Sorry for kind of hijacking the thread, but I wanted to share how things are going for me:

I am giving a speech to like 1,000 students, parents, faculty, etc. for my graduation on Monday.

At first I was like "no way am I giving this speech"! I've been working with the speech and debate teacher, though, and the speech is coming along. When I practiced a presentation to her, I basically read my speech very quickly, in a monotone, to get it over with as quickly as possible.

She quickly corrected my errors. I have to go slowly--very slowly. I have to embrace the audience. My face will be on a jumbo-tron, and everyone can see me.

You know? I think that might be one of the better things that has happened to me. I have to be confident in myself. I make a few jokes in my speech, and it's okay to poke fun at myself or perhaps come off a little strange. I think the required confidence will be a very good learning experience.

Also, it's only 5 minutes of my life anyway

Things are going great BH, I had a couple of slips - but there has has been a shift regarding my life in general. I will confess to the Oilam:

A while ago I was advised (by a certain tzaddik called R' Dov) to see a therapist. I followed his advice. The reason of course being Po**n. However, what happened during the past few sessions was sensational!! All my billion small issues in the air - but one clear picture emerged. They are all where interlinked - the causes are all one! (I will share later) Turns out, all those years my effort was like fighting against smoke - but the fire just continued burning. All my frustration just fueled to fire. (HERE IT COMES:) P**rn was just the tip of the iceberg!!! For the first time Boruch Hashem I'm dealing with the core of my problems.

The past few days where insane - using the tools I learned during the sessions - it was like being really high (drunk man!!) It involves recognizing my real self. I'm trying not to hide anymore. This is me!!!

I use to have a constant message ringing in my head "you are a failure" Coming from expectation of my parents, others and myself. This leads me to find other realities - where none of my problems exist. P**rn being the best way of achieving that, movies ranked second. When I watch a movie, unlike others - its not just watching something take place. Its more like living thru the act myself - as long as I'm watching I'm not avrom - I'm Clark Kent himself. Now besides the many issues regarding movies that we will not discuss, my main problem is that movies is the way I've been running away from my real self. I still have work to do, but for the fist time, i finally understand what the fight is all about: Not porn or masturbation its much bigger than that. Only now that i know where to send my WAR-DECLARATION!!!

Just a thought: Maybe its time to thank hashem that I got into into P**rn in the first place - if not for that, i never would have realized that there is anything wrong with me. I would have lived my life my life with serious issues - only thru P**rn I was to see how big the iceberg really is.


Thank you Hashem!!
Have a great Shabbes!!

I'm going to post what I told Avrom, because I think it's an important realization:

"Me: I think I've been spending too much time on GYE (as I already said): I've probably spent 3-4 hours on it today, and I think I spent the equivalent on it yesterday. I haven't really learned that much lately
Me: However, at the same time, if I'm going to cut back GYE (just for the next week or so), I will also cut back on other internet use
Me: that's only fair
Me: Thus, I am going to say: through June second (ad v'ad bichlal), which is Sunday, I will not go on GYE, Facebook, Yahoo sports, or unnecessary sites
Me: However, if I feel weak, then I'll come to the forum. I just think sitting at home, alone, on the internet, even if it doesn't lead to a fall, I think it's getting away in the recovery steps that I need, which is to "start living"

A lot of "Me:"'s in there lol. Anyway, I am going to say:

NO Facebook. No YCN. No news websites. no sports websites. Through (up until and including) Sunday. I can still check email.

And no GYE, unless I feel weak.

Wonderful Avrom! It sounds like you are finally getting a taste of self-acceptance. Delicious indeed!

To Avrom: MAZEL TOV on your progress in life.
To Chacha: MAZEL TOV on your graduation and first internet break.

As for me, baruch hashem i'm doing good in the lust area.About spending too much time on the internet, i posted on my thread that i decided to stop using the internet for recreation besides for gye and have so far been successful in doing that.Besides a few instances where someone showed me things online etc. but by myself it's been going well even though i have found myself a bit bored sometimes.
The benefits have been noticeable and i'm happy i took this step.
But i do feel that when i'm home (as iv'e been pretty often this week) then i spend way too much time on gye. So while this is much better than what iv'e been doing before, it also isn't good.So i'm thinking of steps to take to help this.

in the meantime, good shabbos everyone

I need help, I'm in danger

Since Shabbes, i'm being hunted by fantasies. When I'm busy I just shake them off. However, when i use the bathroom or lie down I let myself drift off to these fantasies. Yes, I do blame myself - instead of trying to "change the channel", I keep the dark thoughts and continue to explore.

Sunday night i knew it would be over - unless I do something. So I went to sleep telling myself 100 times "Ubocharto Bachaim! Ubocharto Bachaim!" It didn't help. I davend - still no change. Then I started to sing!! (Vetaher libeinu, Ad heino...) That really helped - I sang for one hour, then I finally was able to fall asleep without the thoughts.
Last night things got worse. I started to write down my fantasy... it didn't take long and I decided "I'm giving in, its over." (have been clean for about 40 days) I went to the bathroom to finish the job. But when I saw my reflection in the mirror - I somehow couldn't bear being mz'l seeing myself.

I know this is not over yet. I'm hanging on a thin thread. I don't know how long I can still survive..

I'm on a mobile phone right now, so I cant really chat:

KOT! Maybe call Dov or one of the people? Try taking a walk, and reaffirm your motivation for stopping.

you still have a streak--dont let the slip get you down.

were rooting for you!! I'll B"H say tehillim for "Avrom".

Just hang on. You will not die from NOT acting out. It will pass again. Get busy with something that interests you. Even better if you can do it with a friend. Even better if it involves some physical exercise.

We are here for you.

Keep it up Avrom!
I think that this is a perfect example that even when we "decided" that we're going to fall, it isn't to late.
KOMT KUTGW

Hello,

Chachaman invited me to join this group. Avron, I have those some triggers. I usually think of science problems because I really like science. Maybe you can find something that you are genuinely interested in to help distract you when when the Yetzeh Hara attacks. Also, 40 days is amazing! I have never gone that long before. Your streak gives me hope that I will also be able to get that far.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Avrom, let us know how you are doing!! We love you man!


Anyway, I am going to update about my situation.

First, the bad news. No, I didn't fall, but my brother is in town and I watched a movie with him (on our couch). It had the requisite Hollywood shmutz in it--at one point I left the room and came back 2 minutes later. Though it could have been much worse, I really need to stop watching TV.

The internet idea worked out pretty well. However, I haven't renewed it. My problem is I get on the computer to do one thing and I do other things.

I accepted a version of TaPhSiC on myself, and I also made a few commitments whose violations create a knas--for example, no electronic devices in bedroom when I go to sleep, no electronics while davening, only 20 minute increments on my laptop, Facebook only every other day, etc. I think I owe $80 to tzedakka from those kabbalos

The good news:

I graduated high school on Monday, and I thank Hashem for his lovingkindness in getting me to where I am today--I left high school on a 16 day clean streak, no insecurity about my social status / no feelings of inferiority, and a feeling of camaraderie with the rest of my class. It sounds strange, but I'll miss some of the kids (none of the girls B"H, but there were some really nice kids, and honestly there weren't any mean kids).

Today the temptations have been coming and going--again, it's a function of being at home some of the day without much to do. Tomorrow I'll B"H work for my mom at her office, so I'll be out of the house. I'm trying to step up my learning--I'll be at a summer learning program in a few weeks. I'm just thinking about today though.

Baruch Hashem! Life is good, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm going to let Hashem fight these feelings. Shacharis this morning, though by myself at my home, was one of the best davenings I've had to date, because I opened up to Hashem. No, I didn't do the fake "opening up" just enough so that I could ask Hashem for what I need. By nature, I'm a little introverted and kept things inside; instead, I just tried to open up to Hashem, and kick away barriers, and Baruch Hashem it worked.

I don't have too many chavrusos--I will try establishing a few in the next 3 weeks.

And more good news: Zvi and some_guy are interested in joining the group!


Just another thing to get off my chest, because that's what the group is for: Why are there always like 600 guests online? Why don't they join the forum? And also: I know that I made the same mistake when I first came to the forum, in that I just posted my story without reading anything else, because I thought that all of the "addiction" stuff wasn't relevant to me. (I now B"H know better). But what can we do when our responses to everyone almost incorporate the same thing? I know personally that I don't plan to go on GYE for the rest of my life and respond to people. That's what makes Dov, Gibbor120, AlexEliezer, MT, and others so great, in that they always respond to new people. It's just something I wanted to get off my chest...idk if there are any answers. (Also, what happened to reb.guard--he hardly posts any more??)

I also put my first name on a few of my posts. do you guys think that that's a good idea?

Right, this is my first post in this group. If someone can just fill me in about how this works- if someone from the group falls c'v, how many perakim of tehillim do I have to say? Does it increase by 5 each time?

I am sorry, but I fell this morning. I normally say 10 tehillim. Do I add any because I am in the group.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

I'm sorry to hear that some_guy!

You know, why don't we just keep it at 10 tehillim per fall, without adding it each time. The group, in my opinion, isn't supposed to be another "trick" to beat the Y"H ("well, I can't fall because I don't want to inconvenience the group"), but instead it's supposed to be a source of support where we can all grow together.

I have a question--personally, I am 18 or 19 days clean (I forget which) and I am wondering whether it would be best for me to take a break from GYE and thereby keep myself from internet and try again on the "start living" part. What do you guys think? Maybe I'll limit myself to once a week, and I'll stop posting on so many other threads--if you guys want to reach me, you could send a PM. What do you guys think?

some_guy, I love you so much, and you sound like such a tzaddik. Basically, it is important that we know how this fall came about:

-How are your filters? Are you scared to completely filter everything because it would be too daunting (a challenge I faced in the past)?
-Do you have a TaPhSiC in place? (in case you're looking for good ideas, here's a copy of mine:

"For the next 7 days:

Knas of $20 if I don't obey, in addition to TaPhSiC Knas.

If I don't do the following activities before a fall or looking up questionable material, including Facebook, twitter, or real shmutz, I must say 50 tehillim. Fall is Mast for 30 Seconds, questionable material is for one minute.

However, if I do do the following before the above (already defined), then I only do group tehillim, and only then for something group would consider fall. If they wouldn't consider it fall, I must do 7 tehillim.

the following are things I must do before fall:

(I must do these sincerely):
-Go on briskodesh to reaffirm commitment. At least 5 min.
-Go on GYE forum for 10 min, chat with at least 1 person
-Take a 10 min walk (bball does not count)
-Say 5 tehillim
-Learn Torah for 10 minutes


In addition to TaPhSiC, rules I must obey, breach of which carries $20 Knas:

-No electronic devices in my room when I am prepared to go to sleep
-20-min increments on laptop, then at least 10-min of something productive away from computer.
-Can only use Facebook every other day.
-No using mom's computer unless someone is on first floor of house.
-I can only BEGIN taphsic process when the urge is strong and unmotivated by boredom.
-1 hour a day on GYE forum max, unless there is an emergency of sorts.
-No reading fb news feed, can only check notifications
-No electronics while davening

I make a kabbalah to hold myself to these conditions for the next 7 days
"

The FaceBook thing definitely didn't work out, so I'm not sure if I want to cancel it or not. The thing is, I wanted to connect with some kids after I graduated. I'll have to think about that one.


Anyway some_guy, it's good to have something like that.

-Attitude: would you like to share some things you have learned as far as attitude, and what you have learned in your time with GYE? Specifically, ways for you to implement those attitudes? (If you're curious about me, read the link I posted earlier in this thread about how far I've come, and click on my profile and read some of my posts if you're curious.) The biggest thing I've discovered is that this is a way of hiding from life for me, and I'm trying to grow as a jew by growing in emunah, gaining more anavah, davening harder, using internet less, etc. It's different for every person though.

(Just an incidental thought--perhaps it's bad for me to give other people advice, just because I am always priding myself on "oh boy Chachaman, you sure are smart and know your stuff" whenever I give a post. [Some_guy--that sevara only applies to myself and my situation--by all means you should keep on posting a lot on the forum and in other threads, because you 100% have something to say every time your post and make people feel better everytime you post something. Like you are my favorite person on this forum, even better than Dov :) Keep on posting on the forum please!)

-Discovering root causes of the addiction...this is big. I remember you posting earlier about perfectionism/weight of failure--honestly, I think that is your biggest breakthrough and have you done any followup on that?

I totally chop about the perfectionism part, except for me that's more from my parents and perhaps a desire for acceptance (which was also difficult because of public school). Like, I'm the valedictorian of a class of 300 kids in a rigorous program, I just gave a speech (which went very well B"H! I was completely comfortable on the podium), and all my mom can worry about is "Chachaman! You dropped your tassel! Oh no! How could you lose your tassel!!!! What are you thinking???" That's part of what set me off on a bad mood yesterday--I'm honestly trying to think about good ways to not let my parents get me down, but it's tough.

I'm also trying to work on nivul peh.


Anyway, what plan are you doing? For me, I try to not make my life about the struggle, but at the same time, at some point we have to stop talking about it and start taking concrete measures to tackle our problems.

Hatzlochah! I'll be saying tehillim for you (and Avrom) bli neder!!!

A dvar Torah I want to share:


Rav Frand on Behaaloscha (I get it in an email):


"Good, I'm patur! But how can I miss out on a mitzvah? Their attitude was that missing a mitzvah is a deprivation. It is something that I am going to miss, and I do not want that to happen. It is not a question of punishment and it is not a question of blame. It is a sense of lacking something if they miss the opportunity. This is what the Medrash calls "charedim al haMitzvos" [trembling to do the commandments].

There is a similar concept in the beginning of the sixth chapter of Tractate Berochos [35b]. The Talmud asks "What is the difference between the earlier generations and the later generations?" The Gemara explained that the earlier generations brought their crops in through the front door (so that they would be sure to be obligated to give the tithes from the crop) while the latter generation purposely sought out loop holes and brought in the crops through the back-door, so to speak, in order to become exempt from the need to tithe their crops.

This is the difference between the earlier generations and the later generations. The earlier generations had an attitude "Why should we be deprived?" The latter generations are looking for every excuse they can find to circumvent the laws requiring them to give.

At the beginning of the Parsha, the pasuk says: "Hashem spoke to Moshe saying: Speak to Aaron and say to him: 'When you kindle the lamps, toward the face of the Menorah shall the seven lamps cast light.'" Rashi famously asks "Why is there a juxtaposition of the section relating to the Princes ' offerings with the section relating to the lighting of the Menorah?"

Rashi answers that when Aaron saw that the leaders of all the other tribes participated in the dedication of the Mishkan and neither he nor his tribe participated, he felt badly about it (chalsha da'ato – he became depressed).

Here too we should note: What was Aaron depressed about? There were 12 Tribes with 12 Princes. Their job was to bring offerings during the 12 day consecration period of the Mishkan. That was not his job. What is he getting so depressed about?

The phenomenon is the same as those of the people who were impure and could not offer the Pessach offering in its proper time. Aaron felt deprived. "Why should I be left out?" Winston Churchill once said, "It is the measure of a man – what makes him angry." We can paraphrase that: "It is the measure of a man of what makes him depressed."

Some people get depressed when the Orioles (or whichever favorite sports team / location) lose. It can be a bad week in Baltimore for a lot of people when their baseball team goes on a losing streak. Some people get depressed when their stocks take a hit or when they lose a lot of money on some other investment. What depresses Aaron? He is depressed because he missed out on a mitzvah, because he could not participate in the dedication of the Mishkan.

Later in the Parsha, there is another example of people who were depressed – but they were depressed about something else. They were depressed because they missed the luscious cucumbers and watermelons they had in Egypt. These people became depressed about food.

This is a question we must ask ourselves. What makes us depressed and what makes us happy? Aaron became depressed about not participating in a mitzvah. The carriers of Yosef's coffin became depressed about not being able to bring a Korban Pessach. The "Complainers" became depressed about not having cucumbers and watermelons! The measure of a man is what makes him sad and what makes him happy.



RABBOSSAI...IT IS OKAY TO BE UPSET ABOUT A FALL. BUT IS THAT UPSET "LESHEM SHAMAYIM", or is it "self-pity / yetzer hara type of upset"? Are we going to go back out there and give it our best shot, and let Hashem worry about our struggle and the fall, or are we going to wallow in self-pity and fall into an endless cycle?

BEVADAI WE SHOULD BE UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are we going to use that upsetness for HISORRERUS, for a drive to grow a greater connection to Hashem, or are we going to make that upsetness the focus of the past?

Rabbosai, we can learn from our falls...but we can't wallow in depression R"L. Hashem loves us, every second of the day!!!!! We do hishtadlus, and Hashem does the rest.