I really hope I feel better tomorrow. Today was definitely not an easy one. Being sick is the worst. I got very lonely and I was too weak to talk with people. I was tempted to reconnect with someone who used to take care of me when I was sick but BH I didn't. Please, Hashem, heal me so that I'm all better tomorrow and so I can do Your will with strength.

Hi NOYA,

I just saw your thread for the first time and read through parts of it. You have really gone through some tough situations and have grown tremendously.

Refua Sheleima and KUTGW!!!!!

Gevura!

noya, wishing you a refuah shelimeh

Feel better buddy!!  :'(

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm still out of it. I wish I would just feel better already. I'm so lethargic, have a monster sore throat, and I guess I was feeling resentful for feeling so crappy for almost a week now. I also had a major financial disappointment that I was not expecting at all that threw me for a curve. Some friends of mine got hit with the same thing. Who's in charge up there?!

I really hope this isn't supposed to be like an increase of difficulty on God's part, testing me to see if I still can stay sober under these conditions. I'm sure there's a great reason for all this. We just all gotta accept what happens and put on a happy face. At least the day is nicer now.

I can see in the future a friend calling you.. and he will make everything all better.

Wow, another new year is almost here. Pretty incredible stuff. I'm very excited for the davening and the whole spiritual experience of the holiday, and am going to try to focus on Hashem's malchus as much as I can. I think Steve had a good point - this is where we really focus on letting go and letting G-d. This past year was not bad. There were some disappointments, a lot of successes, and a lot of failures. I want this coming year to be great! Most of the greatness comes from internal attitude rather than what actually happens.

I hope everyone has a fantastic new year and a really meaningful holiday!

A belated amen - hope your rosh hashana was great!

How are you doing?

Hey SB, thanks for checking in. Things are going well overall. I was just doing some tedious chore right now and BOOM, there's my old girl on my Gchat list. Her status was "Available only for NOYA". Arggh! I went invisible after a few minutes, but that was just out of nowhere.

Otherwise, things are great. I had a wonderful holiday, and I'm committed to 90 days as a Rosh Hashana Kabalah, and part of my 90 days is not communicating with her. Even when she throws herself at me like that. So hard.

I think gmail has an option to block specific people.

Now she actually chatted to me, so I responded, and it turns out the whole thing was supposedly a misunderstanding. Supposedly she had that status on for a long time and just happened to be on now, etc. Whatever. We parted ways amicably and with the future understanding that there would be no more online talking or any communication at all. This wasn't clear before because I had just sort of stopped talking to her without telling her. Now we're on the same page. Whew!

I feel that it's okay and not a fall because she started it and nothing happened and now we're on the same page. I'm so hungry!

To my dear friend NOYA;


Keep going!

Keep glowing!

Keep GROWING!

Okay, I'm home now. There's a lot to watch out for with regards to potential conflict in the home. I have a feeling that there's going to be at least one big fight over the few days I'm home and I am a bit worried about that. I have to be fearless, though, and have bitachon that it will be okay. I also have to remember that I have to just be silent and let it blow over rather than fight back. I'm worried about a confrontation about my life plans as well. Everything will be fine because Hashem watches over everyone.

The issue is that I feel that I want to learn for the next two years or so and get married in that time. Certain people in my family have made it abundantly clear that I'm expected to get a job pronto and they constantly ask about my progress in a job hunt. I haven't really brought up my life plan because I fear the thunderstorm that will surely immediately follow. I want to live my own life but I'm afraid of being disowned basically. This uncertainty is making me uneasy and is making me lust of course. I gotta be strong and go talk to God. I also have to make sure I only use my laptop while I'm home.

I find that the more uncertain i am, the more difficult it is for me to stay calm in the face of other's complaints. The more certain i am of what I want, what my plans are, and that they're right, the easier it is for me to hear others out, and remain calm no matter how nasty they are.

Okay, good news! I made it through yomtov in one piece, without getting into any fights at all and while keeping everyone pretty happy! The bad news is that just now my old girlfriend sent me another message about how she couldn't resist anymore and needed to talk to me. I felt bad and shmuzed with her for about forty five minutes. Not a great idea. We ended off the conversation with her asking to be kept informed about my romantic life, and me telling her that I'd rather not keep her informed. I don't think she liked that too much, but I think she needs to get the message that we're not buddy buddies anymore. I shouldn't have responded to her altogether, and now I took silentbattle's advice and blocked her. I'm in a new life trajectory now, one that doesn't have room for her in it.

I feel so good right now overall because I'm at an all time high in my number of days. I feel less perverted, like all the messed up fantasies I used to have just aren't appealing to me anymore. I told my old girlfriend that too and she was happy about that for me. I hope I inspire her to do the same. I realized through this run so far that all of the fantasies and perverted stuff I liked was all a corruption of the one true desire every man and woman has - the desire for intimacy with another person who loves you more than anything and vice versa. Someone who cares deeply about you and cherishes you and just completes you. All the other garbage, whether it be porn or masturbation or whatever, is just a corruption of that basic desire we all have and they never will satisfy that basic desire we all yearn for. I feel like Solomon now. Sof Davar Hakol Nishma style. Have a good night, everyone, and thanks for the insights, SB!