Things are BH progressing nicely Im staying clean on a stricter level than before my fall so i have removed more lust from the equation , I am making phone calls everyday , and I am putting in extra effort to treat my wife the correct way .

I am a feeling a little resentment that Im doing these calls , not that its not nice to speak to a warm ,caring ,understanding, person , it's just that it makes me question myself -is there something wrong with me ? am I really such an addict that I have to be accountable to someone else ? etc
Regardless I will press ahead because I know it will help reach the ultimate goal which I want very much to reach

thank you

Even if you are an addict that is not something to be upset about. The important question is whether you enjoy the phone calls.

i-man wrote on 26 Jun 2018 03:40:

I went through the same thing. I called a very special person here on GYE every day for the first 2 months and have kept up since, two or three times a week. At this point we swap divrei Torah on the parsha or schmooze about our families, work, etc. However we both  also know we can use the opportunity to share "this issue" when the need arises. In the beginning I also asked myself, "What's wrong with me?" In fact it was more like "I am a loser that I have to do this." Now, BH I am very proud of myself that I put my shame on the side and did it. In reality I gained a new chaver. But more important, as time went on I stopped being ashamed and feeling "loserish", and started feeling proud and wiser. Look at it like someone that has had medical issues which were embarrassing (bathroom issues for example) who finally mustered up the courage to go to the doctor and now BH has resolved the issue. May Hashem give you continued hatzlocha!

Major Heat wave landing tomorow - To me that means Extra Schar and higher electric bills...
( If I dont Kvetch to my wife about going anywhere she asks me than iI get additional schar )

QUESTION : I'm doing really good -  probably better than ever so why did I have a wet dream last night ? 
ANSWER : I dont know and I dont care I jumped in the Mikva and resolved to to be extra careful on the street this week.

See the other posts about wet dreams. It's actually a cause for celebration. The subconscious has come to realize that you are stopping and wants to get it's "fix". This will slowly recede too.

Hello



My rebbe told me a super inspiring  vort ( might already be in the Torah forum dont know ) from Rav Chaim Shmulevitz :It says that  Hashem changed the briya ( the natural order) in 10 things on the 6th day bein hashmashos one of which was Bilaam's donkey, why - not to save klal yisroel as we see it didnt stop bilaam .. rather it was to try to save  bilaam from sinning to give him an opening to turn back , So if Hashem changed his creation(donkey) 1000 years prior in order to prevent bilaam - a rasha and mushchis- from doing an aveirah , imagine how much He wants us to succeed and the help Hes giving us .



I find this to be particularly relevant to myself - I struggled for years abusing the physical and spiritual gifts Hashem bestowed upon me , and I could not stop I just couldn't and yes I did Daven most of the years at various times and it felt like there was no answer , until the glimmer of hope I checked out guard your eyes  , but alas that too ended up nowhere , eventually I tried again and this time i started getting help and slowly but surely Hashem has given me the roads out with the  help of various GYE tools - and while I have a ways to go -a long way ,it feels like i have been uncuffed , that it CAN be done and THAT I know deep in my heart is because my tears, my begging and pleading ,was answered by Hashem and He is capable of answering anyone when he knows its the right time .



Hatzlacha to all

 

i-man wrote on 04 Jul 2018 03:45:

Beautiful vort. I'm sure it's Toras Emes

As well your personal words - devbarim hayotzim min halev. 

You've turned a new page in your life. An invigorating breathe of fresh air.

Hatzlocha

yiraishamaim wrote on 04 Jul 2018 22:47:

Thank you for your kind words.

the page referance got me thinking - my initial thoughts:
- In the book of life theres no limit to how many pages to write 
- theres no required amount that must be written on each page

Hashem blew into us a spirit of life- Neshama - since it is divine, it is by definition infinite.
Therefore we have really no limits. 
Thus, a person can allow himself to fall so low that he is lower than the beasts of the animal kingdom. He can become so depressed that even medication may not be enough.
However, the opposite is even more possible. We know whatever is true for the negative is many times more true for the positive. We can be so exceptionally happy - just by living correctly and connecting to the Almighty that we are in a elevated state of contentment.  
Many Gedolim have accomplished this. 

We who have sunk into the bitterness of enslavement to lust know also the sweetness of even a little reprieve - another day of sobriety.

If we string along ODAAT a chain of sparkling days of clean living. 
By:acknowledging Hashem, giving our life to him, cleaning up our inner emotional chaos and relationships and assisting others in this very struggle 

What will be the obvious and natural outcome?

A deep-seated inner peace and joy that we never believed we could ever have a shychis to.

Mein Olam Habah

Someone pointed out to me this once and it
seemed true to me so I'll pass it on to you. One is that Hashem is not spiritual. Hashem created the spiritual world and the physical world. Both are finite, whereas Hashem is ein sof, infinite. The Rav who said this said that this was news to
him too. I think the reason is that people think that if it's spiritual it's not physical so it must be infinite (how are we supposed to know?) Not a good inference though.

It is now  4 weeks from when I fell , it was the 1st fall in 10 months , I was nervous that i would run with it and just let go , but Boruch Hashem I was determined to press forward, I opened up to people and to myself , I had to be honest and admit that while I was "clean" from porn and zl I was still full of lust and my big issue was that I still had the bad habit of touching improperly( i know some would consider that a fall i didnt, for me no porn or zl was tremendous this was small beans..) I spoke to one of the good people here and he helped me work out a plan as well as gave me the honor of being able to call every day to be accountable that I am not doing it . At first it was hard i didnt realize that i was still addicted to lust but BH i have been getting by and reaching new heights .
Turns out the fall was a game changer if not for it I would be almost a year "clean" but still to some degree cought in a whirlpool of lusting .
Thank you GYE and all of the amazing people who help me.

I was in a lousy mood  and unhappy with myself so i went ahead and acted in a destructive way ...
pretty stupid there was basically no pleasure anyway, whatever...
Now I have to figure out how to go forward - I beleive my attitude , self esteem ,and level of emunah are all tied into this incident ,i have work on dealing with this and make safeguards for future pitfalls
I am in contact with one of the Heilig malachim of gye .
IY'H this will only be a little bump on the road.
Good shabbos

i-man wrote on 17 Aug 2018 04:41:

Why were you in a lousy mood and unhappy with yourself?

Hi i-man

Just read your post from start and you really inspired me. your honesty and recovery after you fell after a long period of clean is just truly amazing, I just had a fall after 445 days of being clean which I also thought would never happen, it got me really down, and seeing how you're pulling through over again really gives me chizuk to continue and start again!

wishing you lots of hatzloche!