I just wanted to thank the RBSH"O for helping me get to 50 days!!!
This is the first time in many years that I have gone the entire Elul and aseres y'mei teshuva clean. B'h it's a wonderful feeling to feel normal. Now, the yetzer hara is very sly, so he comes a lot to try to tell me that I was right all along to think that I never had such a big problem with this and therefore I shouldn't waste my time worrying about it so much. Of course I know that the minute I let down my guard I will find myself back where I was.
Amazingly, the more time that goes by in a clean state the less of a battle I find I need to have.
My approach has been basically to completely hand over the pekel of taavos to Hashem and ask Him to deal with it so that I can get on with my life. I say a silent prayer when faced with temptation, I say that ״את האלוקים אני ירא״ and I want deeply to live according to Your Will, yet there is nothing I can do b'teva while being faced with this situation except to hand it over to you and trust that You will deal with it for me. I don't even ask for strength to fight it, rather I ask that He fight it instead of me as I cannot fight it, for if I do I will surely lose. I find that this has really worked and as a result I have felt much closer to Hashem. I have been trying hard to think of my relationship with Him as a young child to a parent, whom it is natural to completely rely upon for almost everything.
I hope and pray for all of our continued recovery and strength in these areas. May Hashem grant us all a year of bracha and kedusha.
