I have set up a great fence to assist me with the help of Hashem. My wife is my accountability partner and gets an email 1 a week listing all of the sites I've visited. With this, there is no secrecy or hiding in the dark. Amazingly, I have felt a compulsion to not look at women. Strangely it wasn't something I consciously decided to do. In the past, I had done so, but I definitely considered it through thought.
I pray often that the Almighty would create the freedom for me to see women no different than men. Will this come to be? I don't know. But, reading of Rebe Nachman, I have evidence it does. And I am confident that through perseverance Hashem will graciously assist me.
I am also realizing that it is not just porn of women alone. I am addicted to sex. It is something, if I am not caution, that will consume my mind. Being molested at the age of 5 and later at 7 really created a detrimental desire for that time forward that has grown and grown over the years. It had grown to the point that I allowed a man to give me oral sex (I hope that isn't too graphic). I wasn't and never have been attracted to men, but the desire for that pleasure had me imprisoned to that extent.
After turning away from rejecting the existence of a God I began praying for a wife, believing this would satisfy this hunger. Yet, I found it was not sufficient. I envied Yoseph for his strength to flee because I knew I was imprisoned and in slavery to obey my master had such an event arrived in my life.
Reading emails of Rambam and learning of the middle path we are to attain to and the steps one must take to reach this place, I understood/understand in a small way that I cannot reach this place unless I go to the extreme opposite of what the yetzer has chained me to.
