE going to work on? I know it's very hard to replace the streaming videos, etc. any hobbies? Reading, writing Torah?"
I'm trying to find something, but nothing really seems to fit the bill and be a solid, good replacement.
Living more with my family, learning more, exercising regularly, sleeping more and at set times. 
But, let's be honest, this didn't even last 24 hours, before I turned streaming videos back on!

Freshstart said: "I have to add value and real goals to my life. I have to accomplish, to give myself a bigger sense of purpose into my life. AKA building up my self-esteem." This sounds GREAT...and if you find out HOW to do this, please let me know. I'm interested!

I get home and the me that's talking loudly in my head is the I want to "unwind and relax and have a little entertainment" yetzer hara person. How do I change my reality to be the "accomplish, purpose in life, self-esteem building" yetzer tov person controlling my actions??

Cordnoy: you (and everyone else) are free to disagree. 
But what would you say? 
That 4-8 can't be helped with reinforcements, like those found on this site?
And that 9-10 can be helped without 12-step meetings?
I'm curious to know what you think.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 07 Dec 2016 21:33:

You've already begun accomplishing and adding purpose to your life!!!

You just mentioned how you incorporate yourself into your families lives. Your wife, kids etc. being involved in their day to day activities. This can, and should build a sense of purpose inside of you. You are a competent husband and father. This in turn will bread self-confidence and self-esteem.

You've also mentioned how you have been learning more. Another example of your higher drive to have a fulfilling day.

Keep up the good work that you've been doing. Every day you succeed you are building a new world for yourself. Now would be a good place for a maamar chazal. Anyone out there can fill in.

Hatzlacha!

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 07 Dec 2016 21:38:

Even before I say what I think, it is more important to understand that these issues are extremely complicated, and we do not know facts. There are so many variables.