Today is my 20th day sober, and by far the hardest day to stay clean. I feel like I might fall at any second,
any advise would greatly be apreciated.

Thanks.

20 days, that's amazing Phillip!

You feel you might slip, but remember - you're the son of the king. Should the king's son wallow in the mud where all the lowest goyim spend their lives and eternity ? Think of all the low-lifes who desire these things. What could already be so good about it, if the lowest of the low desire it?

Look in a mirror. See yourself in third person, from the outside, as if you were looking at someone else who desired this. Feel bad for him. And think to yourself "Do I care what someone else wants?" Be mechazek the Jew in the mirror, and tell him that it will pass. Life is just a dream. And if you hold out for a litle bit, the urge will pass. Trust me. It seems hard to believe but it is true!

As a last resort, there's the two "Turn Off Pages". See Tip #11 on this page.

One of the previous Karlin Rebbe's was once served an expensive dish of cooked pigeon. When he felt he was being pulled after the desire to eat it, he stopped himself and began to think about all the places the bird hung out, in garbage, in excrement. And he thought about the things the bird ate, worms, insects, until the Rebbe began to gag and pushed away the plate.

This is a segulah when desperate.

Davka when the struggle is hard and all seems dark, that's when you are shooting up to the highest madregos. You just don't feel it, but it's an opportune time to ask hashem for whatever you need. Call to him for help. He is right next to you.

"Jack" once posted:

in order to really live, we must kill ourselves. sound like an oxymoron? well it's a chazal that everybody knows. Horotze lichyos, yamis es atzmo! and for ANY addict, not succumbing to the temptation is like dying. And no one wants to die alone, right? We need someone to be there with us. Well, we on the forum are with you while you 'kill yourself'. but it's really living. The alcoholic says 'if i don't have another drink, I'm going to die'. But in reality, that next drink will kill him.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Its just that whever I feel like I might fall I feel high. I feel like its as if I am on a drug or something right before  I look at dvarim asurim.
I dont know why but I just get so excited about the avera.

The way I see it (and I say this from experience) is that when it seems the hardest to continue, is the day you are entering a new level.

The Yetzer Hara desperately wants you to fail on that day, as the higher  you climb, the harder he has to work to make you fall.

Think of it as "growing pains" and  remind yourself how awesome you are (after all you are Hashem's child!)

The 30 seconds of pleasure will only cause you endless pain and grief in this world and  the next, so it simply aint worth it my dear brother.

Chazak V'Ematz!

dear philip - my hardest days were days 1 - 70 approximately. they were the most difficult days i ever spent in my life.gaurd even thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown.but since he couldn't see me, he could only guess from my posts.but i pushed, but i couldn't have done it alone.i wrote to guard every day, i called mevakesh, i called elya, i felt like i was dying. and i was, i mean my yetzer hara was dying.so put your head between your knees, and brace yourself for the rough ride ahead.this is exactly the way hashem planned it to be.if it was easy, i would be suspicious.how are you going to get reward? for taking it easy? will your boss pay you if you goof off?

by the way, i'm in my sixth month clean. jack

dear philip, first of all, listen to uncle mevakesh - he knows what he's talkin about.

2nd of all, what do you mean when you say 'you dont know why you feel high when you look at dvarim asurim'? it's because hashem planted in you a desire so you would want to have kids.  AH - i know, you want the desire to only be there for your wife, and removed from everywhere else. well, the anshei kneses hagdola already had that idea - and as a result, the chickens stopped laying eggs. so you're going to have this desire, you're going to derive pleasure from it, simply because that's the way THE BOSS (as in all for the boss) wants it. jack

Thanks Jack.

Philip: Jack did it, and it was not easy for him. YOU TO CAN DO IT!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Dear Phillip, the high you feel before falling is a typical symptom of the addiction. This is well known, and that is why there are withdrawal symtoms at first when you don't give in. The typical symptoms are a rush of adrenalin, sweaty or clammy palms, a quickened heart-beat and a lack of "clear thinking". This is what happens in an addiction, and when you feel any of these symptoms, smile to yourself and say I recognize this, it is the symtom of my disease. And tell yourself: I have it in my power to cure myself. It is all in the mind.

If this doesn't work, do like Jack once said (Chizuk e-mail #390):

Get a sponsor who you can call anytime and call him when you feel the urge coming on. Put your head between your knees and brace yourself. Bite into a sponge, go into a room where no one will hear you and scream your head off. Hit your bed with a tennis racket. Take a hammer and bang nails into some wood. I assure you, the urge will pass.

Even better, meditate. Slow down your thinking, concentrate on your breath. The urge will pass.

But yes, it will be back.

Do one, or all, of these things every time you have the urge. I am extremely serious. Call up your sponsor, first tell him you don't hate him, and then scream at him! You have to get rid of the urge somehow in a permissible manner. I used to get rid of it by masturbating, then I found the forum, and with it, I found a dedicated sponsor, Elya K. I wonder if his ear still works after all the things I've said to him...

Seriously, try these things.

Thank you all for your encourgement. It really makes it easier.

phillip- remember the addiction is only an illusion. once it is over we are back to the beginning. i promise you this will pass, and the real enjoyment comes from saying no. mastering the temtation is more enjoyable then the action itself. we are with you.

dear guard, as you know, i am approaching 6 months of cleanliness no p or mas-.i am not TOTALLY clean of thoughts, or wandering eyes.i dont know when i will be ready for that.but i still have urges to go to the nearest video store and.... but i dont go.and the reason i dont go is because i know that you and elya and mevakesh will be disappointed.i wish i was at the madrega where i could say that Hashem will be disappointed in me, but i'm not at that level yet. rabbi twerski says that an addict can NOT just stop whenever he wants.it is the support from you and all the others that keeps me going.i thank you all with all my heart and soul. i wish all the other strugglers the best of the best brachos from shamayim. jack

It's always great to hear from you jack. I am looking forward to taking you up to the next Level on the chart in a few days! Don't feel bad that you need support, Rav Amram, the Rebbe of All Chassidim in the Gemara, needed to cry out "Fire" to stop himself. Yiras Shamayim in these areas is sometimes not enough for even the greatest of men. And he wasn't even addicted, so imagine for us!

Always remember jack. We are in your heart and you are in ours.