Hey everyone,

My name is NOYA and I'm here to perform a mind dump.

I am 20 years old and a good boy overall. I discovered pornography and masturbation at about age 13 or so. I got very into both of those things and etched those neuron pathways good and deep. I found out that both of these things were sins at age 14 but couldn't stop. It's been that way ever since. I've tried to stop, but just couldn't.

When I was in Israel I met a mashgiach from a yeshiva who claimed that if you stop masturbating for 40 days then you will have stopped the habit. I made it to 40, but it didn't work.

I made it to 40 several more times, but every time I failed I got depressed and guilty.

This year in yeshiva is my strongest year ever. So far I've had a 42 day campaign, followed by a 33 day campaign (which was on the GUE list), and now I'm on Day 6 of another campaign. And now that I'm on the forum, I hope to get lots of support from my holy brothers here, and to give lots of support to others as well.

Although I have not made it to Day 90, I've assembled a list of things for other people to learn from that work for me. There are 3 categories:

Physical
The base level of trouble with regard to masturbating is by physically stimulating the milah. Obviously touching the milah in a sexual manner, deliberately to excite is problematic, but even just casually rubbing or flicking or whatever can be problematic. Therefore my first rule is never to touch the milah ever under any circumstances. Also, if a certain body position is associated with masturbation you must avoid it. For example, I psychologically associate lying on my back with this aviera, so I make sure to never lie on my back.

Visual
The handbook talks about this and it's pretty poshut, but you have to do your best to stay away from any and all inappropriate visual contact with anything. Thank G-d I don't have an issue with the internet because I have a great filter, but one glimpse at an attractive woman can set me haywire sometimes if she strikes me a certain way.

Therefore, one must avoid woman in general and if you must go out, make sure to enter "low-scan mode." That means to lower your gaze so you can see in front of you about 5-10 feet, so you don't see woman from far away. And this way you might see legs, but since it's winter time that's not so bad.

Mental
Hirhurim come and go even to the greatest of people. You can't feel bad about the fact that you get hirhurim because everyone does. The aveira is to continue thinking about it. The way to deal with hirhurim is to distract yourself with other things.

THE BIGGEST YESOD IN FIGHTING THE YETZER HARA IN GENERAL IS TO REALIZE THAT HE IS STRONG AND YOU ARE WEAK. How does one win a battle like that? By running away. Every time you feel a battle coming you MUST distract yourself immediately. For me, learning or reviewing math helps distract me a lot.

Now then, I'm here to make it Day 90, but I find the following problem comes up every time. The way I see it there are essentially two levels of taivah status - Level 1 and Level 2.

Level 1 taivah is the status you get in when a thought goes into your mind and you casually think about it a little, or you might see something that excites you, but you're not "gone." You can still control yourself and distract yourself, and all that. I have no problem with dealing with Level 1 intrusions - All you have to do is distract yourself and you win (as mentioned before)!

But when I get into higher numbers, like in the high 40's, I get something that I call Level 2 taivah, or "structural taivah." I feel like my whole body is locked into taivah "mode" and no matter what I do, and I think I've tried absolutely everything, I just can't shake it.

I've distracted myself for hours to no avail, I've begged Hashem to help me and to take away the taivah, I've called Rabbeim to help, but it always gets me in the end after I'm Level 2. I still don't really know how I'll deal with it when it will come around day 45 or so, but I have 40 days until I have to gear up for that.

Anyway, I've blabbed forever. Wish me luck everyone and hatzlacha to all of you!

Welcome Noya and of corse we will wish alot of hatzlacha. I think your post was a grwat although slightly vivd, but thats upto the moderators to decide. Interestingly enough alot of waht you wrote is Halacha.
This is all open in halachah. Good for you for being mechavin.
Anyways we are all here for you on your journey and if you ever fel the goings getting tough just stretch your hand out and some loving brother will hold it and help you through it.
HATZLACHA!!!

What a beautiful and holy Yid! Your words are so inspiring!

I would normally post my standard welcoming post, but it seems you know about the filters and the handbooks. Welcome to our community! Do you get the daily Chizuk e-mails?

I like how you described level 1 and level 2. It is true. But it is precisely at level 2 that the secret of the 90 days kicks in... Your Rabbeim didn't know how deeply this addiction was ingrained, so they suggested 40 days... That indeed can get you past a level 1 addiction. But you have a level 2 addiction, which means you need 90 days to break that level 2 taivah. And that is where the real test lies. You need to bite that bullet and not give in, even if you feel like you will die. And I promise, you WON'T die. It takes a certain level of messiras nefesh, but when a person is ready to go to that length even when the pain gets to Level 2 and he refuses to give in, Hashem often gives us special siyata dishmaya and releases us from the powerful grip of the addiction.

So will you take that leap of faith? From what I read here, you are a powerfully spiritual person. You can do it! And we'll all be here to hold your hand.

May Hashem be with you!

NOYA,

Welcome to the family!
Your post is really inspiring, and I see that much thought and effort has already been put into your fight for sobriety.

Your system spells everything out so clearly and may really help others.
And thats what its all about; giving and getting,
and getting through giving!

Welcome aboard and we cant wait to celebrate 90 days with you iyH!

Welcome to the Forum, NOYA, and good luck.

Thanks everyone for all the support! So today is Day 7. I'm feeling great today! I dominated seder and shiur today and feel awesome about that, had a nice mussar seder, just had a good class. Basically I'm having a great day today, thank G-d. I know that days like this should be a piece of cake, so hopefully I'll be fine. Just got to keep busy...

As I go through this campaign I'm trying to come up with a list of reasons why pornography and masturbation are so bad within the larger context of marriage.

I understand why pornography is bad. It's bad because:

1. It sets up totally unrealistic expectations for how your wife should look, and as a result, you become totally unsatisfied with your REAL life with her.

2. It's addictive, and therefore can take over your life, leaving you with no time to do important things. Even if it's not time consuming, it occupies your mind constantly if you're involved even somewhat.

3. Because Hashem said so.

But as for masturbation, why is it bad besides for number 3? I can't think of "real-world" reasons; I have some more heeby jeeby reasons though. They are:

1. When you mastubrate it prevents you from being interested in anything else besides lust. Learning doesn't appeal to you, nothing appeals to you for someone who is heavily into it. But someone who does it occasionally, I don't think this would be true for.

2. It reduces your energy level? I'm not so convinced on this one - I think it's only true if you think it's true. Since I think it's true, I think it happens to me, but before I read this in the Rambam, I don't think it had an enervating effect on me. So I'm not sure it's true...

3. Hashem said so.

Don't get me wrong, I ain't throwing in the towel, but if anyone has he'aros I woud like to hear!

Hey noya. good question. The way i look at it masturbation brings to lust and lust brings to destruction. That sounds nice and concise but if you want a longer version you can get it from Guard. He'll give you links of storys that will show you just how bad all these things are.
Het this is the way alcoholics think and we know where it gets them. the same goes for lustaholics. Really.

Day 8 was pretty good. I didn't have too much difficulty today. Nothing much else to report.

Day 9 is going well so far. I was wondering about something I probably shouldn't be thinking about, but do women have the same addiction to pornography that men do? I thought women were not so lustful like men so how does that work?

NOYA wrote on 18 Nov 2009 21:50:


Welcome, Noya.  It's not as common in women but, yes, it certainly exists.  (I don't think it would be productive to dwell on the topic).

Okay,

Today I had a few weak attacks from the yetzer, but nothing Hashem can't handle for me by me just moving on to different topics.

So far so great! Day 10 wrapping up in a few hours, after a nice geshmack night seder where I won't feel like a hypocrite!

Have a good Shabbos everyone in case I don't log on tomorrow. I probably will though.

Toodles!

Hey Noya. Sounds like your doing great. Were really happy for you. Im on day 10 as well. Lets reach the summit together. Good luck , man!

Hey imtrying 25,

Thanks for the support, and good luck to you too! Shabbos is always the hardest day of the week for this, so man up everyone and make sure all your time is accounted for! No napping for me!

Good Shabbos! Day 11 completing...

Good Voch. Hope you had an absolutly beautiful shabbos, noya. Mine was pretty good. Made it without any problems, B"H. Lets keep this going.