We have our first day under our belt, and I am finding that I really like the GYE approach.  The only thing I probably disagree with is the promotion of the 12-Step program, but I really am excited about putting the TaPhiSiC method to work!  I am fleshing out the details of my Nusach.  Inspired by the "emergency turn off" photos, I decided that I would collect such photos that could be used as emergency turn off..(of a much more revolting nature), and want to even combine that with a horrible smell to really snap me out of it.    So I want to say that I will look at these pictures and smell some horrible smell as one of the things that I will do when an urge comes on.  

  Tomorrow, I am supposed to go to a SMART recovery meeting -- (a different approach from the 12-Step programs).  I have never been to one before so it is new for me:
www.smartrecovery.org/

I am not making a SMART recovery endorsement, because I don't know enough about it to do so, but this is what I am trying.  I will keep you posted!

 

The SMART meeting sounds like a great plan. Go for it.
As far as the smells and pictures go, just don't get too sick. The pictures make me snap out of my cravings 95% of the time.  I have tried the smells and pictures idea and it kinda works. I am trying to let HaShem open my ears to his voice. But I just don't want to listen at the moment.. So right now, I'm trying to beat myself. I think I am too busy trying to beat myself and my yetzer hara, And once I make back him down a bit. I hope I can focus on what HaShem sends my way.

Keep your new friends and family posted.

I have been often at that place where I don't want to listen to HaShem.  What I like about Judaism over Xianity is that there are good, frum Rabbis like Pliskin and Twerski who are leaders in understanding the psychology behind our behaviors.  Especially when I was involved in Xianity, the guilt, shame, and having to "go to confession" to a priest..Oy! I could go on!

I find that reading from the above mentioned Rabbis help me to get out of that "beating myself up, guilty mode".
 

I have made it to 3 days, and have realized that a lot of my drive comes from anxiety about practical, day-to-day things, like work / career, uncertainty about the future, finances.  But I haven't addressed those things in a positive way.  In the past I have only been motzi zara Livatala, which feels good at the time, but feels bad after the fact and doesn't solve any problems.

Today I was looking into financial counseling -- something I really need to do!

Yesterday, I had gone to my first session of SMART recovery, and I imagine like SA meetings, each meeting is going to be different depending on the chemistry.  Unlike SA meetings however, you can be the only one in the meeting talking about a sexual addiction, as I was yesterday.  It made me feel a little uncomfortable, when the rest are talking about the "normative" drug/alcohol addiction. 

Still, I got something out of it, although I may try different meetings.

I wish you much success on your journey. Keep throwing various tools at this addiction and I'm sure something will stick! 

I woke up today remembering when I almost drowned as a child, and HaShem saved me, (through my sister who turned around to see me sinking).  It just reminded me that I do have a lot to be grateful to HaShem for even though most of the time I am not.

I wish I had a good week or two that I could just focus on what I needed to get done, but progress was made.  I had a job interview that went...er...sideways so I don't know what will come of it.  Finally filled out my tax forms for 2015, and paid estimated taxes for 2016..(A first for me to do that on time).  Post-Pesach I am supposed to have a financial counseling appointment.  Paid off a debt and put money on another..all and all a good day!

The only negative was that I was so anxious to get things moving that I couldn't really concentrate on work.  This week has been terrible in the work department. 

Went to the library today, and usually my brain  gets into "cruising mode" and I try to sit next to someone I find attractive.  I rarely actually talk to the person, but there is usually a secret enjoyment.  That desire was lessened today.  B"H.

I have had to distract myself with the Emergency Turn Off pictures, and now it is happening that automatically after seeing a picture of a guy in the news that I might find attractive, I see those emergency turn off pics in my head..yuk! but it has been working.

Yea, for day 5, I can't wait for Shabbat!

 

B"H
I had a great Shabbat, which I guess is appropriate for Shabbat HaGadol.  I hadn't been attending a shul, but went to a synagogue a couple of towns over.  I was debating whether to go at all to Shabbat services, but pushed myself to go.  Admittedly, while I enjoy going, I am intimidated by the fact that my Hebrew reading is very slow and you can't be slow in an Orthodox synagogue!  While I was attending services, a number of Hasidim walked in wearing kapotes and streimels.  I was a bit surprised, as it is not something that you see in Nassau or Suffolk counties.
I was invited over for Kiddush by another synagogue member and didn't leave until after 3 am!

My "smelly" book came in the mail, It is a scratch and sniff guide to NYC.  Definitely a gag, novelty item..(and gag is what you'll do when you smell some of these things).  It is a welcome addition to the Emergency Turn Off pictures. 

I do find that I struggle at times with "gay fantasy", but when I look at the emergency turn off and/or smell from the book, it snaps me into place, and I can ask myself why am I feeling an attraction.

 

Hi, ML. I wish you the best in your recovery. I liked what you said about the difference between Judaism and other religions. Your post about SSA really rang true in my mind. 
Keep it up and keep us posted. 
 

Hi abd297,

     I am reading your signatures (I think that is what they are called), and they are speaking to me in particular today. 

Glad to hear that. These are some of the lines that have really hit me when I first heard/saw them. They all seemed to be speaking directly to me.

We've made it to day 10, and I am happy to be in the double-digits.  While the temptations so far have been like little flies that can be swatted away, now I have to deal with the real-life issues that I was dealing with through motzi zera livatalah.  One of my big issues is that I am a "people-pleaser", and I have a difficult time saying no to anybody, or doing or saying something that I know will be displeasing and start a long discussion. 

Yesterday, I had gone to the church I was attending to give back a to one of the parishioners a religious book that he had lent me.  It is a big time in the church right now because it is almost Pascha, (Orthodox Christian Easter).  My priest left a message for me on my phone telling me that "Diablo", (or the Devil) was coming for me.

I don't think I can have a rational talk with someone who is convinced I am sending myself to hell.

I think I need to make an appointment with a rabbi. and a therapist, hopefully both -- a psychotherapist/rabbi or rabbi/psychotherapist.
 

MeyerLemon wrote on 19 Apr 2016 01:37:

Hmmm.... I like pleasing people too.  I wonder if that's a common thing around here.  Sorry about the diablo episode.  Sounds stressful.  
 

I personally go to a therapist who is also a rabbi. Email me for more details.

I finally sent off my "good-bye" email to the Metropolitan.  (I didn't want to talk to my priest, and my Metropolitan sent me something pastoral).  They were thinking more like the issue was just with my addiction.  That was also why it was hard for me to communicate with them my true feelings, ("people-pleaser"). 

I had the feeling today on the train, and I have had it in the very recent past, a sense of self and of purpose that I have never experienced before.  For me, it is the sense that I am supposed to be Jewish, be married, and be working in languages/writing.  I did get this sense on the Rebbe's birthday, but who knows but Hashem the workings of this world.

It's day 12, and I parshas Re'eh is in my mind as the Metropolitan sent me links to Jews that have accepted JC as the Messiah, and one of them looks very stereotypical with the long beard.  I didn't even bother to click on the links.  I had bought early on into this process Rabbi Tovia Singer's Let's Get Biblical, Vol 1, which I like when it actually gets into the Scriptures.

Unfortunately, I do know a couple of converted Jews that are a part of this church.  It does happen for a variety of reasons, but ultimately, I don't think they know their faith.