day 5! bh great. its just great. life is so wonderfull when lust is out! the world looks feel seem different a happy world! I once heard a novel idea. it says in chazal that rhe sages killed the yh of idol worship and they wanted to kill the yh of lust, they actually managed to tie him up, but  the world coulnt take it. the chickens didnt lay eggs etc. so they had to free the yh. The question to be askes is why didnt they kill the yh of theft or the yh of murder this mashpiah went on to explain because "THERE IS NO OTHER YH ALL CRIMES IF YOU GO AFTER THEM ARE ROOTED IN THE YH OF LUST!"GUYS WHEN WE ARE FREE OF LUST WE'VE SORTED IT ALL! and to the mod i have read both book through and through (in one sitting lol) they gave me the push to startthe journey, last motzai shabbos i knew that my life is over unless i read this book i did that and here i am posting on my 5th day 85more to COME!

day no 6+7 1week bh. I was at a wedding on thurs and i met this guy who told me he was on cocaine for 1 and a half years but he is clean now for 1078 days. i looked at him with raised eyebrows so he told me listen tomorrow i have no control of! i wake up in the morn and ask g-d please give me one more day! this guy said it with so much sincerity, he wasnt just saying it! do seven ddays my first in a series of landmarks marking my arrival! pleas g-d give me one more day and the strength to go on counting each day as the first day of being free.

Well I guess the time has come for me to tell my story and maybe someone will learn something from it. I will change some facts so as to feel that im protecting my anonymity, I am 25 married and living in bnei berak at the moment, very happily married and with kid’s boruch hashem. I was born in Manchester and was raised in a chassidish liberal style, I learnt English in school and was an avid reader I was spending alot of time in the public library that where I got my first sex ed, at thirteen I went babysitting for my fam and found the internet the first sit that I tried on the net was s## and I was immediately hooked. I had found out about m relatively late and I knew well almost immediately that this what the seforim where talking about as being a great sin. I went into yeshiva at thirteen and had ups and downs with s and p issues always bringing me down I felt inconsolable I knew on the one hand that there is no greater sin but on the other I could not stop myself I managed to bring it down at times but that’s about it.
After the first year in yeshiva my progress went down and slowly I found myself on the outside boundaries of the yeshiva being a loner by nature I spent hours in the local park thinking planning and looking for shmutz.
Do you know what I find interesting is that I wasn’t really deficient in anything I was popular did very well in class ad I felt myself slipping so fast in yeshiva that when I was 15 I was sent to the states in a again I tried my best to start afresh but lust brought me down and I ended up doing badly in yeshiva there I hated it and came back to the Uk after 2months and all the time trying and falling on this point. I so wanted to be clean.
I want to write this story because it just shows that bederch sheodom rotzah leileich moilichin oisoi, I was once in a desperate lust for junk r'l suddenly a thought flickered through my head " why don’t you look behind that box on the street I went there and I found a huge stash. I got older and managed to find easy access to the net and my fix this carried in till I was 18 I was hardly keeping anything at that point I was in Israel clubbing every night and still using p as my crutch and getting into deep trouble, I didn’t actually do anything but I saw the rock bottom before I hit it and I knew that im screwing up my life. then I met this wonderful guy that introduced me to the works of the great Chassidic master my holy rebbe reb nachman of breslov ztzl and I made a u turn honestly a u turn isn’t enough to describe what I did it was more an o turn from the lowest place on earth I came up to place that I only dreamed of today I divined hours learnt and just felt so close I didn’t fall that time for over 4 months I couldn’t all I was getting my fix through dveykus to the holiest ideas, I knew at the time that this feeling wouldn’t last forever so I made a decision at the time that no matter what id always try again, so even when I was at the peak that whatever happened in the future and even if I did fall id pick myself up again. I fell succos 4months latter I felt so bad, but thank gd, straight afterwards I got back up but from then it went down it became so hard I was gripping to my position in yiddishkeit but with my last strength, a two months l8er I fell again I called my mentor now although im I was very close I never divulged my personal details with him, I told him what happened I cried like I never before or after in my life, he told me that hashem sees my broken heart ki chol levvovois doresh hashem he told me to keep strong and pray right now because when a person is at his lowest hashem is nearest lev nivseh venidkeh eloikim loi tivzeh. I feel asleep after that phone call, I know these sounds crazy but within a week i was engaged to be married to my wife a top shidduch! To this day I can’t think of it Five months before my shidduch I was a guy in the lowest depths and now such a shidduch! I had a couple of falls l8er but I kept myself up. i think that’s the biggest thing i got out of reb nachman's works is that no matter how many times you fall
Try and try again. I married and that’s when the problems started again I was very happy bh but once I had to have s...  ever koton yesh beodom i felt like i couldnt keep myself back and fell quite often it broke me and slowly it broke bits of my warmth in yiddishkeit. I fell again and again and again and no matter what I did ir tried I went down!
I tried so many ways to stop but not taking it as an addiction that you cant control I fell through and triggering off in the smallest thing. it broke me so much  why cant I break free I  whenever I had five minutes access to the net I was  on p. so I stopped using the net still found it on my phone so I stopped using my phone found an internet shop for any excuse and was on porn. I decided to have a pc a home that I could use for healthy purposes and there I could install a filter that worked well kind of but hashem decide that for the business I was in I needed a phone with internet, so I kept falling until one day surfing online on only smirches looking where I shouldn’t I came to this site. And I knew id arrived!

Ashrecha Levite! It is an honor to have such a holy warrior as yourself on-board with us. In today's Chizuk e-mail (before I even read this story of yours), I quoted many of your inspiring posts.

I sense a very great soul in you. You should know that all the tears and struggles and yearnings of all those years where you felt lost, they all are coming together now, be"h, and now that you have found our community, there's no turning back!

Thank you for all the inspiration in today's Chizuk e-mail!  :D

P.S. Here's another story of someone who's life was changed by Rebbe Nachman.

thanks guard its an honour to be quoted! kkep up the life saving work that you guys are doing!

Very nice to read your openness, levite. Keep on going with it, holy yid! When we find what works for us, like getting the embarrasing truth out to our chevra for example, we need to keep doing the same exact thing one day at a time, rather than automatically going back to our old way of thinking and living as soon as we see that we are getting better. It's mamash nutty, how our minds trick us sometimes, isn't it? I can't afford that mistake any more....
I love you and wish you only Hatzlocha!!

thanx dov, i know its an uphillstruggle and i need every bit of help that i can get! had a hard night last night bh said 'hareini moiser atzmi' (a idea that reb nachman says works ) its basicly the same idea as the 12 steps its a tefila telling gd im giving myself entirely over to you. bh gam zeh yaver feeling better this morn! rome wasnt born in a night, iv got a feeling yerushalyim will be!

levite, can you post more details of that eitzah of reb nachman (or send me an e-mail to eyes.guard@gmail.com) please?

il look it up and il post it asap

1 thanks guard for posting mystory in the chizuk e.mails btw those e.mails make my day! everyday. i have the the vort from reb nachman its two sichos in sichos ha'ran im going to give you the marei mekoimois first and i hope during the nest two days to post it here aswell its sichos haran 2 and 266. il post l8er! c ya

what a chizuk e.mail you hit the nail on the head guard! i'v just printed it out to learn it in depth! ok here is my first post this is from sichos haran 2. " it is a very good idea for a person to throw himself into g-ds hands and to rely on him . my way is that as soon as the day starts i give over all the happenings of myself and the people that are relying on me to g-d to do as his will is, and this is very good, and then he does not have to worry or think if he did right or not for he is relying not on his judgement but g-ds impeccable judgement, and if g-d will want him to do different that the way he is doing this he is ready to change according to the will of hashem. and the same before shabbos or yom tov then i give over all the happenings and my doings of that shabbos or yom tov to hashem so taht it should all be according to his will, and then however he was on that shabbos or yom tov he soes not need to worry at all if he did corectly in the upkeeping of these holy days after he surrendered it all and releyed on hashem" although this is an allmost exact translation this was written in hebres so check it out for yourself!

ok day 10! its so intresting. Iv stopped many times and been clean for long stretches but this tiome its so different especially sine lastnights mail! its given me a new perspective on life. i havent got the words to express it yet but i hope with time that i will. at the mo just feel elated!

Very few people get into Chizuk e-mails 3 days in a row! You must have a big zechus  :D

wow! the truth is im honored to be here to start with, between people that are striving for yesod the foundation of our holy nation! i was thinking yesterday i davened so much for shmiras habris and hashemm really listened to my parayers in the strongest way possiblle! im on day 11 and what can i say i dont miss lust i dont feel withdrawal pangs! i just feel gooooood! free really free! coz' for once iv changed my perspective rather then challenging the issue face on which obviously is doomed from the onse! MY VERY VIEWS OF DAY TO DAY LIFE HAVE CHANGED. especially with the idea of surrendering lust to hashem.
i heard an audiobook on the whitebook aa, and he asked the obvious. (he asked it regarding drink im tweaking it to our lil issue ) how will surrendering my lust to gd help me it will only make it worse!? The answer is there is no answer but it works! The closest i can give to an aswer is so. It works the same way as lust, like lust doesnt make sense at all, ur depressesed, had a bad day, or bored? answer = have a few fantasies! make sense? holy brothers and sisters let hashem do our job for he wants to help us! reb nachman says any person that know the holyness and spirituality of every jew knows that sin has no relationship with him at all, just the opposite a jew cant natrually abide sin! we shall overcome!

Go, buddy, go! :-*