OK YESTERDAY was a baaaaaaaaaad day with a lot of good in! or the opposite, lol i found myself getting snagged on every possible trigger and had face to face fights with the yh, i mamesh saw him in front of me, wow, does that guy smooth talk, im trying to anylize where i went wrong,
1. i asked my wife to put the pwd in for an hour just to see a few ksher you tube clips
2. i watched a few non-animated movies in the last few day, (i dont watch regualr accept cartoons usually)
3. hmm maybe i should stop watching movies
this was something progressivee that started from motzai shabbos it starts with heter and arrives at issur, actually i went last night to read the rules on the gue 90 day page to see how far i could bend the rules and get ma fix! ccccccccccrazy! im going to spend some time thinking and rethinking this day, thank you hashem for helping me get through this.
I actually told hashem yesterday, Hashem i am powerless over this struggle, if you want me to fall i will, for i have no strength that is my own, hashem what do you want? i think you want me to fall so that i recognize that i have no power, but please accept my words as if i would have fallen, coz i sooooo know that i am useless!
Its something i once thought when lerning medrash, the medrash states that avraham avinu after the akeidah should have gone through all the nisyoinois of iyov but he asked hashem to spare him, and he did not recieve them. we all know that nisoyoin comes from the word nes meaning lifting, for when we use the nisyoin correctly we become uplifted, so how could avraham avinu throw away so many chances of getting uplifted? what i thought is that for sure avraham didnt throw it away but what he told hashem is the same that i wrote above Hashem i am powerless over this struggle, if you want me to fall i will, for i have no strength that is my own and please accept this tefillah as if we would have gone through and passed the nisoyoi

Absolutly briiliant levite. WOW! Sorry you had a bad day, but hey, its bound to happen. Now lets just forget about it and move on. Sorry, i thought i sent you a pm with the info. :-\ Ok theres always a next time.

Yup.
Yup.
Yup.
Yup.
Etc.....................

Such a beautiful teffilah!!  :'(


But we addicts can't watch movies... Too dangerous. Oh, and that's one of the fringe benefits of being an addict, by the way 

thanx, im with you on that, its an addiction that i have to work on

this piece just spoke to me, sometimes i feel that this place is the last vestige of truth, and im crackers for being here so this nekudah rang true

One who wants to turn aside from evil but sees that there is no truth in the world must act as if he is crazy.

Sefer HaMiddot, Emet #31

levite wrote on 30 Dec 2009 12:50:
Levite!! Hi.
R' Twerski writes a chazal (I think? Or story from a more recent tzaddik?) that goes like this: There was an outbreak of Ergotism (insanity caused by a fungus in the rye crop...it happened more than a few times in europe, really) in that area of europe and the kings minister heard about it. He told the king that he had set aside clean rye for the two of them and things would be A-OK. The king told him, "No. If my subjects are nuts, we will be nuts, too!" (they don't make kings like they used to!)
Then he told his minister the following: "Put a mark on each of our foreheads. That way, while we will be crazy, we will always see eachothers' foreheads and that will remind us that we are nuts. We will thus be crazy, but at least not delusional."
To me, what you wrote above expresses this idea beautifully, but I'm adding a twist.
I don't say I want to turn aside from evil, so I do - "see, I'm sober!". I don't delude myself now that my recovery (or lack thereof, c"v) is about my goodness (or the lack thereof, c"v), because I had that chance for many years and didn't use it. It had to come down to enlightened self-interest: my survival.
Lust is certainly evil. The world promulgates it for whatever reason (none of my business). I use it as a drug when I'm ill. It'll kill me and destroy my life and the lives of others on the way. Me acting out is completely crazy, and the world is crazy.

But since I recognize and remember that I am easily, naturally, liable to slip into deadly insanity, too, I am only saved from destroying myself by that mark on my head. And I need to mingle with others who share that mark in order to never forget. It's real easy to see that they are just plain nuts...it always is!...and soon I remember, "hey....I'm just like them!" What a lifesaving relief that is!!
If I start to act as though "I'm no longer that kind of guy," I'm dead. I'll be like the french frog in the warm water. Croak!
I'm a grateful pickle.
I love pickles (though not as much as Steve or Sturggle do).
Do you love pickles?

C'mon, levite, let's hear a little giggle out of you, OK?

My Rebbi, you astound me with every post!

You mean, you are a pickle, too?

dov wrote on 30 Dec 2009 18:36:
I definitly  in a pickle till i got here.....................................and got my new Rebbi!!

lol dov pickles are in for the day! thanx for the post i had to re-read it like 4 times till i managed to chap ur hasagah, i still havent got round to sa idea fully, actually only today i asked my mentor in chassidus to give me some marei-mekoimois on this issue

This is Gavald she'be'gevald!
I actully went out hisbodedus with this sichah
it was wow
Most of the things a person fears cannot harm him at all. But this only becomes clear to him when he is dead, lying on the ground with his feet to the door. He will then have true clarity of mind, and he will look at himself and understand the truth. He will see that his fear of the various people standing in his way was vain and foolish. All that fear was for nothing – for what could a mere mortal do to him?

The same goes for his desires and temptations. Lying there dead, he will realize that he wasted his days. He will know that his strongest desires were mere foolishness. For who really forced him? Only then will he clearly see the truth.

There is a very deep point in all this. There is something inside a person that makes him afraid of various things. The person may fully understand that the things he fears cannot harm him at all, yet he cannot help being terrified. This is because of that something within him that causes him to be afraid.

Many people have ridiculous phobias which they themselves know to be ungrounded, yet they cannot control them. For example , when a person is taken by surprise by a group of people coming at him from behind with fearful shouts, he instantly feels fear even before he is consciously aware of what it is behind him. Since the object of his fear has not yet entered his conscious mind, why should he be afraid if not because of this innate something that causes him to fear?

The same is true of desire. Even when a person knows that his desire is vain and foolish, something inside him continues to feel the desire. Here again, it is not the person who desires, but something else within him.

If you learn to understand yourself, you can easily rid yourself of all fears and desires. Once you realize that they are baseless and that only this something inside you causes the fear or desire, you will be able to overcome everything.

You have free will, and you can easily train your mind to avoid the thing inside you that causes these fears and desires.

Sichot Haran #83

What you wrote, Levite, reminds me of a shocking fact I discovered in recovery, and keep rediscovering. It's that we can be told things that are really awsome and true, but when we are ready to hear it inside - and only then - do we discover them. And it's gevald she'begevald.
But the price I have to pay for this amazing, ever-recurring process is: giving up my drug. Getting the help I need to stay sober no matter what.

Ouch!
Why does it hurt so much sometimes?!
Hey, wait a minute...I know: I'm an addict, and need question no further!
Now I can move on - with the freedom that comes from not having to understand or fix everything anymore!!
Finally.
I can spend time delving into Rashi, Tosfos and M'harsha on living , rather than on me.
Ahhhhh.
Thanks for the reminders like that, Levite.

Oh how we strive for this Rebbi. imtrying.

There is a very deep point in all this. There is something inside a person that makes him afraid of various things. The person may fully understand that the things he fears cannot harm him at all, yet he cannot help being terrified. This is because of that something within him that causes him to be afraid.
The same is true of desire. Even when a person knows that his desire is vain and foolish, something inside him continues to feel the desire. Here again, it is not the person who desires, but something else within him

Please re-read reb dov and il think you will understand the nekudah reb nachman was getting at

It sounds like youre saying the following (and if you're not, i apologize, but it's still worth saying!) - we feel like all our lust and desires are the things that WE want. Really, it's the Y'h, speaking with our voice. It's not what we want at all!