Today I reached 300 days of recovery and 300 days closer to freedom.
I am new to the topic boards. Until now I used to only receive the daily emails, but could not pluck up the courage to contribute to discussions.
Today I feel different, I have a reason to gloat. I have reached 300 clean days.
Today I need to remind myself of where I've come from and just how easily I can stumble and fall back, if not deeper, into darkness of my past.
Today I am clean. I do not care about tomorrow. I will face the challenge one day at time.
Today I am grateful to Hashem for all the Blessings he has given me, which include the mistakes and challenges of my past. Without having stumbled, over and over and over again, I would not be the man that I am today.
My story, like many, is long and complicated. From an interest in online images and video clips, to anonymous encounters with encounters with people strangers of both sexes. From complete denial to the anxiety, anger, disappointment of my actions, I have pulled through, held on felt the freedom of reality.
My 300 days began on Shabbos Hagodal (or just before), when my wife discovered my journal while cleaning for Pesach. We had been married for almost six childless years and had had many fertility treatments. My wife was told that we could never conceive naturally and at that stage had been through 6 IVF treatments. My addiction was always there, as was my SSA and as the stress of our situation took its toll on our marriage, I reached out and let my thoughts take control, which resulted in my actions.
My wife agreed to work at our relationship as long as I came clean and told her everything. I had already sought help and was in therapy and had been attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. My wife knew about my therapy, but had details of my issues, nor where I would disappear to once a week when I attended my meetings. I thank Hashem every day, as my wife realised that I had acknowledged my problem and was seeking help on my own accord.
It was at these meetings that I meet another observant orthodox Jew (like myself), who introduced me to your website.
In the last 300 days, I have spent time in hospital with a back injury, lost my job (indirectly as a consequence to my addiction) and almost my marriage and witnessed the death of my wife’s 14-year cousin, with whom she spent the last hours of his life with.
On Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, I took a decision to hand the control of my addiction to Hashem and also (at this stage I was in recovery but at my lowest point emotionally) start to become grateful for the people and things in my life. I davened and cried out for help.
On the day after Yom Kippur I received a phone call to be interviewed for a job, after months at home. I went that afternoon to the interview and was made a job offer over the phone as I drove home. I was sitting at my new desk 10 days later, the day after Simchas Torah.
My wife and I were planning a tenth IVF treatment in November (we had taken a break for the Chaggim), when we were Blessed to discover a miracle as she had fallen pregnant naturally.
My wife is, Thank G-d, fourteen weeks pregnant today and today is my 300th day of recovery. I am grateful for everything in my life and especially for the support and strength that comes from the GYE website.
Today I am happy. Today I am grateful. Today I remember my past and how easy it is to slip. Today I do not worry about tomorrow. Today I love for today and cherish every moment. Today is a gift from Hashem. Today I count the 10,958 days (30 years and 13 days) that I have been given. Today I appreciate the 300 ‘special’ gift of days. Never before has 300 meant so much.
