Hi All,
I have not posted in a long time, but have been avidly folowing and been kept going by the chizuk emails. I finally found a quiet moment alone to post - and to update my chart. It has been 21 days since my last fall, and 105 cumulative.
I was actually counseling an individual in an OA 90 day program, who mentioned that it is frustrating to constantly start over. I then realized the power of the cumulative days, to know that each clean day is an accomplishment in its own right.
At the same time, I have been giuded by several "Dov-ism's". One that has given me strength in particular is, "I can't do even one day without His help." Also, that the idea is not to ask Hashem to make us live without worries, but to ask Him - and allow Him - to buoy us through those tough situations so we can overcome them.
After my last fall, I realized that even the potential embarrassment of being found out by my Webchaver could not deter me once I got started on a surfing binge. I promised my Webchaver that I would go to a local SA meeting. I made my way to what turned out to be a small group of guys all battling the same problem. No miracle cures - just slow, hard work, each of us fighting in his own way because we realize that there is no other choice.
I am still trying to get a sponsor who will fit with my current incognito schedule - which means finding someone who can talk during the workday.
Boruchj Hashem , I made it through Pesach. I have had problems with attraction to my sister-in-law,as I mentioned in my first post. I came in to Yom Tov geared up for battle and emerged without too many wounds - no masturbating or returning flirtation.
I davened by each tefilah that Hashem get me through the next meal, and I began to avoid the kitchen where most negiah could take place.
At the same time, I was warm and welcoming so she would keep her relationship with her sister intact.While one might say that it had its risks, I think that such public conversation actually had the effect of normalizing the relationship. , I think what we were doing in the past had kind of a rubber-band effect - going between complete avoidance and back to flirtation. I wanted to send the message that you are a member of the family and welcome as that, but nothing more. She seemed to actually be more comfortable as well, and the flirtation stopped after the first day.
In my eyes, she shrunk a little bit from a larger-than-life object of desire to a regular person - not that it is a licensce to let my guard down - I have seen that trick of the Yetzer Hora before. He tells me there is nothing there that will attract you , so why not get closer?
I will not see my SIL until the summer, but I am sure that there are many other nisyonos waiting for me (weather getting warmer and people dressing - or undressing - accordingly; an attractive cleaning lady).
I was inspired by a shiur I downloaded from Rabbi Twerski called The 12 Steps and Torah. among the many things he mentioned was "letting G-d remove this insanity". As I understand it, all the techniques - avoidance, safeguards, filters, etc. - are good and necessary, but aren't a means in and of themselves. If they succeed, it is because Hashem has accepted my efforts as willingness to let Him help me. If they fail, it does not constitute a loophole for me to now act on my desires as an "onus" - rather it puts the "onus" on me to ask his help in realizing my true inner desire to lead a life of selflessness and G-dliness.
