Greetings.  Here I am, eruv R'C Keslev and I am proud to say that I made it through the whole month of Cheshvan clean.  Its been a while that I can remember making it through a whole month clean.  I am getting a little nervous now as I am approaching the time that my wife will be asur for the next 2 weeks or so.  I am hoping and davening that the next few weeks will be successful.  The problem is that I've said the same several times in the past.  Any suggestions would be grateful.  I have been reading the daily emails for a year now, but obviously that's not been enough.  I do have filters installed on my computers and I will try to visit this site more often when I get bored or anxious (as opposed to senseless google searching as in the past). 

kol hakavod holy brother! keep it up, and welcome home!

Hey Stuart,

A fellow warrior here with you. Mazel tov on your month clean! Just keep busy and remember it's only for two weeks. Two weeks is nothing compared to the two years+ that unmarried yeshiva guys have to go for, right?

I recently checked the archives to dig up one of my first posts on this site as I obviously haven’t kept up with my thread.  Here we are again erev RC Kislev and thought this would be a good time to update what went on the past year.  (I’m not sure the significance of the date, but its getting some exposure with me). 
My road to recovery this past year was not as great as expected with several ups and downs.  One particular area which captured me this past year was using my blackberry for bad.  Even though I had it for 2 years without being tested, it got to me.

Nevertheless, since this past summer I made some serious attempts to change for the good.  Some new innovations I have been doing include;
• Joining a 12 step phone conference
• Reaching out to other people in a similar matzav
• Read Garden of Emuna
• Read Garden of Peace
• Cancelling internet service on my phone
• Getting google.com off my home page
• Filter out youtube on my work computer
• Making a kebala not to look at youtube videos on my home computer if there’s no one else around without contacting someone first.

All of the above sounds nice and is essential for me, but I am coming to realize that seriously working the 12 steps is most crucial.  This helps me to have better emuna and to get closer to Hashem on a daily basis.  I am starting to recognize and be aware of my character flaws and learn to respond differently.  Most importantly, I constantly need to remind myself to humbly ask Hashem to remove my weaknesses and make me better.

The last few months have seen much improvement for me, B’H.  I still have my occasional battles, but not as severe as before, bli a”h.    I`m also trying not to get so hung over the quantity of days sober, but more the quality of it.

I will try and keep this updated before next erev RC Kislev, and hope to post some positive anecdotes as they arise.

Stuart, u r doing fine brother, just keep tight with the 12 step call, it does wonders, and all this things u mentioned show a major progress so don't look urself down, just keep it up , throw that anxiety away, its not ur job to worry for 2moro, u will ask hashem 2moro for that
Just be aware of what's going on in ur life and learn to be on top, the unclean days can be harder I know, but a solution could be to make a special schedule for that 2 weeks, maybe push in 10 more minutes a day of chovas halvuvas or pela yoets, they r all perfect for us and on top of all that, reach out as soon as the urge kicks in b4 it takes u over
I will daven for u

Stuart,

Please please keep posting. I am only 5 days into my new clean streak but there is a qualitative difference this time around. I used to think I would come to GYE when I was slipping, or falling or close to either and it would solve my problems. Now, I come at least once a day (sometimes numerous times a day) and I am really trying to make myself a part of this inspiring community. I feel stronger, more capable of actually succeeding this time. Further, my first urge when I get home late at night is to catch up with old friends on GYE - not to hang out with the p** and shmutz that I used to come home to.

This is an amazing place. Please make yourself a part of it.

Now for the full disclosure: I'm being completely selfish. I get chizuk from your story and from watching you succeed and I need you to keep posting... we all do.

Hatzlacha Bro.

I second that. I can learn a lot from you so keep posting! Mobile internet is so dangerous. I had an iphone and I started to abuse it all the time so I sold it. I have also found that webchaver accountability on my laptop has eliminated all improper use of it. If I want porn, I'm going to have to look at it on a public computer. It's not a solution but its made it dramatically easier for me to be clean.

Last night my I was waiting and waiting for my wife to finish getting ready for us to go out.  I was ready, the babysitter was there, but some women just take a long time to get going.  Finally she says come on lets go already (as if its my fault were late).  As were going into the car my son calls her to say there's a phone call.  She quickly runs to take it, and I am thinking she will return in a second.  As I am waiting in the cold car, its taking longer and longer and she's not coming out.  The old me would go bursting into the house, slam the phone down, and forcefully grab her into the car.  This would ultimately set up for an unpleaseant night out. 

Instead I gave her the benefit of the doubt, maybe the call was about a shiduch she's working on and she must take it.  So instead I just humbled myself, stayed in the car and responded to an email as a distraction.
She came back a few minutes later, and was pleasantly surprised how I didn't react.
It didn't end up being an important call, but that didn't really make a difference.  A confrontation would have likely started a chain reaction of bad stuff and possibly acting out for me later on.

Nice post! I also think you have a smart wife there, to notice what you HADN'T done.

I'm often able to give don l'kaf zchus, or so I think, but I still go around moping like a wounded puppy dog hoping she'll notice how good I've been. (Especially when I find out my fears/instincts about her actions were well-placed, and she WAS taking a trivial phone call -- on PURPOSE.)

If she noticed your good behavior, and said something, which then reinforced it for you, she's a smart woman. She's breaking a cycle in a way that we guys in that same situation probably can't.

Whaddya think?

Stuart I'm proud of u, that's some awesome progress, KOT
The results will come soon, I promise, listen I'm talking from 1st hand experience

Wow. Giving up really is the best way to win, after all. Thanks for the sweet example you are setting for me and the rest of us, Stuart.

Briut wrote on 07 Nov 2010 19:46:

I still think I've got a lot of ground yet to cover.  That was probably one exception where I acted correctly.  Today for instance, she was having a rotten day and I was getting mad at her for taking it out on me, which of course got her more mad at me.  Well at least I am recognizing the sensitive areas and/or my faults and hopefully will respond different the next time.

On a more positive note, this past Shabbos as I was leaving shul, I couldn't help notice a very attractive lady close by.  Since I was waiting for my kids to be ready I was about to take a third look, before I stopped myself (yes I did take a 2nd look, but she was dressed so tzisndik, what could possibly go wrong??).  As I turned away I was thinking that my wife waiting for me at home is more pretty than this lady whom I don't even know.  Besides she is caring for my children, cleaning the house, and preparing a seuda for me, as well.

Similiar thoughts went through my mind later on when I heard that the cute neighbour was visiting my wife.  Initially I got a slight excitement, but Hashem helped me to just say Good Shabbos, and only keep my mind on my wife. 

Hi Stuart.  Two weeks is a very long time.  it's 60x24x14=20,160 minutes.  Now if I yield to the yh it takes about five seconds till I'm gone.  so 20,160 minutes x60 seconds = 1,209,600seconds in two weeks.  And if I can go at any second, and it takes about 5 seconds to lose my mind, my bris, then there are about 1,209,600/5=241,920 opportunities for me to go south. 

But...one day at a time, Be"H, GYE, I've got 60x60x16 awake hours=57,600seconds/5seconds=a mere 11,520 opportunities to fall in just one day.  Who can handle even one day? 

Only der Tatte.

One day at a time. 

Hatzlacho

Just to claify, the post written about two weeks was written a year ago.  Since then I am convinced that I am just as vulnerable when I am together with my wife. 

I do subscribe to the one day at at a time theme. Too many times I've erroneously looked to the future and think on such and such day I will be x # days clean.  The y'h is very tricky and unpredictable.  It could get to you even when your on a long clean streak and things are going great.