Wow,

I really thought that I was going to make 90. I was at 80 days, the first time I have ever been completely clean. I made it through so many obstacles and overcame many tests. And then.. I fell, hard! It started with deleting my Internet Blocking apps and then a little searching and the craving was initiated and I was off to the races. I even went as far as contacting girls and meeting them. At that point, I definetly broke my 80 day streak and it was 2 weeks later until I had enough strength to come back.

Today is my 2 day and I am looking forward to starting this thing again. I remember how proud I felt, how clean I was and how much I was growing. Compared to a couple days ago its night and day. My relationship with Hashem was fading, my confidence was gone, I was fearful and living in shame and inconsistent with my ideals.

I hope to continue to write more throughout my 2nd attempt at 90. Thanks


YC

Get Up Into Truck, And Rowuhhhhhhhllllllllll

I got a lot of chizuk from your previous posts. Keep up the great work!

You wrote that its started with deleting the blocking apps.

What made you start?

Eli

You're already on a different level than you were when you started.

You can now see the stark difference in quality of life between being clean and being involved in the garbage.

Good for you for making the right choice these past two days. Keep it up!

Hatzlacha!

Eli: Im not sure I understood your question, but if I did, deleting the apps was the K9 filter that I had installed through the help of the Rabbi. I started to think that I was going to fast with my teshuva process and I backed away and stopped going to the minyan, which meant I also stopped putting on tefillen and learning Torah too because it was a package morning deal. I also stopped making the coffee and getting the danishes for the morning seder before work and because I was starting to isolate, and became on my own, the thought occurred that it would be nice to delete the app. Once I did that , I was immediately out of control and it was hours and days of obsession and searching on the internet, All the fences were broken and the only thing I hadn't done was spill my seed. A coup-le days later and that too was done. Then it took two weeks of that before the pain was great enough and like Skeptical said I compared the pain that I was living in to the awesome freedom I had experienced for the 80 days. I now look back and see that the 80 day struggle was very hard and challenging, daily, hourly, and minutes, but the reward was so great and the sense of freedom, closeness to Hashem, fulfilling my purpose and overcoming character defects and animal desires really made me feel holy. That is my true essence, everthing else is a perversion of my true self.