WHY OH WHY OH WHY??????????????????????????????

i was just now innocently searching (WITH K9 ENGAGED) for a photo that will go with an article for yom kippur so i can print it for my shul,

i typed in a biblical theme, (i will not say which one so no one here will have a taivah to look it up) and lo and behold an inappropriate pic pops up in on the page as one of the search results.

GEVALT!!!

my heart started to race, with that old feeling, i clicked away immediately, but then saw it again later in the search, and clicked away again, and then i caught myself searching that same biblical image, and secretly hoping i will mistakenly see that picture again

Help me God for i am Sick!

i guess that was a slip, i don't know

i exited the search completely and came right here to post this,

my filters are on high and i have covenant eyes, i guess filters are not perfect

thank you God for giving me the strength to get away and come to a place where i am loved and can share my burdens, and get help

Thank you, if not for You i don't know what i would be doing right now because of that pic

remember you got away, that is the only part I remember from your post.

Those image searches are terrible. Been there.

filter shmilter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

i need to work on myself, thats the real truth!

i feel that that filters are like tznius
one needs to dress a certain way, in a dignified and proper way that isn't sending out a message with neon lights flashing "OPEN!!!"

so to one's computer needs to be dressed a certain way,

sick people will lust after a tznius girl as well, that's not the tznius girls fault, the guy is just sick and needs help,

if you want to bypass a filter you can, that's not what a filter was for, tznius is not for the porn addicts to stop them from lusting

i guess i can share this here even though its a marriage thing, i am not talking about sex itslef so it shouldnt trigger anyone.

me an my wife are going through an interesting time now,

for whatever reason, my wife cannot get pregnant now, so we use contraceptive as per my rav's psak,

but we just moved and she couldn't get the pill and other types don't work for her,
tonight is mikvah night, but she cant have sex unless she has been on the pill for a week, and she will only be able to get the pill on next Tuesday the earliest, that means it will be a week and a half before we can be together and by that time her cycle will start again,

so i am looking at a lot of time where she will be mutar but we cant do anything

i hope and pray that i will be okay and not go meshuggah,

and maybe its hashem saying that we need to abstain for a while so i can relearn what a real relationship is and get all that lust junk out of my head.

God please help me be strong and not fall into lust or anyother escape and let me use this time to connect to my wife in a real way, please!!!

ha ha!!!

Hashem is awesome!

i was having a stupid binge, which means that i was wasting time online,and i was watching some trailers for movies on itunes, because movies take to much time i suffice my movie urge with a trailer every now and again, i know, sad, but i am still working on myself and i don't do it that often,

but after two or three trailers, i was feeling down then i had to run to mincha, and of course my mincha was filled with the trailers, and that made me feel more down,

right after mincha, out of the blue a friend came over to me and asked to learn some chassidus once a week,

bam!!!!!! hashem was saying to me "i know you are a bit down, i know you like to waste time and escape, here is a little present, escape into a sefer once a week and learn the things that excite you!

thank you hashem!

wahhhh!!!!!!!!

I just woke up from a really lustfull dream and I felt my eiver getting kasheh and almost as if it was going to be motzei zera and by some crazy unknown force I was so upset anout that that I forced myself to wake up from inside my dream I had full clarity and I screamed in my dream no!!!!!!!!!!!

I sat up in bed and I felt zera in my eiver but I checked and it was still clean I don't know if this is too much for a forum I am sorry and a moderator can take it out I am still half asleep and can't think straight at 3 in the morning

I ran to splash cold water on myself and I still feel on edge bit half asleep and I am too scared to fall back asleep!

what's going on? can someone help me I can't think I am so tired anyo e out there?
I ran straight to my phone to post this and I am sorry if it all sounds gibberrish

That sneaky Yetzer Horo, keeping you up all night just for some attention! Tell him to go away!...

Good luck!

i am sorry if the post sounded strange, but literally right after the dream i posted and i was still half asleep, it was about 3 in the morning!

but it was scary, as if the yh knew that he wasn't getting me while awake, so he tries a backhanded move and tries to get me while i sleep, that's just not fair and i will certainly not be mochel him this yom kippur,

its one thing if its an even fight, but this is terrorism!!!

who does he think he is?

i heard that wet dreams are because of something one saw during the day, maybe i wasn't careful enough and it tried to come out in my sleep?

what was really weird though was that at the moment in the dream where i was about to fall, i suddenly had full clarity in the dream and i screamed at everyone in the dream and said stop!!!! and no!!!!!! and i consciously left the dream,

that was a very strange feeling, it wasn't like waking up, it was like walking from one room to another, i said i had enough i will not go through with this and i left the room and there i was in my own bed, just like a scene changing in a movie,
it was very strange, like i was kidnapped and i escaped
i am sorry i cant explain it any better,

thank you hashem for protecting me even in my sleep and i am leaerning to love you and trust in you more and more everyday.
thank you for helping me be clean today, and i pray that you continue to help me in my journey to come close to you! only you can protect me from my lust!

The fact that the yetzer horo is engaged in terrorism is not so surprising...

But the fact that you can employ preventative measures when in your sleep to me that shows how well you have internalized what you've learnt.

I would give me a huge pat on the back (and then wait for the YH to think that was for him... Arrogant beheima what he is...)

afreshstart39 wrote:

You weren't talking about sex?
Could've fooled me

I am sorry if I wrote anything that may trigger someone I meant to say that I won't be going into details that may cause a trigger

but no one would be here if we didn't know what the word sex meant and so I did write that

but I hope that it didn't trigger anyone

this is my first yom kippur that i am coming in clean with a significant streak under my belt,

but i dont feel extra special, i feel disconnected like my energy for spirituality is a bit dried up, but i dont feel stressed out and like a failure either, its not numb but its not fire and passion for yiddishkeit

which makes me think that all my passion was fueled by the yh, and i used it for good sometimes, but now i need to build a new fire that comes only from a good place, maybe thats the hope that i am holding onto,

my whole passion came from my dark side, without my failures i didnt know how to god, they were my springboard
dov explained this on the phone conference
now its just me and i dont know how to let god in without having a problem to cry about (meaning a really bad problem, i have regular problems but they paled compared to the self absorption of MY ISSUE)

any way i want to just go into yom kippur with a clear mind and i will let hashem lead the way!

i do just want to stand with Him and even if i dont say one word of tefilah - dayeinu - and of course i will try to daven as best i can, but that i all just a bonus prize compared to the ikar, to be with my Father my king!!!

still no fire passion, but a little inner peace

thank you God i am clean today and it is only only only because of your wonderful gifts you give to me even though i definitely do not deserve any of it at all!!!!!!!!

"I just want to stand with my Father my king!!!"
Powerful and inspirational!
Thanks for sharing, and keep it up!
Gmar chasima tovah!

afreshstart39 wrote:

Sometimes just holding hands is better than passion.