Hey Everyone who is reading this. I would like to share about an experience that happened to me yesterday.
Yesterday was Sunday and my day off from work. I have been focusing a lot throughout these last 52 days and I have been successful, thank G-D, with lust sobriety, enough for my 90day guidelines at least. With all this new found commitment to overcome my animalistic desires I have felt very lonely and sad throughout these last 52 days. I miss my drug and so long have I gotten temporary pleasure and acceptance and love. But today I am a new man, no more looking on the past and dwelling and regretting, this will only take me down.
So.... I rewarded myself with a healthy outlet of going to the Beach! Miami Beach! Dun Dun Dun. I spoke to my Rabbi before I went and he suggested I not go to South Beach rather a more secluded area. I took his suggestion. When I arrived, alone, and as a single man, my first instinct was to act out. However, yesterday I showed somewhat encouraging resistance. I realized this work I have been putting in the last 52 days is creating a new me, a me that isn't a creep!. I actually had a good time, enjoying myself in the water and sunbathing. I truly feel that I was succeeding in my holy mission of embracing some healthy pleasure so that I don't go completely insane.
As a side note, the beaches were my main hunting ground before. I would obsess and stalk, search out the prey and attack, in a charming way of course which would lead to me having crazy relationships and perpetuating my lust illness infinitly. But yesterday, to approach a girl, was out of the picture completely, a couple glances, I didn't feel so bad about, because I am happy to not obsess for one more day.
Mission Complete and I left. Here comes the Dun Dun Dun's again! As I was leaving, my non Jewish friend calls me and says he is in South Beach and just put his toes in the sand and he is alone with three girls and a fourth is one the way. He invited me to join. Now this is crazy timing because I am in my car, already on the beach in my bathing suit about 40 blocks away. I have just seen a lot of girls and its most likely my phenomenon of craving has been initiated. It was Sunday around 1:00pm and I had the whole day off. I work hard during the week plus Shavous and Shabbas I was looking for a break and release. I had no commitments and I live alone so I am free as a bird to reign havoc on Miami and South Beach. However, I not only had clarity, but I recoiled as from a hot flame. I said to myself no way in hell am I going to South Beach. I was safe at this beach but who knows what will happen. And that is how serious I relate to my addiction. If I don't have the right intention there is no guareentee that I will have assistance from G-D. And going to South Beach would have been straight old behavior. I would have gone completely against my Rabbis advice, I would have been given an inch and taken a foot, and when I was there around people who are engaged in lust it would have been way to much for me. When he asked me I hung up the phone and immendiately started driving over the bridge away from the beach back home. I called my Rabbi and told him the good news and I felt so much joy and happiness. Because the once pleasure and need for gratification and acceptance is now slowly being replaced by pure interests and goodness that I can live with and feel good about and I know my father in heaven will approve. And of course , later that night my friend text me and told me the inevitable, he was still with those girls and fully submerged FULLY away from the sunlight of the spirit.
I wish everybody strength and courage to overcome these lustful bodily desires that take us away from true connection with ourselves, other people and G-D.
YC
