Well - I did it! I got to 90 days - yesterday! For me, I have had periods of time "clean" - up to 2 years, but the last several years I have been on and off. GYE has provided me a real way to combat this struggle and a place to share my feelings and hear about others with similar struggles. I read in one of the GYE Chizuk List emails from "Ovadia" who wrote very moving words in a forum called "I have come home" (though I couldn't find it on the forum - yet). I think my situation is very very similar to his. For me - getting to 90 days wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, especially since I was open with my wife about starting this and trying to recover from my struggles. She was very understanding, and I feel that we grew together through it.
HOWEVER -- and I say this as a warning to myself as much as to anyone -- just today I "slipped". I actually considered it a "fall" because I looked at something deliberatly. Even though it wasn't an objectionable site, per se, but it was definitely something I, as a ben Torah, should not have sought out to see! So, I'm being machmir on myself and starting over, because I see that the yetzer hara said to me "Hey you're so confident in yourself! Well, just look at this website which, on this page there's nothing wrong! And, while you're here, just click on this..." and there goes the slipperly slope. I know if I'm not careful I can easily end up back where I was!
To conclude though, I have much much hakaras hatov to the Ribono Shel Olam, for directing me to GYE, and for helping me feel comfortable discussing this with my wife, and for not letting me fall further down like I could have if I let this continue. I am grateful to Hashem that I was never "caught" because I don't know how I would have handled it! The main thing is - I realize much more deeply today, that I must be constantly on GUARD!
