Dear Yid, You are right. To really succeed here, we have to learn to live in the moment. This means to ignore the past, ignore the doubts about the future and ignore the fear of failure. I want you to remember well the Yesodos that you learned in this Shiur this amazing Shiur by R' Yisroel Reisman. It's Ok to have dirty laundry. We are here to clean it....

With each time we say "no" to the Yetzer hara, we build a stronger foundation. Eventually, we fully succeed and never go back to it again. The Yetzer Hara's biggest trick in these areas is to make us feel down, dirty and bad about ourselves and give up. Instead, we need to measure our small successes against our failures, and slowly we will see improvement. The trick is perseverance and davening. Ask Hashem to help you give him your heart. You have no idea how priceless it is each time you say no... Ultimately, you will succeed.

I now have come to the conclusion that falling or failing ,call it what you want is part of the recovery process.The y'h wants me to give up just b/c out of more than 60 days I have fallen twice.In any other setting that is a phenomenal  average.

That was exactly the lesson of the Chizuk e-mail today and yesterday!

It is brought down in the sefer, menucha v'kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhin, that a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a zaddik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight.  When I read that I was blown away.  We like to think of success in terms of results.  But we know Hashem looks at our efforts.  

I have mentioned in other posts of mine, that I am 31 and have had exposure to porn since 10, and began masturbation at age 12.  It was at age 16 that I woke up and realized this is terrible.  But the more I tried to break loose, the addiction only got worse.  I now find myself battling this problem for 15 years.  It was a year ago, right after pesach that I made a six month streak and then failed.  Here I am 3 months later, after that initial fall getting back up.  I definitely have had my spells of depression.  But I do feel good about the fact that I never gave up.  I tried to always be optimistic.  I picked myself up and started over again.  I think in the past 15 years, the amount of times that I cried, performed teshuva, told Hashem I will never do this again, is too much for me to count.  I do not think more than 3 weeks would ever go by without me feeling I am not doing this anymore.  Many times, I would do teshuva three times in one week.  I would be totally convinced that I am finished for life and go right back to my addiction.  And every time I started over again, I felt I am finished and confident I can win.  So just remember that as long as you are fighting, you are doing fine.  Never, let any incident, no matter how bad it has gotten, get you down.  As Rabbi Reisman said (what a wonderful shiur), guilt is good as long as it builds you.  

Regarding your comment about looking into the causes of the addiction, I very much relate to that.  I have always felt that that is very important to solving the addiction.  This is something I began doing on my own.  I look into both the causes from my childhood and the triggers in my current years.  I was wondering what others on this forum think about that.  Is it important to look into the causes or deal with the behavior itself.  I know different methods of psychology revolve around this question.  What do you guys think of this?  

Wow, that is powerful stuff. I'll make sure to spread that around!

It's a Halacha in hilchos Teshuva that you have to figure out what brought you to failing, and to avoid it in the future. This includes all kinds of things. Like: not being careful where you go/not having a good filter on your computer, being depressed, anxious or unfulfilled, not learning enough Torah and musser, being bored, being alone in your battle and the list goes on and on.
But the power of addiction is very strong by itself -much stronger than all the other factors. So once one is addicted, the main focus has to be on breaking the addiction cycle. Of-course, you can deal with other factors at the same time (a lot of them must be dealt with at the same time in order to succeed) but you have to make sure that it's not distracting you from your main focus -breaking the addiction cycle.




Is there really any room for argument here?
I wonder if you are really referring to the question of how to deal with emotional issues.

One thing is for sure: You are most definitely heading in the direction of tremendous success. I'm very very impressed and inspired by you. You are fighting the y'h with chochma and determination and a very powerful strategy. Your mehalech is the antithesis of the half-measure way - which so often leads to failure and frustration. Hashem should give you tons of hatzlochoh!!!

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!

GettingHelp, do you want to go back up on the chart?

It has been a hard few days.This illness is a cruel and cunning illness.Just when I thought I was doing ok,the y'h attacked in full force.B'H masterbating is not my problem,I have be able with Hashem's help to stop that for a few yrs already.My way of falling is acting out by going online and gettting lost for hours which leads to other things I'd rathert not discuss at the moment.The point is that I really do need to have the guts to call out and say I NEED HELP NOW.Instead of looking for a quick catch all cure,I need to work on a regular basis with my dr.attend the phone meeting and speak wit my Rebbe and sponsor.I always say or write after the fact.It's like I don't even care what I am doing till after it is done.Than I feel like calling out to Hashem for help.I just hope and daven that Hashem gives me the ability to use my G-D given strength to call out before the fact not after.
At thsi point I want to start fresh.If anyone can give me some pointers on how to start the 12 steps I would  greatly appreciate it.

Dear gettingHelp, you need a 12-Step group. Please see www.sa.org and find a group in your area. You are finally willing to admit that the addiction is stronger than you and you are ready for the 12-Steps. But they are not something you just read about. They require developing a whole new way of thinking, and to really work we need to learn to "live" and "breath" a whole new way. But this takes a group to achieve. Please join one in your area, you will not regret it. You will see more progress there than with your Rabbi, therapist, GUE and Dr. combined!

For more info and advice on how to get started, I suggest calling Elya on the Hotline, or writing him at yidvre@gmail.com. Also, Boruch on the forum started joining the groups, and although he was a staunch opponent to them originally, here is what he wrote today:

Anyone who really wants to make the 12 steps work for them can. More than I am a believer in the 12 steps I am a believer in stopping at nothing. Any frum Yid has to know that there is no way forward with sex addiction without full teshuva. Any frum Yid need to understand that the basic and fundamental minimum halachic requirement of teshuva is an absolute and total azivas hachet (leaving the sin), a once and for all, lifetime commitment, to stop for ever. If anyone thinks that half measures will achieve that they are deluding themselves. Anyone who thinks that filters, accountability partners and attending night seder every night and shachris every morning will guarantee that, needs a major reality check.

If my own experience here can be of use to anyone else, I can share with you that when I first signed up here I had issues that needed to be worked out... In my original estimation the 12 steps were not part of that picture. They did not seem to be a good fit (from my own initial perspective at least) and they seemed like more distraction than they were worth.

What changed everything for me was my therapist's advice. For me more important than any ideology is the ultimate goal. And you can't even dream of that if you are not prepared to be very serious. And if you are very serious and you have a therapist who advises you to try a 12 step group once then no matter what you think of them, you will change your question from whether the 12 steps are a fit or not, to how can I make them work for me. With Chasdei Hashem I discovered to my surprise that they can work for even the biggest arch-conservative (like me). But there is one pre-condition. You need to be honest about the absolute life and death necessity to make a total azivas hachet (leave the sin) and do a complete teshuva.

Yes, people say, you have to take it slow etc. etc. I am not going to talk for others right now. I will just speak for myself. I tried 36 years of that and all it did was to get me more addicted than ever. Having been there and done that I can tell you that it is all excuses. 100% excuses. Habo letaher mesayin oso is not just an inspirational saying it is a MASSIVE MECHAYEV. If you aim for total azivas hachet you will be surprised at how much you will be prepared to do, how far you will be prepared to go and how much siyyatta dishmaya you can get. If you go for anything less, the overwhelming odds are that you will spend your time waivering, slipping and falling. Having been there for 36 years I can tell you that it's a horrible place to be. So why not give yourself the break you deserve and go for the Gold. Do it the right way, do it the whole way, it's so much easier, it's so much better.

I know I have no choice,because I CHOOSE LIFE over death.

DAY 1-------I know that I am nothing.Hashem is everything.Will post later in detail.

I confess that the majority of my day is spent thinking of sex and how to act out.This has sapped me of my true self.The 12 steps are right on.I am so powerless to lust.It has prevented me from so amny important,very important things and especially family things.I thought that with rading a new age book on addiction in afew weeks  time I would be cured.Well that is simply a lie,which is something I am quite good at.Don't get me wrong,I m not getting down on myself.just being honest.All of my davening,tehillum,tikkun klali.....others stuff just hasn't stopped me  from falling into the hands and power of the y'h.I need help and I will get help.Today I started reading the 12 steps and will do so regularly.My Dr. will meet with me and discuss a plan using them as well.I am having trouble really letting go and letting G_d.I do realize that I am totally powerless to this illness and only  Hashem can help me.I want to know how do I let go and give myself complety over to Hashem?

Maybe this can shed some light on your question: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/12Steps/12StepsExpl2.asp
But that is not the full picture. Only someone who actually "lives" the 12-Steps can explain it truly to you.

GettingHelp, you are ready for real change. I sense it in your words. But a book is not enough. You need to work the 12-Steps into your life with a group of people who are in the same situation. PLEASE find a SA group close to you and join. You owe at least this much to yourself.

If you need help finding out more about the groups and about the 12 steps, I can try and give you some leads...

For starters, see all of Kookoo's posts (click here and then click on page 1 as well).

Thank you.I will do it.Are phone meetings ok,there are several in my area with times that are easy for me.

Face to face is a lot more powerful. I would try that if you could.

May Hashem bless you to be able to turn your determination into practical success!